Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Temp X -- Computer Hacker?

[UPDATE:  Apparently Variety got wind of my hack and have since changed their IP address.  So the fun is over.  Variety, you can send me a check any time.  Companies typically pay hackers good money to find holes in their systems.]

I am not a computer hacker.  The last computer programming class I took was Pascal, and I think I got a C.  That's why I am as shocked as you are that I figured out a very simple way to bypass Variety's new subscription thingy.

For those of you unfamiliar with what I'm referring to, Variety recently changed their website to a subscription model.  And that's probably a smart thing.  People are increasingly getting their news online.  The ad market is soft.  And money doesn't grow on trees.  But if I can figure out how to access your site without paying for it, you need to hire smarter programmers.

Enough of the preamble.  Here's how you bypass the subscription.
  1. Go to and click on any article.  At this point you'll get the black "you need to pay here" page.  Now the fun starts.
  2. Replace the part in the URL that says with  I think this is called the IP address.  Or perhaps they're the magic number from LOST?  [Note: Don't replace the "http://" or the stuff after ".com".  Only the]
  3. Now you're behind whatever firewall thing.  Enjoy the entire site gratis.
That's it.  Of course your boss already has the print edition.  So this an exercise in redundancy.  But it's kinda fun.

Just don't ask me how I figured this out.  I'm not really sure.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Text Message Movie Review -- Twilight

A few weeks ago, I sat through the worst movie I'd ever seen -- Twilight: New Moon.  To get even with the friend who let me borrow it, I decided to send her text messages with my minute-to-minute assessment of the film.  I called this new feature Text Message Movie Review.

Turns out this feature was such a hit, I decided to do it again.  And what better film to watch than what is now the worst movie I've ever seen -- Twilight.  Or as I like to call it, Boredom: Part One.  

10:45 p.m. -- Welcome to another edition of Text Message Movie Review.  Today, I bring you Twilight...strap on your barf bag.

10:47 p.m. -- I think I'm in Hell.  No.  I know I'm in Hell.  A Hell not seen since Caddyshack 2.  And acting levels not seen since the Woodcrest Community Center's production of Our Town.

10:52 p.m. -- If Kristen Stewart does any more voice overs, this movie will switch genres from a teen angst to film noir. 

10:58 p.m. -- The chick from Up in the Air fake laughs like the Oscar nominee she was.

11:06 p.m. -- Tengo que vomitar (I have a tendency to speak Spanish after a couple drinks.  This is a prime example of that.)

11:11 p.m. -- The slow motion running makes it appear that an episode of Baywatch broke out during my viewing of Twilight.

11:12 p.m. -- I shall at this moment refer to something I said in my review of New Moon...This film is shot like a senior project that got a C-minus.

11:19 p.m. -- Rather than study at Stella Adler, it appears that the dramatic training for this film was courtesy of Acting For Dummies: Volumes 1 and 3.

11:25 p.m. -- Quote of the movie comes from Bella, "I don't like cold, wet things."

11:27 p.m. -- The sexual tension in this film could be cut with a Q-Tip.

11:31 p.m. -- If only the car that almost hit Bella and Edward had been a Ford Pinto.  An explosion killing them both could have rescued this film.  Sigh.

11:35 p.m. -- Imagined quote of the movie comes from Edward, "Bella, we shouldn't be in this movie together.  It's bad for everyone."

11:44 p.m. -- I have concluded this...teenage girls are very stupid.  They have a lot of disposable income (and gullible parents), but they are dumb nonetheless.

11:47 p.m. -- I hold you [Name Redacted] personally responsible for making me watch this crap.  Not because it's true, but because it's easier than blaming myself.

11:51 p.m. -- Note to self: Never tell anyone you can hear what they're thinking.  On a side note, who thinks of money, sex and cats in that order?

11:52 p.m. -- Methinks she thinks he's a Vampire.  Duh.  What was the other option?  An underwhelming version of an Insane Clown Posse fan (a.k.a. Juggalo).

11:58 p.m. -- About three things I am sure 1) this is beyond the worst movie ever 2) I would rather be bitten by a bat (note: not a vampire, a real bat) than watch this movie again 3) this film should never have been financed.

At this point it was getting late.  So I decided to skip out on the last half of the movie, go home and rest up for a dull Monday at work.  Coincidentally (or maybe not) this was also the point where my tolerance for cinematic garbage reached its breaking point.  How I look forward to Twilight: Eclipse.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Changes to the Temp Diaries

You've probably noticed that the site looks a little different today.  That's because after two years of looking at those stupid dots, Blogger finally improved to the point that I could do a major overhaul without much difficulty.

I could prattle on and on about the changes to the site but I think you can figure them out.  The most important things are as follows:
  • You can now access the Joblist, Yenta, The Brown List, etc. without leaving the page.  Just click the name on the navigation bar.
  • Job search resources, including Temp agencies and job search sites are in the right-hand column.
  • All the stuff about me is in the left-hand column.  So you can skip right over it.
  • There's a search thingy that searches only the Temp Diaries site.  I suppose this is useful.
  • Those stupid dots that I always hated are gone.
  • And there's a bunch of other little things that are of marginal import.
I hope you like the new look.  And please be patient as there are probably some bugs I haven't yet figured out or solved.  But I think it's a significant improvement.

You'd think I'd follow this up with the "Changes" video from David Bowie.  Fooled you.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Guess who turns 8 today?

Happy birthday Dog X. Don't eat the couch while I'm at work.

How to make your boss nice -- if only for a few days

It's come to my attention that one of the reasons Hollywood execs can be tremendous assholes they're having problems in the bedroom. Or more accurately put -- they really need to get laid.

Every egomaniacal nitwit who ever moved here to be an entertainment executive came, in part, because of the promise of having tons of sex with beautiful people. That promise doesn't come true for everyone for a variety of reasons (e.g., marriage, underwhelming private parts). This leads to anger, resentment and hostility. Or as we barnacles know it, our boss being moody.

While we can't make these ogres more charming, attractive or smart, we can at least try to get them back in the saddle. So following are some ideas on ways to get your boss off your back and on to someone else's...

Your boss is single and not getting any: This is the hardest scenario because there's probably a good reason your boss can't find a date. Start by setting general meetings for your overlord with the good looking aspiring actor/actress you met at a mixer. (Oh and, true or not, mention how they make extra cash doing nude modeling.) The talent will arrive hoping this is their big break. Your boss, on the other hand, will spend 30 minutes to use this opportunity to test out the casting couch. If it works, your boss mellows out for a few days. He/she might even reward you with that long-promised 2 percent raise.

Your boss is married but not getting any: This one requires you to play Cupid for the struggling couple. First, call Moe's Flowers and expense the priciest calla lily arrangement [NYC residents: Use Ovando, the preferred florist of the 4 Seasons.] Then write an exceedingly romantic poem to accompany the flowers. If you're having trouble thinking of something loving (likely because you work too much to date), check out and plagiarize your favorite Pablo Neruda piece. The old "Ball and Chain" will think it's the sweetest gesture ever. Your boss will be too busy getting lucky (and too embarrassed) to admit he/she didn't buy the flowers in the first place.

Your boss is married and having an affair but still not getting any: An expensive, but solvable problem. Come in to work one day grinning from ear to ear. When your boss wonders why you're happy for once, say you bought your significant other a nice present from Tiffany's, Best Buy, etc. spent the rest of the weekend doing the Horizontal Bop. This ought to kick your boss's brain into action. If not, be slightly more overt and tell your boss that his/her f-buddy was telling you how much they want a (insert $500-$1000 product here). The corporate card takes care of the rest.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Is Mike Fleming taking over Nikki's role as Chief Noodnik at Deadline?

It appears that Nikki has mailed it in. The Old Gray Lady seemingly does nothing more than reprint press releases while putting Mike Fleming in charge of all the "reporting" AND the self-congratulatory nonsense. Be careful Darling Nikki as one day, the student will become the teacher.

And on that note, here's Mike's first foray in to being a bitch.

On a scale of 1-10 I give Mike's bitching about a 2. It's a nice idea to suggest that MTV is a bunch of crap that doesn't deserve to be considered news. But when your boss uses their "surface-scratching celebrity junket interviews" as content on your site...well...let's just say there's a conflict of ideas there.

The Final Countdown: 7 days to write 17 syllables

And now, a pleasant reminder from the management...

Do you like free beer? Well then you'll love free beer with a slight flavoring of whatever ping pong balls are made of. Yep. It's time again for the Hollywood Assistant Beer Pong Tournament. And for the second year in a row, I'm paying for you to get drunk. But first you'll need to entertain me with the best 17 syllables you've ever written.

From now until March 31, 2010, email me your best haiku about your life in Hollywood. The writers of the four best haikus will earn a coveted spot on Team Temp Diaries (2 players + 2 alternates). I will then pony up the cash for the team. Then you'll get drunk and make me proud. It's that easy. I just have a few requirements:
  1. You are actually a Temp or Unemployed.
  2. You will be in LA April 24, 2010 between 5 pm and 2 am to participate in the tournament.
  3. You can get to Lucky Strike (6801 Hollywood Blvd) and can find a way to get home safely.
  4. You have some basic understanding of throwing a ping pong ball.
  5. You like beer, or at least are willing to drink it.
  6. You know how to write a haiku or can look it up on Google.
That's it. Get to haikuing. Once you're done, sent it to me and the judging will commence.

Here are some of my favorite entries so far. If they can do it, you can too.

Abandon logic.
Regular jobs are for schmucks.
Come to Hollywood.

I'm an optimist
Trying to work in LA
My soul is half full

Fights are legendary
The truth over flows by beer cup
Tradition remains*

Panic in PR
Manohla hates the movie
hiss, Manohla. hiss.

*Note, this haiku doesn't follow the traditional 5-7-5 syllable count. But I'm letting it slide.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Is rhinoplasty ok?

Only in Hollywood can an effort to make a family friendly movie (or whatever Disney's motive is) become what sounds like a try-out for Perfect 10 magazine. Following is an actual casting request for wenches for Pirates of the Caribbean 4:

Beautiful Female Fit Models. Must be 5'7-5'8, Size 4 or 6 - NO BIGGER OR SMALLER. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. MUST have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants. This is a show and tell of costumes with the director and the producers. Plan on an entire day of trying on clothes and being photographed.

Professional Dancers who are Swimmers. Females ONLY. Age 18-30. All ethnicities. YOU MUST have an extensive dance/swimming resume. We will be shooting in Hawaii.

That said, it's a lot better that the earlier draft:

Pervy old white men (ages 45-54) who aren't getting any from their wife, seek young, impressionable and desperate women to leer at. Will use the convenient excuse of casting a major motion picture so it doesn't feel so lecherous. Please, please have nice titties. None of this Pam Anderson stuff. If I wanted that, I'd go Crazy Horse or Cheetah's. Be prepared to take your top off for no particular reason. Did I mention that you need to have nice titties?

Honesty isn't the best policy in a state with "no-fault" divorce laws and communal property.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Andy Rooney can go suck an egg

You know what really sticks in my craw. No, it's not that the early bird special at Canter's ends before I finish my afternoon nap. And God knows I love their free pickles. No. It's old people.

First they were called "Old Folks." Then "Elderly." Then they decided that "Senior Citizens" was palatable.
I really wish they'd settle on something.

I mean these people only have so much time left on this planet. So to argue this point as a way to fill time between watching reruns of Matlock and griping about bottled water -- well it just seems silly.

But then again when their spokesmodel Andy Rooney goes off like he did last night on
60 Minutes, I think I'd rather hear about the difference between Crystal Geyser and Evian.

I also think that it's time they consider changing their name again to "Senile Americans." That seems to fit just fine.

[Note: Emphasis is mine]

Every day, I read about how hard it is for a lot of people to find a good job. I'm skeptical of course, because I think if you know how to do anything, someone's going to pay you to do it.

The fact is, even with the economy getting better, good jobs are still scarce of course. I suppose a lot of companies are doing whatever they do with fewer people now. That's the American way, after all. What they make may not be any good but that doesn't bother them. A lot of companies are more interested in money than in their product.

I've been lucky most of my life, but I've been out of work a few times too so I know what it is like not to have a good job or enough money. Something's wrong though because there's so much work to be done everywhere in the world that there should never be any unemployment. The problem is, the theory assumes that a person who has been an executive, for example, would clean up debris by the side of the road for the county supervisor if he really needed a job. He won't do that of course because what he thinks he ought to be is the county supervisor.

They say that in most companies middle management people have been hit the hardest with layoffs, whatever "middle-management" is, and a lot of them are college graduates too who thought their degrees made sure they could get a good job.
Would it be a waste of education for someone who graduates from Yale for example, to become a plumber, an electrician or a bricklayer? We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then, go home at night and read Shakespeare.

Kinda makes you miss Charles Grodin, eh?

Friday, March 19, 2010

Madness in March

I didn't post yesterday because I was hungover. Fine. Are you happy? I had a couple too many drinks celebrating my non-Irish heritage. Then, after a little more than six hours sleep, I woke up just in time to shower and make it to work five minutes late. My headache lasted until 3 p.m., at which point I broke down and took an Advil. That stuff works miracles.

But enough about my liquor consumption. Yesterday was the most important day of the year because it was the opening of the NCAA Basketball tournament. Yep. Everyone's favorite time of lost work productivity (estimated at $1.8 billion) began with a slew of Cinderella upsets including Ohio University, Murray State and Old Dominion. And chances are your boss was taking more than a sly peek at the TV or the computer to watch Villanova barely beat Robert Morris.

The beginning of March Madness reminds me of one of my favorite Hollywood stories. I will now share it with you.

"Can you fax this right away?" my boss asks me as he hands me a few sheets of paper. "It's urgent."

I don't look at the contents. I only see the cover sheet has a certain network president's name on it. This must be important stuff. No time to dally. So with the efficiency of a Swiss watch, I dart to the fax machine and start dialing.

The machine rings busy.


So I try it again.

Double Drat!

And again.

Even more Drat!

Slightly panicked, I did what any dutiful temp would do under the circumstances. I call over and, with urgent politeness, ask if they're having problems with their fax machine.

"Yeah," the assistant replies nonchalantly. "The machine's jammed right now because everyone is sending in their brackets. Don't worry. As long as it gets here before the games start, you'll be fine."

I peek under the coversheet and see this "urgent" document is my boss's tournament picks. He had UCLA winning the whole thing.

They lost to Florida in the finals 73-57.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

St. Patrick's Day After -- Revisted

Happy St. Patrick's Day!! Perhaps it resulted from living in Chicago for eight years, but I really enjoy this holiday. I guess I like any day where drinking before noon is not only acceptable but encouraged. That also explains why I love Mardi Gras, The Fourth of July and Yom Kippur.

But before you tie one on, I must remind you that Newton's Third Law of Motion is in play today. That law states, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." I proved this last year when my action was drinking mass quantities of green beer. The equal and opposite reaction...well that's listed below in my posting from March 18, 2009.

I'm a little late with today's blog posting. Here's why...

7:00 a.m. Woke up with a raging head and stomach ache.
7:01 a.m. Went back to sleep.
7:44 a.m. Woke up again.
7:45 a.m. Started showering.
7:47 a.m. Stopped half way though the shower. Thought I was gonna barf.
7:48 a.m. Barfed.
7:59 a.m. Called Pimp and said I can't work today. Blamed leftovers (partially true).
8:02 a.m. Fell asleep again.
4:00 p.m. Woke up.
4:16 p.m. Had a turkey burger and a root beer. Watched last night's Daily Show.
4:45 p.m. Started today's blog entry.
4:55 p.m. Wrote this line of my blog entry. Then realized I could not travel forward in time to figure out what I was gonna do the rest of the day.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Word around the water cooler

It's been a while since I've written good blind industry gossip. But I've heard a few things in recent days that range from kinda interesting to sorta interesting. So what the heck.

Reunited and it feels so good: Cinematic versions of TV shows continue to have Hollywood in a death grip. The A-Team. Gilligan's Island. And now this. After repeated false starts, word is these 1990s icons will finally reconvene for a movie. Of course, by the time it hits the theaters, it'll be nearly 20 years since these friends were relevant. Perhaps they'll do it in 3D. That would be pretty cool.

Someone's not gonna be an OWNer: Last week TheWrap reported that Oprah's long-awaited, seemingly-imaginary network named a triumvirate to head up programming. My source tells me one of these three ain't going anywhere. Considering that OWN runs a press release on every hire short of the janitor -- but still has nothing about any of these "hires" -- there might be something to this. Either that, or this person is an outstanding fibber.

It's just not Fair: Word is a certain production company has found a new way of securing cheap labor in bad economic times...not paying them at all. They've been calling in applicants vying for an assistant gig at the company and asking them to "try out for the day" answering phones/writing coverage while they interview other people right in front of them. After the day is done, they get a "We'll be in touch" and zero pay.

And remember, you too can offer anonymous tips. Just put them in the anonymous tip box in the left column labeled "Have I Got News."

Monday, March 15, 2010

Ask Temp X: Unemployment

Hi. Temp X here. As a former Temp (Wow! It's still weird saying that.) and master of the California Employment Development Department, I'm frequently asked questions about how unemployment works. Here's a recent example:

"I read/saw your post today about your 2009 salary and collecting unemployment. I’m just curious about the unemployment process...What if EDD sends you a check but you end up working 1-2 days that week? Do you send some money back? Do you need to work through a temp agency for a particular amount of time?

The simple answer to the questions are: "No. You don't send money back. The EDD checks come AFTER your pay period, not before. They adjust your check accordingly." and "Yes, you need to work for a certain period of time." But if this doesn't offer enough detail, I've written up the following example.*

Molly had a steady temp gig at MTV until she was (with no notice) replaced with an unpaid intern. Depressed by her misfortune, Molly goes on a Vegas bender and blows through her savings at the Blackjack table [Tip: Splitting a pair of 10s = bad idea]. She wakes up Monday morning with a wicked hangover and an ever-growing credit card balance. Molly immediately makes two calls -- one to California EDD and the other to Jules at Friedman Personnel.

Based on her pay history, EDD determines Molly's weekly benefit to be a paltry $300. Moments later, Jules calls. He got Molly a one-day gig working for a certain talent agent with a Napoleon complex and small genitals. At this job, she earns $88 in gross wages (8 hours x $11/hour).

A week later, Molly receives her first unemployment form. She quickly fills it out and checks the "Yes" box indicating she worked that week. She lists her gross wages as $88 and mails the form back to EDD.

Once EDD receives Molly's claim, they take her weekly benefit and (more or less) subtracts whatever she earned that week. They then issue a Molly a check for the remainder -- or somewhere around $220.**

That's pretty much it. After re-reading this, I'm starting to wonder if this was helpful or just more confusing. My best suggestion is don't lose your job.

* The dollar amounts listed are an approximation. I'm not completely sure how EDD does their math. And considering their phone system is one step below two cans and a string, I'm not sure they do either.

**If the Federal stimulus program is still running, you get an extra $25 per week.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Celebs: They're just like us -- only better looking and dumber

Calling Heidi Montag a celebrity is like calling Jack in the Box fine dining. That is to say, there are some people who actually believe these statements to be true. The problem is these same people have no taste. So it's with that well-crafted analogy that I bring you today's edition of Celebs: They're just like us -- only better looking and dumber.

Her Royal Plasticness recently told the following:
After the incredible experiences I have had healing my life and truly connecting to my dreams with healer intuitive Aiden Chase, I have officially asked him to become my manager. Having an intuitive psychic leading my team gives me an edge no one else has...No longer is my husband the face of my business or managing my career. The time for change is now. Never mix business and pleasure. We are no longer Speidi but Spencer and Heidi.

I actually don't know where to start with this one. Is it best to start with hiring a "healer" to be your manager? Calling a "healer" a "psychic?" That Heidi has a "team" supporting her? Or that she refers to herself in the third person? You pick. They're all absurd. Perhaps Heidi will get enough cosmetic surgery that it'll prevent her from opening her mouth.

We can only hope.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

ISO: 2010 Hollywood Assistant Beer Pong Team

Spring is in the air. Those few confusing weeks when LA is neither cold and rainy nor hot and smoggy are upon us. The coming of the Vernal Equinox can only mean one thing. A certain rite we've waited 364 days for -- the Hollywood Assistant Beer Pong Tournament -- has returned.

Yes. America's least-sanitary drinking game is back. And for the second year in a row, the Hollywood Temp Diaries is fielding a team! Show off your deftness at throwing a ball into a plastic cup as representatives from CAA, CBS, Lionsgate and countless other places that aren't hiring look on it terror.

Last year Team Temp Diaries consisted of the first people to email me expressing interest. That approach resulted in a first round defeat at the hands of Spyglass Entertainment. So this year I'm taking a slightly different tack. You're gonna have to earn the right to represent the most important blog in Hollywood. You're gonna have to earn this right through haiku.

From now until March 31, 2010, email me your best haiku about your life in Hollywood. The writers of the four best haikus will earn a coveted spot on Team Temp Diaries (2 players + 2 alternates). I will then pony up the cash for the team. Then you'll get drunk and make me proud. It's that easy. I just have a few requirements:
  1. You are actually a Temp or unemployed.
  2. You will be in LA April 24, 2010 between 5 pm and 2 am to participate in the tournament.
  3. You can get to Lucky Strike (6801 Hollywood Blvd) and can find a way to get home safely.
  4. You have some basic understanding of throwing a ping pong ball.
  5. You like beer, or at least are willing to drink it.
  6. You know how to write a haiku.
That's it. Get to haikuing. Once you're done, sent it to me and the judging will commence. Here's my entry. I hope yours is better.

Hollywood sucks. Sucks
Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks.
Yep. Totally sucks.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I'm totally going to Heaven now

Just found out someone else found employment through my Joblist. Hooray for him and for me.

Oscar Non-Blog-Along Blog

No one really cares about those who blog-along with award shows. We can all watch TV just fine without the unnecessary involvement of Darling Nikki, CNN, MTV or even the The Newark Star-Ledger. I know what I just saw. I don't need you to tell me again.

The truth is blog-alongers are simply tech-capable versions of the annoying person who inevitably sits behind you at the movies. You know the one. She took Intro to Film History during summer school and now feels compelled to explain (whether you want to hear it or not) her thoughts on the auteurism of Vittorio De Sica. Or perhaps blog-alongers are more like the person who sat in the front row of Psych 101 (with 500 of your closest friends) and repeatedly interrupts with questions about the Super Ego. Either way, they're annoying. And despite your best efforts to ignore them, they just don't go away. Ever.

This is precisely why I have nothing to say about the Oscars. I am not, nor will I ever be that kind of person.............Ok, I do have one thing to say. But that's it. I promise. I just saw the opening number with Neil Patrick Harris. I couldn't help notice a few similarities between the NPH performance and a certain classic movie scene. See if you feel the same way.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Text Message Movie Review -- Twilight: New Moon

While my true identification remains a secret to most of you, the one hint I can give you is I'm not a 14-year old girl. This explains why I hadn't seen Twilight or Twilight: New Moon or any of the derivative sexy vampire movies or TV shows until last night. But with nothing else to do and a bootleg DVD of the box office smash (complete with Arabic subtitles), I decided to dive right in and experience the phenomenon.

As the movie began, I quickly became confused. I wondered how it's possible this movie made $700 million. I mean it's awful. So I started sending text messages to the friend who let me borrow the movie. Later, I realized that what I'd done was written an unintentional review. So, if you haven't seen New Moon, or want to know what I think of it, here it goes...

9:39 pm - Twilight: New Moon is cinematic garbage. Dreadful really.

9:41 pm -- I'm not even sure there's a script. I think they just made the whole thing up.

9:46 pm -- There's not yet a plot. And I've watched 20 minutes of it.

9:48 pm -- I'm not sure why he's (Edward) dumping her (Bella). I honestly don't know what prompted it.

9:49 pm -- And the music is frighteningly melodramatic. To the point of being embarrassing.

9:51 pm -- Why are they always in the forest? Are there no streets or sidewalks in this town?

9:53 pm -- This movie feels like what I imagine an After School Special in Germany might be.

10:14 pm -- It feels like I'm watching a bunch of dailies cobbled together in no particular order. And that any scene could be switched around with little consequence to the story.

10:26 pm -- And the winner for worst CGI/special effects is...Twilight: New Moon. [Ed. Note: This was during the first appearance of the coyotes, which looked like a feral version of the cast of the Country Bear Jamboree.]

10:32 pm -- The logical progression for Bella's love life: Vampire, over sized wolf, secret parakeet.

10:40 pm -- Quote of the movie "You're not the first monsters I've met." (Soon replaced by "Jacob's kind of a werewolf.")

10:50 pm -- It seems to have a pro-suicide and pro-abstinence message. I'm so confused.

11:10 pm -- When did vampires start dressing like mimes?

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Is Nikki Finke the Jeff Zucker of Entertaiment Bloggerism?

[Ed. Note: In the spirit of fair play and honesty, I will admit that the following posting was my mistake. Turns out Fleming gets a full posting if you visit Deadline-New York. Thank you to the astute reader who pointed that out. Now the question is why does the domestic entertainment market need two separate sections? But whatever. It was fun to write when I thought it to be true. And Mike, if you want to write for my site, the offer still stands.]

Looks like Deadline Hollywood's new hire, former Variety reporter Mike Fleming, is getting the Conan O'Brien treatment from his new employer.

As you'll see below, Darling Nikki isn't giving the long-time journalist a chance to strut his stuff and develop a following. On the home page, Mr. Fleming is only allowed a bland headline and link to his story. Not a whiff of front page copy. Not even a teaser. Nada. Nikki, however, continues to litter the site's main page with copied-and-pasted press releases and the equally important news about her taking a personal day.

Someone's burying the lede...

There's news. And then there's NEWS.

(Pssst. Mike. Over here. It's me. Temp X. If you want have people actually see your stuff, let me know. I think we can work something out.)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

"My life in Hollywood sucks" - March Calendar

I forgot to post the March calendar in a timely fashion. Please forgive me.

Think your life in Hollywood might suck more than others? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.

March 2010

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Jerry Seinfeld probably hates you

A few months back, I put an open call for Temp Diaries correspondents. This was not simply an effort to avoid writing an entry for that day. Not at all. It's a chance for strangers I'll never meet to bitch about bits of industry idiocy I might have missed.

So I felt like I hit the lottery today when one of my loyal fans sent me an IM saying I needed to re-open the Bennies because
The Marriage Ref is a "staggeringly ill-conceived and borderline retarded in its execution." It was at that moment I knew my first correspondent. His name -- Shemp X. Here's his review of the latest offering from NBC:

If anyone missed the estimated seven billion commercials that aired during the Winter Olympics the last two weeks, Jerry Seinfeld's The Marriage Ref debuted after the closing ceremonies Sunday night. This show proves that Jay Leno at 10 p.m. is not the worst decision NBC has made in recent memory.

Here's how it works. Jerry and two celebrities (Alec Baldwin and Kelly Ripa in the 30-minute pilot) watch video of couples having an argument in which one of them is obviously wrong. The celebs comment on it, theoretically cracking wise and throw around zingers. The studio audience then proceeds to cackle with obligation. (Or perhaps they were simply watching YouTube footage of that baby panda sneezing?)

Anyhoo, the titular “Marriage Ref,” an unknown square-headed comedian Tom Papa, renders his verdict on who is the bigger doofus. Somewhere during this mess, one of the NBC News models reporters offers meaningless stats on how many people stuff dead pets or take stripper aerobics -- presumably things that might dissolve a marriage. The show closes with Marv Albert highlighting his favorite quotes from the night in a vaguely SportsCenter-esque moment.

Yes, you heard that all correctly. America last night received marital advice from Alec Baldwin (whose divorce from Kim Bassinger makes the Hatfields/McCoys rivalry look like a church banquet) and Marv Albert -- who once plead guilty to assault and battery, bit a woman and was up on forcible sodomy charges. Makes sense, right? Perhaps the better question is, do we really need celebrities making fun of regular people? So much to answer, so little interest in doing so.

And now for the really bad of Thursday, The Marriage Ref expands to an hour.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Celebs: They're just like us -- only better looking and dumber

Doing press interviews for a movie looks hellaciously dull. The studio publicist sticks you in a room, plants you in front of a camera (or speaker phone), shoves an earpiece in your ear and then makes you answer the same inane questions from KDKA, WTMJ, KGUN* and countless other stations. But if you want to make the big bucks and be a movie star, you gotta do it. It's called marketing. It puts butts in the seats and pays your salary.

Sadly, not every celebrity grasps this extremely simple concept. Our most recent offender is soon-to-be Hollywood nobody, and current star of the movie Leap Year, Matthew Goode. While doing an interview with a British paper, he said the following of his film...
"It's turgid. I just know that there are a lot of people who will say it is the worst film of 2010...(The location) was the main reason I took it, so that I could come home at the weekends. It wasn't because of the script, trust me...Do I feel I let myself down? No. Was it a bad job? Yes, it was. But, you know, I had a nice time and I got paid."

Yep. He just crapped all over his own movie. Not smart. Not at all.

In related news, I really wonder if Mr. Goode meant to say "putrid" (adj. of very low quality; rotten) or "wretched" (adj. poor, sorry, or pitiful; worthless) rather than "turgid" (adj. inflated, overblown, or pompous; bombastic). Is it possible he can't even poo-poo his own movie properly? We've already established he's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

*Yes, I too am alarmed that there's a station with the call letters KGUN.