Hello and welcome to the 2009 Bennie Awards -- the first award show recognizing the worst in television. My name is Billy Crystal. You might remember me from...hey, I haven't done anything of note since Analyze That. And that was in 2002! Someone get me Jimmy Darmody at CAA.
Wait. I'm being told by the producers I have to wait until after the show to yell at my "agent." Let's speed this along then. You might know our first presenters from the upcoming Fox comedy The Vamp X and Donnie Show and the failed adaption of Youth in Revolt -- Vamp X and Michael Cera.
Hey Michael, now that Vampires are all rage, I've got more opportunities than I can handle. Kinda like you were before Year One tanked.
Just read the card Toothie.
The nominees for Worst Reality/Non-Scripted Personality (Female) are: Daisy for Daisy of Love, Heidi Montag for The Hills, Jillian Michaels for The Biggest Loser, Kim Kardashian for Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Snooki for Jersey Shore.
And the Golden Trashcan goes to...Snooki from Jersey Shore!
I just want to thank like fucking everybody from Jersey, my like Juice Head roommates, all you sluts and like everyone at MTV. Fuck yeah! Jersey bitches! Oh, and to that guy who punched me, I hope you're getting it in the ass right now. Ok! Time for Jägerbombs!
Thank you Snooki. I have a second cousin named Snooki. Snooki Schwartzbaum. Equally classy lady. She's at Rikers serving 25-to-life.
Our next presenter has repeatedly attempted to start a revolution among Hollywood's underclass and is the host of the Joblist -- Che Equis.
Gracias. Escupo en usted perros capitalistas americanos. Y los candidatos para el peor Star de Realidad (Varón) es: Jay Leno para The Jay Leno Show, Jimmy Kimmel para The Jimmy Kimmel Show, Jon Gosselin para Jon y Kate más ocho, Mike "El Situation" para el Shore de Nueva Jersey y Spencer Pratt para Los Hills.
¡Y el ganador del Trashcan de oro es… Jay Leno! El aceptar para Jay Leno es el líder anterior de la venda Tonight Show y Jay Leno Show que ahora es "fruncir otras oportunidades, " Kevin Eubanks.
Jay, I always hated you. Every laugh, every chortle, chuckle or giggle I ever made represented my wanting to stab you with a pitchfork. Branford Marsalis was the smart one. I was the fool. I only wish you pain and misery for the rest of your natural life. And I used to spit in your coffee.
And I always thought Kev was a non-threatening black man like Will Smith, Urkel or Queen Latifah. Well, this is a perfect transition to my favorite part of the evening -- the musical number. No award show is complete without me -- Billy Crystal -- honoring the biggest entertainment story of the year. So, while my SAG card is still valid...
I've still got it! I bet the Oscar producers are wondering why they went with Martin and Baldwin instead of yours truly. Well, there's always next year. Now to wrap up Day One of the Bennies, I'm please to bring out the stars of Point/Counter Point -- Dog X and Sophie.
Hey Sophie, I've got a joke for you. How many executive producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know Dog X. How many?
Executive producers don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs. Wait, wait. I got one more. How many development executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know. Please. Enlighten me.
Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.
And with that, the nominees for Worst Reality/Non-Scripted Show are: The Jay Leno Show, The Hills, Jersey Shore, Playboy TV's Sam's Game and The Biggest Loser.
The Golden Trashcan goes to...damn if I only had opposable thumbs this would go a lot quicker...The Jay Leno Show! Accepting the award for The Jay Leno Show is NBC-Universal President and CEO Jeff Zucker!
As we at NBC have said before, Mr. Leno performed as expected. This performance was all part my desire to be a more profitable No. 2 or 3 than a less-profitable No. 1. And I'm sure with new shows like The Marriage Ref, Minute To Win It and Who Do You Think You Are? we will continue to perform as expected. Now if there was only a way to get back that $40 million from that nogoodnik Conan.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2 OF THE BENNIES. TOMORROW WE'LL HONOR THE WORST IN SCRIPTED TELEVISION