Thursday, January 28, 2010

An Open Letter to the Cast of Jersey Shore

Dear Jolie, J-Woww, Sweetheart, The Situation, DJ Pauly D, Ronnie, Vinnie and Snooki:

You don't know me, nor will we ever meet. I've only see two episodes of your show. Honestly I don't see what all the hubbub is about. Jersey Shore is hardly different than The Real World. But MTVs marketing machine put it into overdrive and now you're bona fide semi-celebrities.

TMZ and similar news-ish sites are reporting that MTV is threatening to boot you all off the show if you don't accept their offer of $10k per episode. Here's my advice...


Why do I say that? Because MTV is trying to rip you off. I won't name names, but the aggregate of MTV's current offer ($10k x 8 = $80k) is about two-thirds of what [NAME REDACTED] got paid per episode on [SHOW NAME REDACTED, BUT BELIEVE ME IT'S VERY SIMILAR IN CONTENT]. How do I know this? I read that contract. And more ammo for your arsenal, your ratings are higher.

I encourage you to believe me.

Temp X

Guess who is among the leaders for a Bennie for Worst Reality TV Personality...

...I can't tell you, as it might influence the results. But here's a hint. Nominate your least favorites today. The deadline is February 12, 2010. (Click here)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

"My life in Hollywood sucks" - February Calendar

I recently offered the posting "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." Well, I got tons of great responses. Thank you. Keep them coming.

To show my appreciation for these and for your continued support of the Temp Diaries, I will take my favorite responses and turn them into the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." monthly calendar. Attached is February 2010.

Print it out. Post it on your desk. Tell the world you're not ashamed to admit you're at the bottom of the Hollywood Totem Pole...but you'd sure like to be promoted.
February 2010

Monday, January 25, 2010

Hollywood Dictionary: Volume 17

It's been a while since we've done the dictionary. But with my recent return to the working world, I'm re-exposed to varying bits of entertainment inanity. I can now share these with you.

Back End: Jennifer Lopez. Beyonce Knowles. Kim Kardashian. Dennis Franz. A quality rump has become such a necessity in Hollywood that plastic surgeons actually perform butt implants. If only Dr. Rey could remove certain asses like Jeff Zucker. But this has nothing to do with "back end." Premier's Former Executive Editor Peter Biskind explains back end is both “a percentage of the profits, if any, due after a film’s release” and “participation in the revenues generated by the distribution of the film." Of course movies allegedly never make money. No wonder why Winston Groom is pissed. Here's more confusing info on this term.

Overall: Oshkosh B'Gosh has not identified a new market segment -- one-legged farmers -- and invented apparel just for them. Nope. That's not even close to what an 'overall' is. Funnier? Perhaps. But the reality is an 'overall' is a deal someone signs with a studio to develop projects in exchange for irresponsibly-large sums of money, office space and a front-row parking spot.

Option: Hollywood is full of options. Movie or TV. Comedy or Drama. Unemployed or slightly less unemployed. But I digress. An option is the right to purchase a property (e.g. a script, book) after paying the owner a certain holding fee. For example, a highly-intelligent producer might say, "The Temp Diaries could be a great TV series. It's funny, insightful and has great opportunities for product placements. I'd like to pay you a $1 million to option rights to your blog for one year. During that time I will attempt to sell it to HBO, Showtime or Food Network. If I find a buyer, I'll take the whole thing off your hands for $1 billion. If I can't find a buyer, you get to keep the million anyway." [Note: Figures may not reflect current market rate.]

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Before Nikki Finke sues me

Apparently Darling Nikki has applied to trademark her periodically-errant term "TOLDJA." I wonder if she'll have a problem with conservative blogger Sister Toldjah, who has been around since 1992? Or Sister Toldja -- blogger and periodic NPR commentator --who has been around since 2006.

Nikki. Honestly, have your lawyers ever heard of Wikipedia? It's all there. Use some of your $14 million, hire a decent attorney and stop making a fool of yourself. You're making Hollywood look bad.

But in the event she achieves success, I just wanted to get it out of my system...
Golly I hope she doesn't win.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Double Hulu -- FAIL!

My sister and I are both fans of Conan and Fail Blog. Who knew that these worlds would combine not once, but twice, in 24 hours? Leave it to 27 percent NBC-owned Hulu to muff it up as you'll see in the following screen captures...

[Tip to Hulu: Team CoCo doesn't play well with Team Chin.]
...and, taken 1/23/10 @ 7:55 a.m. (the day after the conclusion of the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien) comes this pleasant, yet highly inaccurate reminder.

NBC...More Stupider.®

Friday, January 22, 2010

NBC's programming threatens mankind

Temps know nothing. How do I know this? I've been told this countless times. So clearly when I originally wrote this on December 9, 2008 I was just demonstrating my naivete about show business. Or perhaps I was exceedingly drunk. Turns out NBC didn't really want to destroy the world after all. Just their network. Mission: Accomplished! [Tip to Jeff Zucker: Read my blog. I'm not as dumb as I look.]

Maybe I'm paranoid. Perhaps I've seen too many Roger Corman movies. But I have a sneaking suspicion NBC is run by aliens intent on destroying the world.

I'm sure you're thinking, "Has Temp X sniffed too many toner cartridges?" or "Did a flying stapler finally collide with our hero's noggin?"

Nope. This is real. I'm sure of it.

How do I know this? NBC announced yesterday they will move Jay Leno's show (which will still be filmed in he Tonight Show studio, will likely use much of the Tonight Show staff but will not be called the Tonight Show) to 10 p.m. Monday - Friday.

Alright, now you're thinking, "But programming decisions that front run your own shows doesn't mean NBC is run by aliens. It just means they're morons."

That's just what they want you to think. Think of it as an intergalactic Rope-a-Dope. Here's why.

A pinch more than a year ago, NBC expanded the Today show so that the gabfest runs from 7 a.m. - 11 a.m. And when you factor in NBC's Early Today at 4:30 a.m., two hours of Today in LA (or whatever city you live in) and the Today show -- you've got 6.5 hours of Today-ish programming.

Then add in NBC's 3.5 hours of late night programming - The Tonight Show, Late Night with Conan O'Brien (which is repeated 3:30 a.m.) and Last Call with Carson Daly and you already have 10 hours of Today- and Tonight-related programs.

With yesterday's decision to put Leno at 10 p.m. and plugging in the Jimmy Fallon "show," NBC is cleverly backing their late night programming into their morning programming. This will result in a complete elimination of mid-day (where they lose to ABC) and prime-time (where they lose to CBS).

But it gets worse. At this rate, NBC's morning and late-night fare will ultimately overlap, creating a region of space in which the gravitational field is so powerful that nothing, not even electromagnetic radiation, can escape its pull after having fallen past its event horizon. Yep. NBC will have created a Black Hole.

No don't try to sway me otherwise. I saw Back to the Future. I know about the spacetime continuum. I watch Lost religiously and saw the island disappear.

Maybe the Mayans were right. We're screwed.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The end of an error

There's been a lot of talk in recent days about failures in late night programming. I've also heard it's a surefire way to build up web traffic. So as Jay's and Conan's shows enter the graveyard short-lived late night programs, I just thought I'd let them know they're not alone. Here's a little tribute to their Nielsen-challenged brethren :

The Chevy Chase Show (guest Goldie Hawn)
September 7, 1993 – October 1, 1993

The Late Show Starring Joan Rivers (guest Pee Wee Herman)
October 6, 1986 – October 28, 1988

The Pat Sajak Show (guest Werner Klemperer)
January 9, 1989 - April 13, 1990

and, the one you've all been waiting for...

The Magic Hour (guest Howard Stern)
June 8 – September 4, 1998

Conan, we at the Temp Diaries wish you and your staff the best of luck. You deserve better and I hope you find it (and hire me, perhaps?). Jay, you can piss off.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

It's not stealing, it's just supplementing your paltry income at someone else's expense

Now that I'm a big time assistant, I can look down my nose at you temps (notice the lower case). It doesn't matter that you likely still make more than me, I'm the one with the title. I also have the über-cool email with the format boss's and 11-hour work days. Jealous much?

I kid of course. I'll never forget where I've come from -- mostly because one week as a beaten-down assistant isn't enough to undo four years of being a beaten-down Temp (notice capital "T" when referring to myself). We Temps need to stick together and share life lessons. Thus I'd like to impart a bit of temping wisdom -- take things from your Employer du Jour.

Now I'm not suggesting grand larceny. And stealing your boss's BMW 7-series is certainly a "No-No." But there are things you can take to improve the quality of your life and save you a couple of bucks. Following is a list of some of my favorites. Feel free to list what you like to pilfer in the comment section.
Printer paper: A must for any writer. Your average ream of paper costs about $5 at Office Depot. And by the time you've hit the 7th draft of your movie script, this can get expensive. Grab 100 pages of blank paper, stick 'em in your bag. No one will notice or care.

Pens: Another must. The best way to gauge the success of a company is how good their pens are. CAA uses great my very favorite Pilot® Precise™ V7 Liquid Ink Rollerball Pens. I've probably taken 20 during my stints there. I recommend you do the same because they ain't cheap. [Tip: Take both blue and red ones.]

Food: Instant oatmeal packages, bags of chips, candy bars are all there for the taking. People assume you're gonna consume them at work. So does it matter that you take them home and combine them for a nice dinner? Nope. Bon Appétit.

Magazines: This is more for fun than anything else. You'll never learn anything from Entertainment Weekly, Us or People. But it'll give you something to do when you're on the toilet. Plus the crosswords are easier than your average 2nd grade spelling test.

Promotional CDs and DVDs: These aren't always the easiest to find. But if you should get a gig working in the music department of home video, there's a treasure trove of those shiny discs for the taking. I highly recommend the new Green Day album as well as The Best of Crank Yankers. [Tip: Catwoman is not worth taking. Trust me.]

Scripts: Every new project in Hollywood is a cheap imitation of something that came out just a few years ago. Raid the script library. Then do a global "search and replace" on the characters' names, their city and occupations. There you have it. It worked for Family Guy, so it should work for you too.

and finally...

Your Boss's MS Outlook Contact List: Just export the data and a CSV (fancy terms for an Excel spreadsheet) and email it to yourself. It's that simple. It doesn't come in handy a lot, but when it does, it's nice. I also recommend writing down the log-in info for Studio Systems or IMdB Pro. This is great to have.

Good luck. But if you get caught, don't ask me to bail you out of jail. Conjugal visit, sure. Bail money -- no way.

[I couldn't decide which video to add. So I did both. Music in the early 1990s was so darn good.]

janes addiction been caught stealing

Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Golden Blogs

While celebs of all skinny shapes and sizes (C- or D-cup) get together to congratulate themselves on a job well done, the rest of us are left to stare longingly. They dine on fine foods and don frighteningly tight outfits while we enjoy canned tuna and wear pj pants. And they drink the finest champagne while we drink the Champagne of Beers.

The rest of this posting will be dedicated to me getting progressively drunk while blogging about the Golden Globes. Hopefully I don't say anything too regrettable. Or if I do, at least that it ends up on Page 6.

And now. For Beer #1...
  • Pregame show with Julie Moran on Just learned there's a difference between Glenn Close and Meryl Streep.
  • Oh God. There are special Facebook correspondents. Proving they're well-qualified journalists, they just used the term "Chillaxing."
  • "How is it on the red carpet in the rain," Julie asks the chick with the big boobs from Mad Men. That's even dumber than "What are you wearing tonight?"
  • The obligatory gay fashion critic isn't sure what he thinks of Drew Barrymore's "sea urchin"-inspired oufit. I'm pretty sure it's hideous.
  • I also have the Jets-Chargers game going on right now and there was a nasty headbut. Or is it headbutt?
  • Jets just scored. It appears that the guy who owns the coffee shop I go to is going to make $500 on his 5-way parlay. Congrats. Give me 10 percent and I won't tell anyone about your little gambling ring.
  • Thinking of checking out Nikki Finke's live blog, but I'll save that until Beer #4. Then I can be a real jerk.
  • Looking for my friend who is working as a PA at the Golden Globes. I assume she's molesting/kidnapping John Krasinski.
  • Nice tackle in the Jets-Chargers game. Uh oh. Looks like it was a little too good as Mike Tolbert is still down and it went to commercial.
  • Julie Moran needs to talk into the mic when she's interviewing Bill Paxton.
  • Tracy Morgan is on now. For a guy who's supposed to stay sober, he seems drunk. Or perhaps that's me.
  • What is it about Amy Pohler that makes me want to drink heavily?
  • Just found out that the award show is gonna run live on the West Coast. I should be good and loaded by about 6:30. And on that note...
Beer #2
  • They're showing people crying after winning Golden Globes. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't cry if I won one of them. Also, I don't think the Golden Globe is actually gold.
  • Chargers just missed another field goal. Nate Kaeding is gonna get fired tomorrow.
  • "You survive the rain better than anybody," Julie Moran to Felicity Huffman.
  • Bill Macy seems super boring. Maybe he's a nice guy, but boring as can be. And yes, I just called him "Bill."
  • Vincent Jackson just kicked the challenge flag. I think that's an NFL first.
  • Chargers score. As you can tell, I'm bored with the Red Carpet silliness. I want to see award show silliness.
  • Wait. Those aren't Kate Hudson's boobs. Oh. I see what's going on. Her dress has wings. Dreadful.
  • Oh crap. It's James Cameron. I'll be honest. I was hoping Avatar failed miserably. He just seems like a monumental turd. And I'd say that whether I was buzzed or not.
  • "I saw old Hollywood tonight. I saw the glamor. I saw the gowns." Julie, people say that every year. I'm thinking of sucking down the Jim Beam that's in my freezer right now because I'm clearly not drunk enough yet.
  • Jets 4th & 1. Up by 3. 1:09 to play. Do they go for it? Pending. Time out. Shit. Jets are gonna win. Time to change to the awards.
  • Just saw Billy Bush. He's wearing a ton of make up.
  • Oh red-ribbons galore. Why don't they just make tuxedos with them already installed?
  • First penis joke. Thanks Ricky. "You could see a little of a Hollywood celebrity and you feel better." Strangely no one laughed at that.
  • Dare I say it, but I think Nicole Kidman's nipples are poking through her dress. The first time she's looked good in years. Oh shit. Here's the waterworks. Mo'nique is bawling like an idiot. "Brilliant," "fearless" and "amazing." Words that never should be used to describe anyone in entertainment.
  • Hey, it's the better looking version of Penelope Cruz/Catherine Zeta-Jones -- that chick from Modern Family...Toni Collete wins for a show that no one watches. Hey, she just said "balls." And it wasn't edited out. NBC will do anything for ratings.
And now for Beer #3
  • Hey, it's my old next door neighbor, Jim Parsons. He cleans up alright. That said, he was pretty pissed he didn't get invited to the GGs last year. How do I know this? He told me.
  • How is it that Paul McCartney gets a super duper rainbow ribbon, while everyone else gets crappy red-only ribbons?
  • A decent acceptance speech by the guy from Up. Uh oh. They're playing him off. Figures.
  • Just realized I should make comments about the commercials. But none have offered anything worth while.
  • Kate Hudson's dress looks better from the front. Perhaps it's beer goggles. It looks like she got trapped in a table cloth.
  • Felicity Huffman is starting to look like Joan Rivers. And she's probably pretty drunk...or illiterate.
  • Oh, right. Name one reporter from the Hollywood Foreign Press. I dare you.
  • Anthony Michael Hall just won for Dexter. How awesome is that?! He looks totally different than when he was in Vacation.
  • Courtesy of one of my viewers -- Julianna Margulies: "Happy Birthday to my child, who's not as important as my being at an awards show to get further worshipped for my vain and shallow pursuits"
  • Oooh. A commercial I can comment about. I know that Brendan Fraiser's hair looks nothing like that. In fact, he has very little of it. How do I know? I saw the screen tests.
  • Harrison Ford replaces Bill Macy as the dullard of the evening.
  • The "Cinema Italino" scene from Nine looks eerily like the "Jailhouse Rock" scene from Jailhouse Rock.
Good news. Beer #4
  • Ugh. At some point during this beer I have to look at Nikki Finke's site. Not drunk enough for that. But a promise is a promise.
  • Mini-series and made-for-TV movies? I didn't know those existed any more?! This is probably the part where most people go to the bathroom. Yep. A lot of milling around in the back seems to validate my theory. Play her off quickly please! Please! Thank God. They don't leave and don't care.
  • Ok. I tried reading Nikki and it was really boring. Something about Paul McCartney smoking pot and...oh like anyone cares.
  • Julia Child should shut up. Can't they play her off? Yeah. She's lit. Maybe I'm getting there. too. It's strange because 3 1/2 beers isn't much and I had a late lunch. But I guess I can't hold my liquor as well as I used to.
  • I call Bullshit. In a promo for Celebrity Apprentice, Sinbad says "I'm one of the most successful comedians of all times." He wouldn't know a good joke if it hit him in the head.
  • Oh boy. Drew Barrymore. Go away. And that does look like a sea urchin on your shoulder. I didn't see whatever movie it was that you were in, but I'm pretty sure I won't now. Dog X is standing by the door as it's potty time. I wonder if it's a coincidence.
And now...Beer #5
  • Jennifer Aniston continues to seek validation. This time, with a Mr. & Mrs. Smith-inspired dress cut up to her...who knows what? Oh, I know. Her groin.
  • Jason Reitman is a monumental kiss ass. My friend just called, completely agreed, said it was "cringe worthy and I just turned away."
  • My friend just said Maggie Gyllenhal looks "like a frog." We're now debating whether she would know whether she would know what's on the other side of Hispaniola.
  • Ernst and Young sponsors briefcases. Business sucks these days.
  • Samuel Jackson is wearing his Mr. Peabody glasses and Raquel Welch needs to buy contact lenses.
  • We're up to the foreign language portion of the awards. No wonder I'm not paying attention.
  • Mad Men wins. Big surprise. zzz. My friend just called the chick with the big boobs "marshmallowy." Seems like a decent adjective.
  • Halle Berry = Pee Break
  • Uh oh. I just realized I opened the next beer while I still had part of one to finish. Gotta take care of that...Done.
Beer #6. Time to check back on Nikki to see what she has to say.
  • Robert De Niro isn't funny. Good actor. Not funny. Same thing applies to DiCaprio -- except for the good actor part. And why won't some one admit that Gangs of New York sucked? I love Goodfellas. But Gangs of New York was a terrible film.
  • Acceptance speech = pee break.
  • Oh super. It's Mel Gibson. How fun would it be if he again says, "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."
  • My friend (a female) made out with Jodie Foster once. How do I know this? She told me. I'm just sharing that.
  • Just realized I have less than an hour to go and half a 12-pack. Not sure what's gonna happen. But I'll do my darndest.
  • Oh, pisser. James Cameron and his ego both won. He also is looking a little bit like Paul McCartney. Or is that the beer goggles talking?
  • I haven't seen Avatar, nor will I, but apparently James Cameron just thanked himself in the made up language from the movie. Was Klingon unavailable?
  • Ok. I tried reading Nikki again. It's as boring and pointless as I remember from two beers ago.
  • Woah! Reese Witherspoon looks great. Sure her chin is a little pointy, but she looks great. I think it's her hair. Oh, and the Hangover wasn't that great. There's I said it. And where's the fat, bearded dude?
  • I just realized I have fewer "postings per beer." Wondering if that means I have a) less to say b) drinking faster c) peeing more often.
It's that time again. Time for Beer #7
  • The first Kevin Huvane/CAA reference of the evening courtesy of Sandra Bullock. Is it any coincidence I was on the toilet when that happened? I think not.
  • If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Jeff Bridges is sporting a mullet. And a really mediocre speech maker. There's the second CAA reference of the evening. Is that what made it mediocre? No. But it contributed to it. Perhaps a white Russian would have helped. My friend thinks that Jeff Bridges is "wasted." My frame of reference is a bit shot, so I'll assume he's right.
  • Mercifully, the Golden Globes is almost over. I'm fantastically buzzed at this point. Luckily, I won't need a cab to take me over to my couch. I've had 6 1/2 beers and...crap...Avatar won. Nee How Mah. Or whatever he's about to say. Is anyone gonna thank Huvane again? What about Ari Emanuel? So far Cameron hasn't come off as a jerk. Oh, he just did. "We have the best job in the world." Why does that not surprise me?
Thanks for everyone who listened to me get drunk. I've gotta pee again.

P.S. Leave it to NBC. They're running it again on the West Coast. What a bunch of morons!
P.P.S. Turns out Nikki is drunker than I am. Sandy Bullock won for The Blind Side not The Proposal. But who needs facts when you've got $14 million.


Saturday, January 16, 2010

Networks Unclear of the Concept

I don't stay up late. I'm usually asleep or drunk by 9:30 p.m. Anything that happens after Act 2 of CSI:(Insert city here) -- well I never see it. I just assume the bad guy 'fesses up while ignoring his Miranda Rights. Because that's how the criminal justice system works. This also means I'm not awake to watch all the Conan-Leno squabbling, and I just end up watching it on Hulu the next morning.

While watching a recent clip from Conan's Tonight Show, I noticed they ran a promo for the show that looked a lot like this...

This just struck me as odd because NBC has a 27 percent ownership stake in Hulu. Yes, that's the same NBC that's giving Conan the heave-ho. So promote a show that you're throwing off the air and paying the host $30 million to leave? Or a better question is, "Should we be surprised that NBC continues to act like idiots?"

Friday, January 15, 2010

The warning signs were there Conan...

Who could forget this moment from the only airing of Rosie Live? Oh, Rosie Live drew a 1.2 in Adults 18-49. It's likely that no one saw this.

$30 million will buy a lot of pies now, eh?

SCOOPEDJA: Nikki Finke breaks frequently-cited, 25-year old news, remembers 2/3rds of the way through that she read it elsewhere

Re-blogger/quasi-journalist Nikki Finke is at it again. The Penn Foster Career School drop out yesterday broke Reagan administration-era news that Jeff Zucker had Conan O'Brien arrested for thieving a shipment of the Harvard Crimson. This is news to anyone who hasn't read Vanity Fair on January 13, 2010

Or BusinessWeek in 2004

Keep up the good work Nikki. Did you know there was a moon landing? You might want to get right on that news.

You stay classy Mr. Pimp

My former Temp Pimp called me yesterday. Turns out I did such a good job with data entry at the concrete dungeon that they wanted me back. Given my new employment status, obviously I was unable to accept the position. Here's how that conversation went.

"[Studio name and division redacted] wants you back. Are you available?" he said with an expectant voice.

"I got a job," I said, stumbling to speak the phrase I'd long rehearsed but never used.

Perplexed, my ex-Pimp wondered when that assignment would end.

"No I mean a full-time job," I explained. Hopefully this would clear up any miscommunication.

My ex-Pimp expressed congratulations mixed with a tinge of selfishness.

"Good for you. Bad for us," he said.

I was willing to let that comment go. I mean I was the best Temp in the history of Temps. So I suppose that's a compliment when he says "Bad for us." But then he closed with a line that's somewhere between insulting, fatalistic and embarrassing.

"Call me if anything changes," he concluded.

I won't.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Rally for Conan at NBC/Jeff Zucker's an Idiot Tailgate

One of my Facebook "friends" just sent me this. I have no idea whether it's gonna be a big deal or not. But if you have nothing better to do next Monday, you love Conan O'Brien and you think Jeff Zucker is an idiot, this might just be for you.

Here's the details...

Date:Monday, January 18, 2010
Time:12:00pm - 4:00pm
Location:Gate 2 @ 100 Universal Plaza Dr, Universal City, CA

They also have a Facebook page


It's time to show NBC what's up. We will be rallying in front of Conan's studio at the Universal lot, to show support for our beloved Coco.

The artist, Mike Mitchell will be in attendance and will be bringing posters/signs banners and shirts to hand out to help support the cause.

This will be getting nationwide media attention, so be there to help show Coco you love him!

Please RSVP to let us know what to expect, and please check to get completely horrible directions on how to get there. We will be meeting at Gate 2 though, not 3.

Are you REALLY with Coco?


Please forgive the erratic publishing schedule

I should be back to normal next week. The new gig is time consuming right now.

This Sunday I look forward to posting my first annual, Drink and Blog-along with the Golden Globes. So stay tuned for that fun.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Temp X has a job! Yes, a real job.

The last time I had a full-time job, George Bush was president, Joey graced the analog airwaves and I had a lot more money to my name. But all that changed with one fateful phone call last Friday.

I was Temping in a concrete corporate dungeon when my voicemail "binged." (I couldn't get a signal at my cubicle. Natch.). So I called the folks back from the landline and they said they had good news. Everything after that was a blur/haze of Himalayan cuisine and discounted vodka. My long national nightmare was now over. I had a job. A low paying job, but a job.

From this point forward I will be working at [Company name redacted] as an assistant to [Executive name redacted].

This isn't just a shock to the system for me, but I'm sure it's also one for you the viewer. You probably have a lot of questions about what this means for our relationship. I was your partner is misery. A confidant. A virtual shoulder to cry on. Fear not. The bond that we have remains unchanged. I (Hollywood) Love You.

The following should answer any questions you might have about the Temp Diaries. If you have any other questions, email me at

Did you really get a full-time job?
Yes. I know. I'm as surprised as you are. I figured I was destined to have to forge supervisor signatures for the rest of my days.

Will you make fun of your current employer?
Only after I quit/get fired. Until then, I'm sure I'll have little difficulty finding inanity in Hollywood. Plus, some of my co-workers were aware of my secret identity (some secret, eh?).

What does this mean for the Temp Diaries?
The Temp Diaries will actually be moving to 11:35 p.m. on NBC. Or at least that's what Jeff Zucker told me. If that doesn't work out, I guess I'll stay here and continue to write about life in Hollywood's underclass. But I must warn you, if/when I start making big time cash (read more than $12/hr), I'm stopping this blog immediately.

Will you change your name now that you're no longer a Temp?
Yes. I'm thinking of changing it to something catchier like Brad Pitt or Gidamis Shahanga. Chicks love guys with cool names, and these are about the coolest names there are. But this won't be for a few more months as these are expensive procedures. In the interim I'll stay with Temp X.

How did your Pimp react?
Like any smart Ho, you don't tell your Pimp that you're quitting, because he'll hunt you down and drag you back. You just quit, change your number and run away.

What's the best thing about your new job?
I can save my cell phone minutes and use their phones instead. Also they had chocolate-covered pretzels from a Christmas gift basket. I say "had" because I finished them off yesterday.

What's the worst thing about your new job?
The pay. That and the commute. Did I mention the pay? Seriously, I made more Temping and I almost made more on unemployment.

What's your secret to getting a job?
Send out thousands of resumes. Interview at hundreds of places. Endure countless rejection. Suck up to everyone. Wait four years. After that you've got at least a 20 percent chance of getting a job in Hollywood.

Any words of inspiration you can offer an aspiring Hollywooder?

Every "No" hurts, but that one "Yes" feels great.

Did you really get a full-time job? Still yes. But like anything in Hollywood, success can be fleeting.

Friday, January 8, 2010

My slightly less major announcement...


Yes, for the first time in months, I had work. I'd forgotten the rush that happens when my Pimp calls me saying I'm gonna make $12/hour. The feeling of purpose as I shave for only the second time all year. It's like the first day of Spring. A moment when everything is possible. I feel like Mary Tyler Moore (don't forget, I'm old).

As I unwrinkle my only pair of clean pants, I think about how today I could impress a big-time Hollywood executive. I could wow them with my hard work, intellect and determination. Before you know it, I'll have a full-time job, benefits and be well on my way to achieving entertainment industry success.

And then, the data entry begins and the dream dies.

I'd forgotten the down side of Temping. I'd been out of the game too long and romanticized it. I'd forgotten that employers view Temps not as people with college degrees, work experience and intellectual fire power but simply as Grade-C meat. We are place holders. We are there to do the busy work the normal assistant has been putting off for months. We are your data-entry jockeys. Your filers. Your errand runners.

I suppose the thing that bothers me most about Temping isn't the work, but the surprise and praise the employer heaps upon you when you complete the most simple tasks.

While key-padding away yesterday, I noticed the figures didn't add up. I won't get into the tedious details, but I brought it to the attention to my supervisor. She looked up at me, smiled and said, "GREAT JOB CATCHING THAT!" Reflexively (meaning #4) I responded, "I took Calculus. So adding up to $930.11 was no big deal."

And that's what life is like as a Temp. Everyone is surprised you're not some knuckle-scraping, drooling fool whose most articulate sentence is "Me talk pretty one day" (and not in reference to David Sedaris).

I can't wait to go back.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

When nothing happens to a Temp...

I gotta be honest with you guys, I've got nothing today. I haven't had work in months. My meals are either oatmeal, nachos or canned tuna. My most extravagant expense is a bottle of vodka that I'm emptying faster than I'd like. I have piles of dirty laundry building up in my living room because I'm too lazy to throw them into my laundry basket. The only thing I have to look forward to is unemployment checks and college football. And the days for both of those are numbered. I had a dream last night I had a Temp gig. Nothing exciting happened. I just had work. This comes just days after another dream I had where I was cleaning the bathroom. It's gotten so bad that I've been watching Gossip Girl because Ed Westwick's shameless efforts to act like a young Marlon Brando make me laugh. I don't shower until after the noon news. I clean my dog's ears because they need it. I think about going to the gym, but I don't. I have a packet of mayonnaise that's been sitting on my kitchen table for a month. This is particularly crazy because I hate mayonnaise. I considered watching Leno last night. Yes. It's gotten that bad.

Luckily, there are always clips of Mystery Science Theater 3000 to fill the time between when Dog X wakes me up and mental fatigue kicks in.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Stupid Interview Questions -- Two cans and a string edition

I'm older than most of you. In Hollywood, this is a distinct disadvantage as entertainment execs are not fond of people whose body parts show the effects of gravity. But every once in a while, I can use it to impress. During my infrequent job interviews, I can reference to a show like Hardcastle and McCormick or ALF Tales (not the same as ALF) and demonstrate my knowledge of TV predates Gossip Girl.

One other advantage to exceeding the age limit of a Jersey Shore housemate is my computing knowledge is vast. For those of you who haven't even heard of 5 1/4" disk drive, I used to use them. I also remember 8" disks and my friend's brother had a cassette drive (connected to his TRASH-80).

This all brings us to the first Stupid Interview Question of the decade, which is courtesy of one of my loyal readers...

Do you know how to use email?

Email has been around in some capacity since 1961. According to the Pew Research Center, 89 percent of Americans send or read email. And more importantly, the person you're interviewing found out about and applied for the job BY EMAIL! So the answer is probably YES.

I, of course, am so old I can remember going to email terminals. But that's a conversation for your history class.

If you have a stupid interview question to share, please send it to or put it in the "Have I Got News" box to the left. All submissions will remain anonymous.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Year One

It's been a year since I named myself King of Hollywood. For those of you who don't remember or are new to this blog, I led a bloodless coup filling the power vacuum left by the death of Johnny Grant.

During year one of my reign, I attempted to implement a series of bylaws that would govern all of Hollywood's assistants (e.g., mandatory health insurance, paid vacation, opportunities for growth) as well as recommendations on programming/film making (e.g., no more televised fat camps, remakes, hidden camera shows). Turns out my efforts to restore order to the system failed miserably. For that, I can only say I'm sorry.

Hollywood execs defied my orders while greenlighting compelling programming like I Get That A Lot, Mall Cops: Mall of the Americas and Kurosawa-inspired films like Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel and All About Steve. I guess that's why I'm an unemployed Temp and they're making millions. It could be worse. At least no one decided to remake classics like Slap Shot or East of Eden...wait...they did? Uh oh.

On the employee rights end, I blew that too. My unwanted absence from full-time employment has placed me desperately out of touch with my target audience. Luckily entertainment execs have their finger on the pulse (or is it foot on the throat?) of Hollywood's underclass. They recognize my fellow hourly cogs would prefer not worry about complicated things like doctor co-pays, employer matches or PTO. They know we prefer simple things like second-tier swag from Couples Retreat and complimentary, single-serving oatmeal.

So we start 2010 anew. Tabula Rasa. A newly shaken Etch a Sketch. 2009 is in the rear view mirror and we're full-steam ahead in a new decade. It is my goal to be a better King this year. For together we can forge a new Hollywood. One that is original and not some Vampire-based derivative. One where we don't have toil through an unpaid internship for six months before getting probationary employment. And lastly, one that sells my blog to the highest bidder! I too deserve $14 million for semi-accurate ramblings about Hollywood.

Happy New Year. Hopefully we'll all get jobs this time around.

(I've been drinking a little. In my defense, it worked for great writers like Tennessee Williams, Ernest Hemingway and Hunter S. Thompson.)

Friday, January 1, 2010

"My life in Hollywood sucks" - The calendar


I recently offered the posting "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." Well, I got tons of great responses. Thank you. Keep them coming.

To show my appreciation for these and for your continued support of the Temp Diaries, I will take my favorite responses and turn them into the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." monthly calendar. Attached is January 2010.

Print it out. Post it on your desk. Tell the world you're not ashamed to admit you're at the bottom of the Hollywood Totem Pole...but you'd sure like to be promoted.

January 2010