Monday, December 28, 2009


...again. This time they scooped the world on JFK captaining a nudie cruise. Once they finished congratulating themselves, Harvey Levin, Attorney at Law, and his well-coiffed minions quickly decided they'd been duped. Of course they haven't taken down the original story.

Next up, TMZ does a book report on the Hitler Diaries, searches their freezer for Walt Disney and determines cereal crumbs found are actually remnants from when Mikey (of the Life Cereal commercials) blew up after dining on Pop Rocks and a can of Coke.

Whoops. They call it "Fact Checking" for a reason.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Black List 2009 -- The Scripts

If you want them, here they are. Not sure how long it'll last until the attorneys go bat-shit crazy. But they won't sue me. It's not my site.

Holiday Schedule

Even less than usual is going on. And that's tough to do seeing as that I'm on unemployment and haven't had work in almost 3 months. But I trudge on. That said, I'll be posting sporadically over the next two weeks. So check back if you want. Otherwise the fun starts again in earnest January 4, 2010.

And set your clocks for January 11 for a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


I don't know much about web site traffic, but I do know how to read a chart. If you'll see the graph below courtesy of (an company) Darling Nikki's boast about her site traffic beating Variety doesn't overlap with what the chart below seems to indicate.

The tan line is's daily traffic rank. The blue line is (which becomes the red line when became seems to be BELOW that line. Color me confused.

The WPIX Yule Log is Back!

I'm not much for traditions, mostly because they require remembering stuff. But for the duration of the Temp Diaries existence, I will post the WPIX Yule Log during the holiday season. Enjoy.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My favorite way to waste time at work while looking busy is... (the rest of the list)

It's probably really slow at work today. The Christmas cards are gone. Your boss is taking three-hour lunches and then "running errands" while you sit there contemplating life's cruelty. But you need to look busy in case someone important stops by. So here are the rest of the time wasters I promised. Try them out and save your job.
  • Reading trivia from movies and shows I like on IMDBPro
  • Playing Bedazzled Blitz on Facebook.
  • Reading Variety, Hollywood Reporter or any entertainment related website. It looks like you're trying to keep up to date.
  • Spreading all the papers I have on top of my desk, and when people walk by, I pretend to be reading intensely.
  • Craigslist deal hunting, and if anyone asks...I'm researching.
  • Pretend to be scheduling a meeting when my boss walk by. In reality I'm calling the voicemail to "check messages" that don't exist.
  • Twitter.
  • Using headphones and Hulu. I watched two full seasons of LOST while pretending to file.
  • iChatting intently with six friends at once so it looks like you're productively typing something important.
  • Typing emails to myself about the better career decisions I could have made.
  • Reading fan fiction via Outlook.
  • Constantly hitting refresh on Twitter and ONTD when nobody's looking.
  • Pretending to talk to co-workers about work.
  • Making cold calls all day, and when I find a number that is a definite straight to voicemail, that number will get at least 25 more calls that day.
  • Working on my own screenplay after I've done coverage on so much other crap.
  • Printing out a document and "editing" it by hand, which means making half-hearted marks with a pen.
  • Randomly typing on my keyboard pretending to write an email, when I am actually reading this blog!!

Memo to PETA

To: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

From: Temp X

Re: The Daily Show Segment: "You're Welcome with John Hodgman"

I was peacefully enjoying my tofu scramble with a Fair Trade soy cheese latte this morning when my whole world turned upside down. You see I was watching a replay of last night's Daily Show when I saw the most abhorrent, repulsive and unfunny image ever to alter the pixels of my cathode ray tube. While discussing ideas on eliminating our debt toward the Chinese, Daily Show contributor Hodgman suggested Americans threaten to kill the panda Tai Xian unless the Chinese forgive the $800 billion we owe them. And if that wasn't vulgar enough, they ran the following image...

[Note: It's at the it's at the 11:26 mark]

I was horrified. What kind of sick, award-winning, highly-rated, PETA-endorsed program would allow such a thing? Have they no sense of decency? And to suggest this is somehow funny because it aired on Comedy Central? I see nothing smart or funny about this. I haven't felt this sick since I saw that dog-killer posting on the Hollywood Temp Diaries or the follow-up discussion of Tofu murder.

Please join me in my boycott of all Daily Show sponsors and organizations that endorse this kind of behavior.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Nikki Finke also confirms the sun will rise in the East tomorrow

Really? This merits a "TOLDJA!"? (I'm not sure how to punctuate that, sorry.) A simple web search shows no dearth of coverage on this merger already from such outlets as Variety, The Wrap and You. The press release was just a formality.

Perhaps you should lay off the egg nog. It's clouding what's left of your news judgment.

Hollywood Dictionary: Volume 16 -- The Writers' Edition

More from the Hollywood Dictionary...

COVERAGE -- In a town where those wearing the fewest clothes win, coverage would seem to be the last thing anyone in Hollywood would want. But writers crave coverage. Could this be because writers are ugly and, if given the option, would prefer pull the bed sheets up to their eyes making them look like one of the Sand People? Nope. The coverage we crave has nothing to do with $300 True Religion hip-huggers or Christian Audigier belly shirts. Coverage for us is when a Hollywood exec's assistant compiles a three paragraph, Cliffs Notes summary of your 160-page Magnum Opus, thus sparing the exec from doing his job. Months later, after you've been rejected, you find out the assistant didn't grasp your modern interpretation of Shakespeare's Cymbeline because she's "more of an America's Next Top Model fan."

NOTES -- So let's say you've demonstrated enough discipline and moxie to finish a script. Now you need to go back through and fix all the plot holes and unresolved story lines. The problem is you've spent six months reading and re-reading your own work. You're at the point that you can't even recognize a typo in your name much less find inconsistencies in your main character. That's why you have friends -- or as we writers call them "people who gently provide feedback on our scripts, paying special attention to our fragile psyche." So you give these people your script and ask them what needs fixing. We call these notes. [TIP: "Your script sucks" in not considered an adequate note.]

POLISH -- This has nothing to do with jokes about hockey teams drowning during Spring training, screen doors on submarines, light bulb changing with a rotating ladder or being stuck on a broken escalator. This is the other pronunciation of the word (-lish). It means taking your script, incorporating the notes (see above) and making it glisten. This becomes very useful for beating your head against when you see American Gladiator: The Movie has been green lit.

This is CNN?

Slow news day, huh?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Stupid Interview Questions -- Greenwich Mean Time edition

I had a phone interview the other day! I may soon be able to cast off this Scarlet T forever. Hooray for me, right? Wrong.

To call this conversation an interview is a wild overstatement. It would be like calling Carl's Jr. "Haute Cuisine" or Nikki Finke a responsible journalist. The entire phone call lasted slightly more than four minutes -- three minutes of which were spent on hold.

All told, I talked to the exec for about 84 seconds. I thought I offered responses to complex questions like, "Where did you go to college?" in a manner indicating my intellectual capacity and drive to succeed. Apparently not. I never heard from them again. On the plus side, I got my unemployment check the other day.

None of the above has anything to do with today's Stupid Interview Question:

“What is the world population?”

If you have a stupid interview question to share, please send it to or put it in the "Have I Got News" box to the left. All submissions will remain anonymous.


Friday, December 11, 2009

Black List 2009

It's not nearly as much fun as the Brown List. But some of you might want it. So here it is.

The Black List 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Point/Counter Point: Conveyor Belt of Love is a Good Idea

Welcome to the newest feature from the Hollywood Temp Diaries -- Point/Counter Point.

It doesn't take much to be considered a genius in Hollywood. All you need are lucky genetics, a good personality and a cute face. So I've gathered the only two I could find who fit this bill -- Dog X and Sophie D.L. Garza. They are both purebreds* ala Shiloh Jolie Pitt, are extremely charming when they're not sleeping and their faces, well...

The first topic for Point/Counter Point comes courtesy of one of my loyal readers. ABC just greenlit a new dating show -- Conveyor Belt of Love -- a program best described as The Bachelorette meets America's Got Talent. The question is:

Do we need another dating show?

: YES! I can't wait to watch Conveyor Belt of Love. The concept of 30 men being paraded past five eligible women like California Roll at a sushi-go-round is the perfect next step in dating programming. It caters to American's desire for immediate gratification, a good looking soul mate and a chance to be on any network other than NBC. Plus, I prefer shows that aren't loaded down with complexities like story, characters and dialog. I'd love to be one of the women, although they probably wouldn't pick me due to my stumpy physique and low-grade astigmatism. Bring on the hunks!

DOG X: NO! Shame on you. Conveyor Belt of Love is the bologna of TV programming. You take all the leftovers parts, jam them together, give it a cute name and market the hell out of it. And then there's the relationship component. The Bachelor and Bachelorette have aired a combined 17 seasons. Do you know how many have resulted in successful relationships? One! I've humped legs longer than some of these people have dated.

But what's worse, the concept is unoriginal. Even the name Conveyor Belt of Love reeks of me-too programming. Or perhaps ABC execs never heard of Rock of Love, Shot of Love, Flavor of Love, Chains of Love, Daisy of Love, Age of Love and Real Chance of Love. Was the widow Cobain unavailable for Courtney of Love? What about getting Martin Fry from the 80's band ABC and title the show Look of Love? Just imagine the synergies. Plus he's got nothing else going on, unless you count the tour he's on with Berlin, Wang Chung and Cutting Crew.

*Note to PETA: They were both rescues, so please leave me alone.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Time Waster #5 -- HAL 9000 edition

I don't understand how computers work. And God knows I've tried. I've attempted to learn programming in BASIC, Pascal, Java, Perl, DOS and a few other dead languages (LOGO anyone?). My inability to understand new ways to have my computer say "Hello World" is what keeps my blog looking average and prevents me from securing a lucrative job as a System Administrator.

Since I can't figure out how to fix my computer, I call IT every time I get the Blue Screen of Death. When I reach "Randy" in the Bangalore call center, he always reminds me to re-start the computer. This usually solves whatever inexplicable problem for at least a few more hours.

This brings us to our newest time waster. One of my delightful fans suggested the following way to look busy.
"To create and then fix a problem with the computer."
So simple yet so complex. Brilliant really. One tip -- I recommend setting up a Rube Goldberg-type contraption that requires 35 steps to turn your computer OFF, wait five seconds then then turn it ON.

If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Celebs: They're just like us -- only better looking and dumber

If I never wanted to work again, the first thing I'd do is find a forum and chide or at least offer backhanded compliments to potential co-workers and...well, never mind what I'd do. I'm a nobody going nowhere. Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, is an A-lister with an impressive roster of failed relationships and body of work to match.

It appears when Jen had surgery on her schnoz, the doc also took out the part of her brain that governs what she should say to the media. This becomes very obvious in her statement to regarding her dietary habits...
"If I eat burgers and fries everyday I won't get the parts I'm offered. I'd become a character actress, that may be fine one day but not right now."

Time Waster #4 -- Naughty, Nice or Not Working?

[Insert witty comment here about my lack of income, poor MS Excel skills and not having any friends except those in PETA. Then follow it up with instructions for Time Waster #4]...

Create an Excel spreadsheet labeled "XXX Prod. Co. - 4th Qtr Analysis," then shrink page view to 45% so no one any closer than six feet can really see what I'm typing and type my Christmas lists w/amounts in the "Total" column, etc.

If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Whoopie! More Vampires. Will one of them please kill me? A stake to the heart is fine.

If at first you succeed with vampires, keep doing it. According to the Hollywood Reporter...

After exploring the romantic angst of vampires in "Twilight," Summit is developing an action-oriented take on the most famous of the fanged: Dracula.

I can hardly wait. Will I have the patience to sit through the other 14 vampire projects in production? And does anyone want to produce my show? Please?

2009 Il FACA Film Festival Results

On behalf of the Hollywood Temp Diaries Board of Governors, I am pleased to announce the results of the 2009 Il Festival di d'Arte Cinematografica di Assurdita'.

Before announcing the winner, I'd like to thank everyone who submitted their film. Each entry has a charm and appeal all its own. I respect all the hard work that went into to your films. But as with any competition, there can only be one winner. This winner receives the coveted Va'Fanculo Hollywood -- Foglio della Presenze Dorato and with it, a copy of Elvis: The Ed Sullivan Shows and a very rare DVD of Viva Laughlin, the ill-fated CBS program the NY Times suggested "may well be...the worst show in the history of television."

The 2009 winner is A Family X-Mas by Warren Eig. The film stars Robert Costanzo (NYPD Blue, Batman: The Animated Series) as a mob boss who is awakened on Christmas Eve only to find an intruder in the house -- Santa Claus. Things go terribly awry for St. Nick as one might expect when breaking into a mobster's house. I shan't give away the end, but can say the film offers laughs, delivers high production quality and quality acting. I am pleased to bestow the award on this film.

So without any further delay, here is A Family X-Mas. Congrats to Warren and all the other participants.

A Family X-Mas
Warren Eig

2nd place and winner of The Office: Season 2 and the critically-acclaimed movie Wordplay to the documentary Where is the Eastside?

Where is the Eastside?
Kyle Wegner

3rd place and winner of Catwoman to the catchy, but very odd music video Turkey Murder

Turkey Murder
Jason S Looney

And the rest (listed in alphabetical order by film title)

Bed, Bath and Beyond
Hernando Bansuelo

Drugs Sex and Vampires
Miss Mason

Mad About Saffron
Nick Luciano

Satan's Seat
Jay Swanson

Trampoline Madness
Charlie Malta

Friday, December 4, 2009

TMZ FAILS... present reality with any degree of taste.

May I suggest a slightly less sensationalistic headline next time? Or a sub-head indicating Brokaw did not perish. Seriously Harvey, the third graf?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Time Waster #3 -- Do you have Prince Albert in a Can? Then let him out!

We celebrated pranks during our Hunt the Gowk Day edition of the Temp Diaries. But what never occurred to me is these nefarious deeds also serve as an exciting time waster! Here's a fun one to get even with the boss who treated you like chattel...
"Make fake calls to ex-bosses saying I have a big wig on the phone then hanging up."
[NOTE: Some phones have Caller ID, so make sure to hit *67 first so your call can't be traced.]

If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Nikki Finke Confirms She Can Copy From Variety

Leave it to Darling Nikki to give herself a "TOLDJA" for reporting the marginally interesting news that Ugly Betty is moving to Wednesdays. But that's not the fun part. Nope, not by a long shot.

The neat part is she's giving herself credit for scooping everyone on this monumental nugget of entertainment history. Except she missed out on one minor fact -- Variety had it first.

[UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that Nikki was also beaten to the punch by The Hollywood Reporter as you'll see in the chronology established below.]

Posted 12/1/09 @ 4:38 pm PT

Posted 12/1/09 @ 5:06 p.m. PT

Posted 12/1/09 @ 6:09 pm PT

Unless Nikki's been studying time dilation. If that's the case, she's smarter than we think.

Time Waster #2 -- Dunder Mifflin edition

A number of years ago, I remember my client (a Fortune 500 company) was convinced the Internet would create a paperless work world. They believed this so much they began limiting the number of file cabinets each employee could have, as no paper means no need for files. Clearly their individually-wrapped processed cheese slices were turning their brains into mush.

Luckily this paperless world never came to be. For if it had, our following Time Waster would cease to exist and I'd have to come up with something else to write about. Try it out and save your job.
"Shuffling papers around my desk every time I hear my boss fidget in his chair. I also make sure to 'walk around the office' to retrieve a 'lost paper' every 30.2 minutes. I'm also the master of mouse-clicking."
If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Time Waster #1

It's the slow time of the year. And in a year where business is running at a snail's pace and the threat of layoff looms, you need to look as busy as possible. So until Hollywood goes on Christmas Break on December 18, I will offer daily tips and tricks on ways to waste time while looking busy. These come courtesy of my readers. I offer no guarantees of their success in warding off HR, but they seem reasonable.
Hole punching slowly...only 5 pages when you can do 15, for example... that wastes time!
Ah yes, that trick is as old as they come. Divide and delay. If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.

Hollywood Execs: They're Worth Every Penny -- Ron Ziegler would be Proud

Some CBS nincompoop offered this as a response to why they blurred out Adam Lambert's "kiss" during his performance on The Early Show.
We gave this some real thought. The Madonna image (where she kisses Britney Spears) is very familiar and has appeared countless times including many times on morning television. The Adam Lambert image is a subject of great current controversy, has not been nearly as widely disseminated, and for all we know, may still lead to legal consequences.
So if I understand this correctly, if The Early Show had better ratings (and thus more widely disseminated), they wouldn't have blurred it out? Of course this show has a 30 year track record of getting trounced by GMA and the Today Show. So that ratings bump ain't happening any time soon. Oh, and what are the legal consequences?

Monday, November 30, 2009

Call For Entries: 2009 Il Festival di d'Arte Cinematografica di Assurdita'

Tomorrow's the deadline. So get your entries in before it's too late. Try to top my entry, Paranormal Inactivity.

It is with great pride that I officially open the Call For Entries for the second annual Il Festival di d'Arte Cinematografica di Assurdita' sponsored by the good folks at The Hollywood Temp Diaries.

Il FACA is a film festival for the poor, starving Hollywood artist who is just trying to get noticed but may not have the financial resources to enter one of those high-falutin' contests like Cannes, Sundance or Toronto.

I invite you to participate in this most exciting (and most certainly real) event. For all the details, go to The deadline for submission is 12 noon on December 1, 2009.

Who knows, maybe you'll win the much coveted Va'Fanculo Hollywood -- Foglio della Presenze Dorato and the accompanying prizes ELVIS: The Ed Sullivan Collection and the pilot for Viva Laughlin?

Good Luck and Good Movie!

Temp X

P.S. Here are last year's winners. And yes. I know that the dude who came in third place took his movie down. His loss.

The Internet Perfected

Lost in Stanford's recent wipe out of USC was this moment of marching band brilliance -- "A Tribute to Joe Francis."

And just to prove I'm not some Stanford grad rubbing it in, I present to you "The Play."

If only my college had a real football team (or marching band). But I went to Northwestern.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

My Holiday Gift To You...

[Only a few more days to get your ideas in. Have a great Thanksgiving.]

Ah 2009. We are soon to bid you adieu. How we won't miss your massive layoffs, limited income and programs like The Beautiful Life: TBL. But we're not there yet. There are still five more weeks until Hollywood shuts down for whatever God-fearing holiday Madonna picked to celebrate this year.

Under normal circumstances, this is an easy stretch. You await a bounty of overpriced cupcakes or exotic liqueurs from clients you forgot existed. Then you spend your work days moderating your sugar high with shots of Drambuie. But these aren't normal times. You need to look busy or risk getting "right sized" for Christmas.

Everyone has their own tricks for looking busy during this slow period. So let's share them. In the box below labeled "My favorite way to waste time at work while looking busy is..." just enter your ideas/tips and hit "Submit." Provided I get enough suggestions, I will share a new one every day during December until the holiday break begins. I recommend you use these ideas to give off the appearance of indispensability. It should stave off that unwanted visit from HR until at least January.

[Note: As with the Brown List, your entries are completely anonymous. I couldn't track who you were if I wanted to.]

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

PETA does officially hate me

Apparently PETA didn't like my photo of Dog X. I'm glad I didn't use my back-up choice.

Deleted scenes from the Hollywood Temp Diaries

I haven't had any work in six weeks. So writing the Temp Diaries is a bit tougher when you have no Temp work to write about. Lucky for me, I have a backlog of entries that didn't make the grade and/or was too lazy to finish. Periodically I'll dust them off, make a few changes and post them as filler content. Think of it as the "Deleted Scenes" on your DVD reissue of Logan's Run. Like these "Deleted Scenes," you'll soon realize why it didn't make it the first time.

[The following was originally written August 10, 2008]

I didn't write today. I haven't written for about four months. Sure, I have this blog, but I mean writing scripts -- things with act breaks, scene headings and characters based on me.

Since moving to Hollywood, I've written numerous specs, pilots and movies. I'd love to send them to agents, networks or production companies. But agencies don't accept unsolicited submissions. Nor do networks. Nor do production companies. You gotta know "people" to get the scripts in the door. And regrettably, I've yet to meet these elusive "people." I suppose I should leave my apartment more.

It's hard to motivate yourself to write when there's no guarantee of any pay off. Heck, I'd settle for someone to tell me I don't have a chance. That way I can get on with my life. Writing the first few scripts is fun, it's just everything after that is somewhere between daunting and unrewarding.

This may not make a lot of sense to anyone outside Hollywood. So for those of you I offer this food-based analogy...

Let's say you want to make gourmet pizza for a living. So you lock yourself in your apartment for a few months creating what you believe is the perfect pizza. This pie has it all -- goat cheese, baby spinach, pine nuts and a crust to die for. (Let's call this the Arrested Development. )

Confident in your creation, you ask some friends what they think. After a couple of bong hits, they tell you, "Dude. This is the best pizza in the history of man! Can you hand me the lighter?" You're riding high (no pun intended) until you leave your apartment. That's when you see all your neighbors have the same idea and are installing a woodfired ovens, buying pizza stones or reverse-engineering a pie they just bought from Mozza.

But you persist. You send pizzas to Wolfgang Puck, Gordon Ramsay and Mario Batali in hopes they'll hire you.

Three weeks later, the mailman returns your pizza in a grease-soaked box that's been rubber stamped, "We don't accept food from strangers."

You take a different approach -- sending pizzas to the sous chef, the line cook and even the dishwasher hoping to entice one of these malnourished, underpaid underlings to try a slice. If they like it, you hope they make semi-orgasmic noises drawing the attention of the head chef. It doesn't work because the assistants are quickly fired for making noise.

You then an appeal to the executives at Little Caesars. The problem is these people didn't know goats had udders, think it's immoral to eat spinach fetus and question whether pine trees have genitals. They want something simple, offers mass appeal and won't cost a lot. They want a cheese-like substance, red sauce and seasoned "meat." Let's call this pizza the According to Jim.

So in one last gasp, you go the YouTube route and give your stuff away right outside of Spago. Your "logic" is the hoards of people gathered for free snacks will pique the curiosity of Mr. Puck. He'll try a piece, and, before you can say "Prego," you'll be running the show for his entire homemade pizza line.

The reality is his Wolfie's helicopter drops him off on the roof, so he never even sees you or the crowd you've amassed. You end up broke, hungry and wondering if Domino's is hiring delivery people. They aren't.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Stupid Interview Questions -- Nostalgia Edition

Hi. Temp X here. If my postings have seemed snippier than usual recently, it's because I haven't had work in six weeks. I tend to get restless and angst filled when I don't have structure (and income) in my life. Plus it's tough to write about life as a Hollywood Temp when I have no Temp work to write about. I'm doing the best I can. So please bear with me until 2012 when economists predict the job market will make a full recovery.

For now, let's reminisce about the days of yore. Think back to when you'd actually get job interviews. Sure, you weren't hired. But at least you could tell your parents you were a final candidate before asking them important questions like, "What's the best way to dodge creditors?" or "Is shoe leather edible?"

The down side to interviewing is figuring out the right answer to ridiculous interview questions like this...

"Why is a manhole cover round?"

For those wondering, the correct answer is, "So Ninja Turtles can use them as weapons."

If you have a stupid interview question to share, please send it to or put it in the "Have I Got News" box to the left. All submissions will remain anonymous.

Friday, November 20, 2009

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Great Moments In Product Placement History

Even shows I like deserve to get skewered for shameless product placements/production subsidies. Today's G.M.I.P.P.H. comes from last night's episode of Glee. In the episode "Ballad" Finn Hudson (Cory Monteith) is having trouble expressing his feelings to his pregnant girlfriend. The lunkhead doesn't understand sperm actually needs to enter the woman to get her pregnant and his best friend is the father. But that's a conversation for another time. So Finn does the only natural thing -- he sings to a MacBook Pro a playing a (QuickTime?) video of the sonogram.

The only thing that could make this worse (or better if you're Apple) is if he'd recorded this using GarageBand 2009 and then played it back on iTunes.

I'm a Mac. And I'm a PC. And I'm the winner of this week's (cue echo) GREAT MOMENT IN PRODUCT PLACEMENT HISTORY!!!


This was to be the cover of my forthcoming autobiography (contingent upon HarperCollins agreeing to the seven-figure advance I suggested in an unsolicited communiqué). But seeing as that someone else picked a similar cover design and title, I guess I'll have to go back to the drawing board.

This just isn't my week.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Desperate times call for desperate measures

I'm aware this is a complete rip-off of the old National Lampoon cover. Since there's no such thing as a new idea in Hollywood, why not join the party?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

If only they'd listen...

This show idea sounds awfully familiar. Where have I heard this idea before? Oh right. Pauly Shore pitched this idea to [network redacted] five months ago. But that's not it. I recall hearing about it a year before that. If only I could remember who told me that idea...

Copy of Totally America

Now the real question is, should I be mad at the people who rejected my idea along the way or should I be scared that the two other people who thought of this are Pauly Shore and Bob Saget?

Celebs: They're just like us -- only better looking and dumber

I often wake up and feeling a little...underwhelmed with my appearance. But I shower, shave, dress and appear like any contributing member of society. I'm sure you do the same, whether you're an assistant in Hollywood or a social worker in Harlem. We're not glamorous. We just employ normal grooming habits.

But I had no idea that my appearance and that of my 9-5 brethren is despised by the upper echelon on Hollywood. Or at least Mariah Carey can't stand it. Here are Mimi's thoughts on dressing as a normal person for her role in Precious...

“I felt completely rancid!”

If dressing up as a normal person makes you feel that bad, it's nothing compared to how we felt after watching Glitter. Oh, who am I kidding? No one saw Glitter.

Monday, November 16, 2009

What's not quite journalism and not quite advertising?

Why, it's Deadline|Hollywood!! Buy an ad and get your press release run for free.*

I know. Some people hate when I make fun of Nikki. I'm sorry. But she had the nerve to call me "an anonymous snarker...[who] is self admittedly neither a Hollywood insider nor responsible journalist." I take offense to her use of the term "snarker," which according to Urban Dictionary is either:
  1. The art of snarking is retrieving golf balls, that where [sic] played out of bounds.
  2. A person that sniffs or snarks seats.
Let the record reflect I would never steal golf balls. And as for sniffing someone's newly-vacated seat, that's just depraved. On the subject of my journalistic ethics, all my newspaper instructors, editors and former co-workers would agree. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Of course the ones I know have said the same of you.

"And that's not all! You'll get this free follow-up article that shamelessly recites your corporate tag line while shitting on a competitor I already hate. And you'll get this gorgeous set of steak knives..."]

*I have no tangible proof it was a quid pro quo. But I will say the similarities between much of the press release and the article she ran are remarkable.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Brand Confusion 101

Lost in all the excitement of the last week was this little tidbit of programming genius:
"The hour-long live-action series Tower Prep and Warner Horizon Television's Unnatural History are to join the lineup of Cartoon Network in January 2010."
Yes, you read that correctly. Cartoon Network will soon be airing live-action shows. As we learned back in June, the term "live action" means that characters are played by people not drawings. This presents an inherent branding issue for Cartoon Network which, if I can deconstruct the name of this 17-year old station properly, is a Network airing Cartoons.

Of course NBC still calls itself a "Network," so I suppose it could be worse.

TOLDJA! Of course everyone knew this was gonna happen, so it hardly counts...(Part 2)

My second most obvious prediction has come true (after Heather Locklear returning to Melrose Place) -- Craig Ferguson beat Jimmy Fallon and won the 12:30 a.m. time slot for the first time ever.

How is it that we're all smart enough to figure this out, but those hired to do so can't?

Ben Silverman's legacy of stupidity continues.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Hollywood Execs: They're Worth Every Penny ( least for now)

Good news kids! There won't be another needless dance show after least for now.

Turns out ABC decided the unholy trinity of Kathy Griffin, famous dance scenes and D-List celebs wasn't as compelling as it sounds and sacked the show. Variety reported ABC "was having a difficult time finding celebs to participate in the show during the holiday season." Whatever gets the job done.

Here's hoping "Holiday Season" extends through MLK Day, Presidents' Day, Casimir Pulaski Day and any other holidays ending with "Day" or that contain vowels or consonants.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

nothing compares 2 werk

Little Known Fact: Before becoming an international music sensation, Prince temped in Hollywood in the mid-1970s. It was during this recession and period of intermittent employment he wrote a song that became the basis for #77 on Billboard's "Greatest Songs of All Time." I recently came into possession of this song and have posted it here for you. Push the play button for the backing track and sing along. [Tip: You should start singing 10 seconds in.]

it's been seven hours and fif-ty days,
since u took your werk away.
i sleep every night and sleep all day,
since u took your werk away.

since you've been gone i can't do whatever i want.
i can't buy whatever i choose.
i can't eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant.
damn, nothing, I said nothing can change this awful news

'cause nothing compares,
nothing compares 2 werk.

it's been so boring with nil 2 do.
i just watched Allen Funt.
nothing needs me 2 take a shower today.
tell me Hollywood, why you're a cunt?

i apply 4 every dopey job i see,
but i won't get interviewed.
i went 2 the shrink, and guess what she told me,
guess what she told me.
she said, "boy u better move nice and soon.
oh, u need a pill.
and here's your bill."

'cause nothing compares,
nothing compares 2 werk.

all the money that u paid 2 me,
went straight 2 rent.
but soon December is due.
i know that werking 4 u, baby, was sometimes hard.
but i need a new pair of shoes.

nothing compares,
nothing compares 2 werk. (3x)

Monday, November 9, 2009

My entry for the Il Festival di d'Arte Cinematografica di Assurdita'

Good Monday.

It's only a scant 22 days until the deadline for the 2009 Il Festival di d'Arte Cinematografica di Assurdita'. So consider this a pleasant reminder.

Following is my entry in the Il FACA film festival. Paranormal Inactivity is a thought-provoking film about an unemployed temp who occupies his time by awaiting the arrival of ghosts, goblins or a call from his Temp Pimp (whichever comes first). If you saw Paranormal Activity, you'll understand this deeply moving film. If you didn't, this will probably be the last time you read my site. It's been nice knowing you.

NOTE: For your technogeeks, Paranormal Inactivity was filmed on a bottom-of-the-line Panasonic PV-GS90 and edited on the iMovie software that came with my Mac. As I already owned both before production began yesterday morning, my total costs were half a video tape -- approximately $2. If the ROI of Paranormal Activity ($6,000 for every $1 spent) holds here, someone owes me $12,000.