Monday, December 28, 2009


...again. This time they scooped the world on JFK captaining a nudie cruise. Once they finished congratulating themselves, Harvey Levin, Attorney at Law, and his well-coiffed minions quickly decided they'd been duped. Of course they haven't taken down the original story.

Next up, TMZ does a book report on the Hitler Diaries, searches their freezer for Walt Disney and determines cereal crumbs found are actually remnants from when Mikey (of the Life Cereal commercials) blew up after dining on Pop Rocks and a can of Coke.

Whoops. They call it "Fact Checking" for a reason.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Black List 2009 -- The Scripts

If you want them, here they are. Not sure how long it'll last until the attorneys go bat-shit crazy. But they won't sue me. It's not my site.

Holiday Schedule

Even less than usual is going on. And that's tough to do seeing as that I'm on unemployment and haven't had work in almost 3 months. But I trudge on. That said, I'll be posting sporadically over the next two weeks. So check back if you want. Otherwise the fun starts again in earnest January 4, 2010.

And set your clocks for January 11 for a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


I don't know much about web site traffic, but I do know how to read a chart. If you'll see the graph below courtesy of (an company) Darling Nikki's boast about her site traffic beating Variety doesn't overlap with what the chart below seems to indicate.

The tan line is's daily traffic rank. The blue line is (which becomes the red line when became seems to be BELOW that line. Color me confused.

The WPIX Yule Log is Back!

I'm not much for traditions, mostly because they require remembering stuff. But for the duration of the Temp Diaries existence, I will post the WPIX Yule Log during the holiday season. Enjoy.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My favorite way to waste time at work while looking busy is... (the rest of the list)

It's probably really slow at work today. The Christmas cards are gone. Your boss is taking three-hour lunches and then "running errands" while you sit there contemplating life's cruelty. But you need to look busy in case someone important stops by. So here are the rest of the time wasters I promised. Try them out and save your job.
  • Reading trivia from movies and shows I like on IMDBPro
  • Playing Bedazzled Blitz on Facebook.
  • Reading Variety, Hollywood Reporter or any entertainment related website. It looks like you're trying to keep up to date.
  • Spreading all the papers I have on top of my desk, and when people walk by, I pretend to be reading intensely.
  • Craigslist deal hunting, and if anyone asks...I'm researching.
  • Pretend to be scheduling a meeting when my boss walk by. In reality I'm calling the voicemail to "check messages" that don't exist.
  • Twitter.
  • Using headphones and Hulu. I watched two full seasons of LOST while pretending to file.
  • iChatting intently with six friends at once so it looks like you're productively typing something important.
  • Typing emails to myself about the better career decisions I could have made.
  • Reading fan fiction via Outlook.
  • Constantly hitting refresh on Twitter and ONTD when nobody's looking.
  • Pretending to talk to co-workers about work.
  • Making cold calls all day, and when I find a number that is a definite straight to voicemail, that number will get at least 25 more calls that day.
  • Working on my own screenplay after I've done coverage on so much other crap.
  • Printing out a document and "editing" it by hand, which means making half-hearted marks with a pen.
  • Randomly typing on my keyboard pretending to write an email, when I am actually reading this blog!!

Memo to PETA

To: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

From: Temp X

Re: The Daily Show Segment: "You're Welcome with John Hodgman"

I was peacefully enjoying my tofu scramble with a Fair Trade soy cheese latte this morning when my whole world turned upside down. You see I was watching a replay of last night's Daily Show when I saw the most abhorrent, repulsive and unfunny image ever to alter the pixels of my cathode ray tube. While discussing ideas on eliminating our debt toward the Chinese, Daily Show contributor Hodgman suggested Americans threaten to kill the panda Tai Xian unless the Chinese forgive the $800 billion we owe them. And if that wasn't vulgar enough, they ran the following image...

[Note: It's at the it's at the 11:26 mark]

I was horrified. What kind of sick, award-winning, highly-rated, PETA-endorsed program would allow such a thing? Have they no sense of decency? And to suggest this is somehow funny because it aired on Comedy Central? I see nothing smart or funny about this. I haven't felt this sick since I saw that dog-killer posting on the Hollywood Temp Diaries or the follow-up discussion of Tofu murder.

Please join me in my boycott of all Daily Show sponsors and organizations that endorse this kind of behavior.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Nikki Finke also confirms the sun will rise in the East tomorrow

Really? This merits a "TOLDJA!"? (I'm not sure how to punctuate that, sorry.) A simple web search shows no dearth of coverage on this merger already from such outlets as Variety, The Wrap and You. The press release was just a formality.

Perhaps you should lay off the egg nog. It's clouding what's left of your news judgment.

Hollywood Dictionary: Volume 16 -- The Writers' Edition

More from the Hollywood Dictionary...

COVERAGE -- In a town where those wearing the fewest clothes win, coverage would seem to be the last thing anyone in Hollywood would want. But writers crave coverage. Could this be because writers are ugly and, if given the option, would prefer pull the bed sheets up to their eyes making them look like one of the Sand People? Nope. The coverage we crave has nothing to do with $300 True Religion hip-huggers or Christian Audigier belly shirts. Coverage for us is when a Hollywood exec's assistant compiles a three paragraph, Cliffs Notes summary of your 160-page Magnum Opus, thus sparing the exec from doing his job. Months later, after you've been rejected, you find out the assistant didn't grasp your modern interpretation of Shakespeare's Cymbeline because she's "more of an America's Next Top Model fan."

NOTES -- So let's say you've demonstrated enough discipline and moxie to finish a script. Now you need to go back through and fix all the plot holes and unresolved story lines. The problem is you've spent six months reading and re-reading your own work. You're at the point that you can't even recognize a typo in your name much less find inconsistencies in your main character. That's why you have friends -- or as we writers call them "people who gently provide feedback on our scripts, paying special attention to our fragile psyche." So you give these people your script and ask them what needs fixing. We call these notes. [TIP: "Your script sucks" in not considered an adequate note.]

POLISH -- This has nothing to do with jokes about hockey teams drowning during Spring training, screen doors on submarines, light bulb changing with a rotating ladder or being stuck on a broken escalator. This is the other pronunciation of the word (-lish). It means taking your script, incorporating the notes (see above) and making it glisten. This becomes very useful for beating your head against when you see American Gladiator: The Movie has been green lit.

This is CNN?

Slow news day, huh?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Stupid Interview Questions -- Greenwich Mean Time edition

I had a phone interview the other day! I may soon be able to cast off this Scarlet T forever. Hooray for me, right? Wrong.

To call this conversation an interview is a wild overstatement. It would be like calling Carl's Jr. "Haute Cuisine" or Nikki Finke a responsible journalist. The entire phone call lasted slightly more than four minutes -- three minutes of which were spent on hold.

All told, I talked to the exec for about 84 seconds. I thought I offered responses to complex questions like, "Where did you go to college?" in a manner indicating my intellectual capacity and drive to succeed. Apparently not. I never heard from them again. On the plus side, I got my unemployment check the other day.

None of the above has anything to do with today's Stupid Interview Question:

“What is the world population?”

If you have a stupid interview question to share, please send it to or put it in the "Have I Got News" box to the left. All submissions will remain anonymous.


Friday, December 11, 2009

Black List 2009

It's not nearly as much fun as the Brown List. But some of you might want it. So here it is.

The Black List 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Point/Counter Point: Conveyor Belt of Love is a Good Idea

Welcome to the newest feature from the Hollywood Temp Diaries -- Point/Counter Point.

It doesn't take much to be considered a genius in Hollywood. All you need are lucky genetics, a good personality and a cute face. So I've gathered the only two I could find who fit this bill -- Dog X and Sophie D.L. Garza. They are both purebreds* ala Shiloh Jolie Pitt, are extremely charming when they're not sleeping and their faces, well...

The first topic for Point/Counter Point comes courtesy of one of my loyal readers. ABC just greenlit a new dating show -- Conveyor Belt of Love -- a program best described as The Bachelorette meets America's Got Talent. The question is:

Do we need another dating show?

: YES! I can't wait to watch Conveyor Belt of Love. The concept of 30 men being paraded past five eligible women like California Roll at a sushi-go-round is the perfect next step in dating programming. It caters to American's desire for immediate gratification, a good looking soul mate and a chance to be on any network other than NBC. Plus, I prefer shows that aren't loaded down with complexities like story, characters and dialog. I'd love to be one of the women, although they probably wouldn't pick me due to my stumpy physique and low-grade astigmatism. Bring on the hunks!

DOG X: NO! Shame on you. Conveyor Belt of Love is the bologna of TV programming. You take all the leftovers parts, jam them together, give it a cute name and market the hell out of it. And then there's the relationship component. The Bachelor and Bachelorette have aired a combined 17 seasons. Do you know how many have resulted in successful relationships? One! I've humped legs longer than some of these people have dated.

But what's worse, the concept is unoriginal. Even the name Conveyor Belt of Love reeks of me-too programming. Or perhaps ABC execs never heard of Rock of Love, Shot of Love, Flavor of Love, Chains of Love, Daisy of Love, Age of Love and Real Chance of Love. Was the widow Cobain unavailable for Courtney of Love? What about getting Martin Fry from the 80's band ABC and title the show Look of Love? Just imagine the synergies. Plus he's got nothing else going on, unless you count the tour he's on with Berlin, Wang Chung and Cutting Crew.

*Note to PETA: They were both rescues, so please leave me alone.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Time Waster #5 -- HAL 9000 edition

I don't understand how computers work. And God knows I've tried. I've attempted to learn programming in BASIC, Pascal, Java, Perl, DOS and a few other dead languages (LOGO anyone?). My inability to understand new ways to have my computer say "Hello World" is what keeps my blog looking average and prevents me from securing a lucrative job as a System Administrator.

Since I can't figure out how to fix my computer, I call IT every time I get the Blue Screen of Death. When I reach "Randy" in the Bangalore call center, he always reminds me to re-start the computer. This usually solves whatever inexplicable problem for at least a few more hours.

This brings us to our newest time waster. One of my delightful fans suggested the following way to look busy.
"To create and then fix a problem with the computer."
So simple yet so complex. Brilliant really. One tip -- I recommend setting up a Rube Goldberg-type contraption that requires 35 steps to turn your computer OFF, wait five seconds then then turn it ON.

If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Celebs: They're just like us -- only better looking and dumber

If I never wanted to work again, the first thing I'd do is find a forum and chide or at least offer backhanded compliments to potential co-workers and...well, never mind what I'd do. I'm a nobody going nowhere. Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, is an A-lister with an impressive roster of failed relationships and body of work to match.

It appears when Jen had surgery on her schnoz, the doc also took out the part of her brain that governs what she should say to the media. This becomes very obvious in her statement to regarding her dietary habits...
"If I eat burgers and fries everyday I won't get the parts I'm offered. I'd become a character actress, that may be fine one day but not right now."

Time Waster #4 -- Naughty, Nice or Not Working?

[Insert witty comment here about my lack of income, poor MS Excel skills and not having any friends except those in PETA. Then follow it up with instructions for Time Waster #4]...

Create an Excel spreadsheet labeled "XXX Prod. Co. - 4th Qtr Analysis," then shrink page view to 45% so no one any closer than six feet can really see what I'm typing and type my Christmas lists w/amounts in the "Total" column, etc.

If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Whoopie! More Vampires. Will one of them please kill me? A stake to the heart is fine.

If at first you succeed with vampires, keep doing it. According to the Hollywood Reporter...

After exploring the romantic angst of vampires in "Twilight," Summit is developing an action-oriented take on the most famous of the fanged: Dracula.

I can hardly wait. Will I have the patience to sit through the other 14 vampire projects in production? And does anyone want to produce my show? Please?

2009 Il FACA Film Festival Results

On behalf of the Hollywood Temp Diaries Board of Governors, I am pleased to announce the results of the 2009 Il Festival di d'Arte Cinematografica di Assurdita'.

Before announcing the winner, I'd like to thank everyone who submitted their film. Each entry has a charm and appeal all its own. I respect all the hard work that went into to your films. But as with any competition, there can only be one winner. This winner receives the coveted Va'Fanculo Hollywood -- Foglio della Presenze Dorato and with it, a copy of Elvis: The Ed Sullivan Shows and a very rare DVD of Viva Laughlin, the ill-fated CBS program the NY Times suggested "may well be...the worst show in the history of television."

The 2009 winner is A Family X-Mas by Warren Eig. The film stars Robert Costanzo (NYPD Blue, Batman: The Animated Series) as a mob boss who is awakened on Christmas Eve only to find an intruder in the house -- Santa Claus. Things go terribly awry for St. Nick as one might expect when breaking into a mobster's house. I shan't give away the end, but can say the film offers laughs, delivers high production quality and quality acting. I am pleased to bestow the award on this film.

So without any further delay, here is A Family X-Mas. Congrats to Warren and all the other participants.

A Family X-Mas
Warren Eig

2nd place and winner of The Office: Season 2 and the critically-acclaimed movie Wordplay to the documentary Where is the Eastside?

Where is the Eastside?
Kyle Wegner

3rd place and winner of Catwoman to the catchy, but very odd music video Turkey Murder

Turkey Murder
Jason S Looney

And the rest (listed in alphabetical order by film title)

Bed, Bath and Beyond
Hernando Bansuelo

Drugs Sex and Vampires
Miss Mason

Mad About Saffron
Nick Luciano

Satan's Seat
Jay Swanson

Trampoline Madness
Charlie Malta

Friday, December 4, 2009

TMZ FAILS... present reality with any degree of taste.

May I suggest a slightly less sensationalistic headline next time? Or a sub-head indicating Brokaw did not perish. Seriously Harvey, the third graf?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Time Waster #3 -- Do you have Prince Albert in a Can? Then let him out!

We celebrated pranks during our Hunt the Gowk Day edition of the Temp Diaries. But what never occurred to me is these nefarious deeds also serve as an exciting time waster! Here's a fun one to get even with the boss who treated you like chattel...
"Make fake calls to ex-bosses saying I have a big wig on the phone then hanging up."
[NOTE: Some phones have Caller ID, so make sure to hit *67 first so your call can't be traced.]

If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Nikki Finke Confirms She Can Copy From Variety

Leave it to Darling Nikki to give herself a "TOLDJA" for reporting the marginally interesting news that Ugly Betty is moving to Wednesdays. But that's not the fun part. Nope, not by a long shot.

The neat part is she's giving herself credit for scooping everyone on this monumental nugget of entertainment history. Except she missed out on one minor fact -- Variety had it first.

[UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that Nikki was also beaten to the punch by The Hollywood Reporter as you'll see in the chronology established below.]

Posted 12/1/09 @ 4:38 pm PT

Posted 12/1/09 @ 5:06 p.m. PT

Posted 12/1/09 @ 6:09 pm PT

Unless Nikki's been studying time dilation. If that's the case, she's smarter than we think.

Time Waster #2 -- Dunder Mifflin edition

A number of years ago, I remember my client (a Fortune 500 company) was convinced the Internet would create a paperless work world. They believed this so much they began limiting the number of file cabinets each employee could have, as no paper means no need for files. Clearly their individually-wrapped processed cheese slices were turning their brains into mush.

Luckily this paperless world never came to be. For if it had, our following Time Waster would cease to exist and I'd have to come up with something else to write about. Try it out and save your job.
"Shuffling papers around my desk every time I hear my boss fidget in his chair. I also make sure to 'walk around the office' to retrieve a 'lost paper' every 30.2 minutes. I'm also the master of mouse-clicking."
If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Time Waster #1

It's the slow time of the year. And in a year where business is running at a snail's pace and the threat of layoff looms, you need to look as busy as possible. So until Hollywood goes on Christmas Break on December 18, I will offer daily tips and tricks on ways to waste time while looking busy. These come courtesy of my readers. I offer no guarantees of their success in warding off HR, but they seem reasonable.
Hole punching slowly...only 5 pages when you can do 15, for example... that wastes time!
Ah yes, that trick is as old as they come. Divide and delay. If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.

Hollywood Execs: They're Worth Every Penny -- Ron Ziegler would be Proud

Some CBS nincompoop offered this as a response to why they blurred out Adam Lambert's "kiss" during his performance on The Early Show.
We gave this some real thought. The Madonna image (where she kisses Britney Spears) is very familiar and has appeared countless times including many times on morning television. The Adam Lambert image is a subject of great current controversy, has not been nearly as widely disseminated, and for all we know, may still lead to legal consequences.
So if I understand this correctly, if The Early Show had better ratings (and thus more widely disseminated), they wouldn't have blurred it out? Of course this show has a 30 year track record of getting trounced by GMA and the Today Show. So that ratings bump ain't happening any time soon. Oh, and what are the legal consequences?