Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Golden Blogs

While celebs of all skinny shapes and sizes (C- or D-cup) get together to congratulate themselves on a job well done, the rest of us are left to stare longingly. They dine on fine foods and don frighteningly tight outfits while we enjoy canned tuna and wear pj pants. And they drink the finest champagne while we drink the Champagne of Beers.

The rest of this posting will be dedicated to me getting progressively drunk while blogging about the Golden Globes. Hopefully I don't say anything too regrettable. Or if I do, at least that it ends up on Page 6.

And now. For Beer #1...
  • Pregame show with Julie Moran on Just learned there's a difference between Glenn Close and Meryl Streep.
  • Oh God. There are special Facebook correspondents. Proving they're well-qualified journalists, they just used the term "Chillaxing."
  • "How is it on the red carpet in the rain," Julie asks the chick with the big boobs from Mad Men. That's even dumber than "What are you wearing tonight?"
  • The obligatory gay fashion critic isn't sure what he thinks of Drew Barrymore's "sea urchin"-inspired oufit. I'm pretty sure it's hideous.
  • I also have the Jets-Chargers game going on right now and there was a nasty headbut. Or is it headbutt?
  • Jets just scored. It appears that the guy who owns the coffee shop I go to is going to make $500 on his 5-way parlay. Congrats. Give me 10 percent and I won't tell anyone about your little gambling ring.
  • Thinking of checking out Nikki Finke's live blog, but I'll save that until Beer #4. Then I can be a real jerk.
  • Looking for my friend who is working as a PA at the Golden Globes. I assume she's molesting/kidnapping John Krasinski.
  • Nice tackle in the Jets-Chargers game. Uh oh. Looks like it was a little too good as Mike Tolbert is still down and it went to commercial.
  • Julie Moran needs to talk into the mic when she's interviewing Bill Paxton.
  • Tracy Morgan is on now. For a guy who's supposed to stay sober, he seems drunk. Or perhaps that's me.
  • What is it about Amy Pohler that makes me want to drink heavily?
  • Just found out that the award show is gonna run live on the West Coast. I should be good and loaded by about 6:30. And on that note...
Beer #2
  • They're showing people crying after winning Golden Globes. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't cry if I won one of them. Also, I don't think the Golden Globe is actually gold.
  • Chargers just missed another field goal. Nate Kaeding is gonna get fired tomorrow.
  • "You survive the rain better than anybody," Julie Moran to Felicity Huffman.
  • Bill Macy seems super boring. Maybe he's a nice guy, but boring as can be. And yes, I just called him "Bill."
  • Vincent Jackson just kicked the challenge flag. I think that's an NFL first.
  • Chargers score. As you can tell, I'm bored with the Red Carpet silliness. I want to see award show silliness.
  • Wait. Those aren't Kate Hudson's boobs. Oh. I see what's going on. Her dress has wings. Dreadful.
  • Oh crap. It's James Cameron. I'll be honest. I was hoping Avatar failed miserably. He just seems like a monumental turd. And I'd say that whether I was buzzed or not.
  • "I saw old Hollywood tonight. I saw the glamor. I saw the gowns." Julie, people say that every year. I'm thinking of sucking down the Jim Beam that's in my freezer right now because I'm clearly not drunk enough yet.
  • Jets 4th & 1. Up by 3. 1:09 to play. Do they go for it? Pending. Time out. Shit. Jets are gonna win. Time to change to the awards.
  • Just saw Billy Bush. He's wearing a ton of make up.
  • Oh red-ribbons galore. Why don't they just make tuxedos with them already installed?
  • First penis joke. Thanks Ricky. "You could see a little of a Hollywood celebrity and you feel better." Strangely no one laughed at that.
  • Dare I say it, but I think Nicole Kidman's nipples are poking through her dress. The first time she's looked good in years. Oh shit. Here's the waterworks. Mo'nique is bawling like an idiot. "Brilliant," "fearless" and "amazing." Words that never should be used to describe anyone in entertainment.
  • Hey, it's the better looking version of Penelope Cruz/Catherine Zeta-Jones -- that chick from Modern Family...Toni Collete wins for a show that no one watches. Hey, she just said "balls." And it wasn't edited out. NBC will do anything for ratings.
And now for Beer #3
  • Hey, it's my old next door neighbor, Jim Parsons. He cleans up alright. That said, he was pretty pissed he didn't get invited to the GGs last year. How do I know this? He told me.
  • How is it that Paul McCartney gets a super duper rainbow ribbon, while everyone else gets crappy red-only ribbons?
  • A decent acceptance speech by the guy from Up. Uh oh. They're playing him off. Figures.
  • Just realized I should make comments about the commercials. But none have offered anything worth while.
  • Kate Hudson's dress looks better from the front. Perhaps it's beer goggles. It looks like she got trapped in a table cloth.
  • Felicity Huffman is starting to look like Joan Rivers. And she's probably pretty drunk...or illiterate.
  • Oh, right. Name one reporter from the Hollywood Foreign Press. I dare you.
  • Anthony Michael Hall just won for Dexter. How awesome is that?! He looks totally different than when he was in Vacation.
  • Courtesy of one of my viewers -- Julianna Margulies: "Happy Birthday to my child, who's not as important as my being at an awards show to get further worshipped for my vain and shallow pursuits"
  • Oooh. A commercial I can comment about. I know that Brendan Fraiser's hair looks nothing like that. In fact, he has very little of it. How do I know? I saw the screen tests.
  • Harrison Ford replaces Bill Macy as the dullard of the evening.
  • The "Cinema Italino" scene from Nine looks eerily like the "Jailhouse Rock" scene from Jailhouse Rock.
Good news. Beer #4
  • Ugh. At some point during this beer I have to look at Nikki Finke's site. Not drunk enough for that. But a promise is a promise.
  • Mini-series and made-for-TV movies? I didn't know those existed any more?! This is probably the part where most people go to the bathroom. Yep. A lot of milling around in the back seems to validate my theory. Play her off quickly please! Please! Thank God. They don't leave and don't care.
  • Ok. I tried reading Nikki and it was really boring. Something about Paul McCartney smoking pot and...oh like anyone cares.
  • Julia Child should shut up. Can't they play her off? Yeah. She's lit. Maybe I'm getting there. too. It's strange because 3 1/2 beers isn't much and I had a late lunch. But I guess I can't hold my liquor as well as I used to.
  • I call Bullshit. In a promo for Celebrity Apprentice, Sinbad says "I'm one of the most successful comedians of all times." He wouldn't know a good joke if it hit him in the head.
  • Oh boy. Drew Barrymore. Go away. And that does look like a sea urchin on your shoulder. I didn't see whatever movie it was that you were in, but I'm pretty sure I won't now. Dog X is standing by the door as it's potty time. I wonder if it's a coincidence.
And now...Beer #5
  • Jennifer Aniston continues to seek validation. This time, with a Mr. & Mrs. Smith-inspired dress cut up to her...who knows what? Oh, I know. Her groin.
  • Jason Reitman is a monumental kiss ass. My friend just called, completely agreed, said it was "cringe worthy and I just turned away."
  • My friend just said Maggie Gyllenhal looks "like a frog." We're now debating whether she would know whether she would know what's on the other side of Hispaniola.
  • Ernst and Young sponsors briefcases. Business sucks these days.
  • Samuel Jackson is wearing his Mr. Peabody glasses and Raquel Welch needs to buy contact lenses.
  • We're up to the foreign language portion of the awards. No wonder I'm not paying attention.
  • Mad Men wins. Big surprise. zzz. My friend just called the chick with the big boobs "marshmallowy." Seems like a decent adjective.
  • Halle Berry = Pee Break
  • Uh oh. I just realized I opened the next beer while I still had part of one to finish. Gotta take care of that...Done.
Beer #6. Time to check back on Nikki to see what she has to say.
  • Robert De Niro isn't funny. Good actor. Not funny. Same thing applies to DiCaprio -- except for the good actor part. And why won't some one admit that Gangs of New York sucked? I love Goodfellas. But Gangs of New York was a terrible film.
  • Acceptance speech = pee break.
  • Oh super. It's Mel Gibson. How fun would it be if he again says, "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."
  • My friend (a female) made out with Jodie Foster once. How do I know this? She told me. I'm just sharing that.
  • Just realized I have less than an hour to go and half a 12-pack. Not sure what's gonna happen. But I'll do my darndest.
  • Oh, pisser. James Cameron and his ego both won. He also is looking a little bit like Paul McCartney. Or is that the beer goggles talking?
  • I haven't seen Avatar, nor will I, but apparently James Cameron just thanked himself in the made up language from the movie. Was Klingon unavailable?
  • Ok. I tried reading Nikki again. It's as boring and pointless as I remember from two beers ago.
  • Woah! Reese Witherspoon looks great. Sure her chin is a little pointy, but she looks great. I think it's her hair. Oh, and the Hangover wasn't that great. There's I said it. And where's the fat, bearded dude?
  • I just realized I have fewer "postings per beer." Wondering if that means I have a) less to say b) drinking faster c) peeing more often.
It's that time again. Time for Beer #7
  • The first Kevin Huvane/CAA reference of the evening courtesy of Sandra Bullock. Is it any coincidence I was on the toilet when that happened? I think not.
  • If I didn't know any better, I'd say that Jeff Bridges is sporting a mullet. And a really mediocre speech maker. There's the second CAA reference of the evening. Is that what made it mediocre? No. But it contributed to it. Perhaps a white Russian would have helped. My friend thinks that Jeff Bridges is "wasted." My frame of reference is a bit shot, so I'll assume he's right.
  • Mercifully, the Golden Globes is almost over. I'm fantastically buzzed at this point. Luckily, I won't need a cab to take me over to my couch. I've had 6 1/2 beers and...crap...Avatar won. Nee How Mah. Or whatever he's about to say. Is anyone gonna thank Huvane again? What about Ari Emanuel? So far Cameron hasn't come off as a jerk. Oh, he just did. "We have the best job in the world." Why does that not surprise me?
Thanks for everyone who listened to me get drunk. I've gotta pee again.

P.S. Leave it to NBC. They're running it again on the West Coast. What a bunch of morons!
P.P.S. Turns out Nikki is drunker than I am. Sandy Bullock won for The Blind Side not The Proposal. But who needs facts when you've got $14 million.



MissNic said...


Anonymous said...

Congrats on the NYT mention, Temp X.

Sophia Loren (Raquel Welch to you) still has a line of eyeglasses, so she is unlikely to switch to contacts;)

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