Ask Fake Ari

Fake Ari only looks like Real Ari
Welcome to the new home for Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.

If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.



ORIGINALLY POSTED 1/10/12

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm trying to decide what format to send my resume.  Do I attach it?  Or put it in the body of the email?  Should I send them in Word or .pdf?  Which one is the best and is it bad to send .pdf and Word in case the Word doesn't open? Please help!


Inhale. Exhale.
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First of all, Fake Ari has two words of you -- "CALM THE FUCK DOWN!"  Jesus!  At this rate you're going to have a heart attack before you turn 23.  That said, Fake Ari is a big fan of Darwin and natural selection, and weeding out people like you could only benefit mankind.

But on the off chance you get your blood pressure under control through medication or redirect your anxiety by grinding your teeth, I have an answer for you.  Take a deep breath.  The correct answer is attach it as a .pdf AND paste it into the email.  Any place you're sending your resume to can open a .pdf because pretty much every script comes in that format.  And pasting it in is a good idea in the event they're too stupid to figure out how to open an attachment.

I SAID BREATHE DAMMIT!


This stuff writes itself.
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm an acting coach/actress in need of steady income. Do you have suggestions and know of any studios that are seeking a great acting/set coach or set coaches who would share advice on how to get a set coaching gig?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: You're a comedienne, right?  I mean you have to be.  Who else would say "I'm an actress in need of a steady income?"  Have you already mastered the "Two nuns walk into a bar" routine?  Wow!  Fake Ari hasn't had a laugh like that since I fired my last assistant for using the three-hole punch too loudly.

But to answer your question - Fake Ari has no idea.  But fear not, Fake Ari is smarter than you and is always full of good suggestions as to where to start.  Have you considered calling places like Lee Strasberg Theater & Film Institute or the Screen Actors Guild for potential ideas?  Fake Ari thinks those places might be useful.  But you should stick to comedy, you're a natural.


ORIGINALLY POSTED 10/25/11

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a 31-year-old career changer now doing film and media, and I have been applying for various jobs and sending out over 200 resume/demo reel submissions in Los Angeles and nationwide.  The problem is that I haven't heard back from anyone, and my "contacts" who are actual working professionals in LA and NYC have not thrown any work my way.  I have been networking through friends, cold calling, begging random people in the biz, using online job forums and basically doing everything that I can to find something so I can move down to LA.  Everyone tells me to just move and I will find something.

Can you give me some advice or maybe point me in the right direction?


Movin' on up.
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari is going to give you a quick quiz.  Are you ready?

#1 -- Do you live in Los Angeles?
#2 -- Do you have access to $50 million in investment capital?
#3 -- Are you related to anyone famous?
#4 -- Do you have any blackmail material on any important Hollywood executive?
#5 -- Are you me?

If you answered "No" to all these questions, and I'm certain that you did, then you have no chance in hell of getting a job out here unless you move here.  This town is littered with people just like you.  Plus with the California unemployment rate of 12.1%, the line for whatever job you think you're qualified for has a line 100 people deep.

So shit or get off the pot.  See you soon.


Happy Hour at CAA
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I just graduated from college, and I'm getting tired of interning at production companies. I'm desperate, and I want to work at an agency, specifically CAA. Basically, do you know where the assistants hang out after hours? I'm ready to go network my butt off. Do you think that would even work?


FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari is always amazed that so many people want to work at CAA.  Their offices have all the aesthetic design of a mausoleum.  Plus, do you remember a certain show called Entourage?  Would you like to guess what agency that's based on?  If you said CAA, you're wrong.  If you guessed ICM, Paradigm, Gersh or UTA, you're still wrong.  It's based on me...I mean WME.

But to answer your question, CAA assistants hang out at CAA after hours because they're shackled to their desks.  They'll work your fingers, not just until they bleed, but until there's nothing left but a stump...starting at your wrist.

As for Part 2 of your question, the answer is "perhaps but doubtful." The one thing the assistants can tell you about are the positions that are open or coming open.  But if you think they have any influence in the hiring process, you're too stupid to work in this town anyway.


ORIGINALLY POSTED 7/20/11

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I am currently temping for a CEO of a production company and he's a bit of a kurmudgeon...the difficult/challenging type.  I am currently getting paid $15 an hour however someone here at the company revealed to me that temp agency is getting $35 an hour!  Can you believe that kind of capitalist shit?!

Anyhow. Do you think it's possible to negotiate with my temp agency for more money...I'm looking for $20-22.


Me Spell Pretty Some Day
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Have you ever used a computer before?  I'm guessing not because everyone who has knows HOW TO USE FUCKING SPELLCHECK!!  It's "Curmudgeon," not however you fucked it up.  I'm surprised the temp agency even placed you.  And don't get me started on your punctuation.  Sentences that are questions end WITH QUESTION MARKS!!

As for the abomination of marking up your hourly rate, I'm horrified.  I mean most businesses secure things like rent, employees, utilities, insurance and office supplies on the "Free Stuff" section of Craigslist...Of course I can believe it.  I'm guessing you took Econ 101 in college and got a C-.

But let's get to the re-negotiation portion of your question.  Can you attempt to talk to your temp agent about getting a higher salary?  Sure.  Is asking for a 33 percent raise a sure-fire way to get replaced?  Absolutely.  These are the kind of discussions you have before starting the job, not while you're already there.  Remember, "Temp" is short for "Temporary Employee," which is exactly what you'll be if you consider asking for this kind of a pay bump.

My recommendation -- find a real job.


ORIGINALLY POSTED 5/25/11

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I graduated from an Ivy in 2006 and a top 25 law school in 2009.  Following graduation I used every connection I had at the top agencies to get in as an assistant. Eventually, I got an interview with CAA but it went nowhere (Why did your slaves at WME blow me off son?). I don't fit that storm trooper mold I guess. Ultimately, I took a clerkship and have been working that for the past year. But I can't take it anymore. I have to become an agent; nothing else will do.

Tell me something I don't know
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: It's not often that Fake Ari doesn't have an answer for everything.  Ask me the last digit of Pi, I know it.  Looking for the answer for the Grand Unified Theory - child's play.  Hell.  I even know why Jim Belushi keeps getting work.  But your question almost had me stumped.  Your credentials fit in perfectly with what this town is looking for -- Ivy-league ego, Top 25 law school (unless you went to UC Davis, they don't count).  But yet no work.  So I poured myself a glass of Chivas 18, grabbed a copy of the Wall Street Journal (I read the paper version) and the answer became clear as to why you can't find employment with an agency -- the unemployment rate in California is 11.7%.  It's the second worst jobless rate in the country, only beating out Nevada.

There are tons of people like you wandering the streets of Hollywood trying to join the ranks of people like me.  You're over educated and underemployed.  My advice to you is simple -- move to where the jobs are.  Or be a manager.  Those jobs are easier to get.

Oh, and they're not considered slaves if they do it voluntarily.  Then they're just considered young, impressionable fools. 

That's what he said
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I've been interning since Jan 2010 - nine months of it being desk level experience. I'm in and out of interviews at CAA and Gersh but didn't land any past the initial HR interview. I was wondering what you think is appropriate follow-up with HR is. I don't want to piss them off and I don't want them to forget about me.  Thoughts?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari has one simple rule about interviewing -- if they want to call you, they'll call you.  Everything else will piss them off.  As for the nine months of internships...well...the longer you want to work for free, the happier your employer is.




ORIGINALLY POSTED 4/28/11

I lie!
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: What's the likelihood that agencies or production companies catch lies one may have put on their resume? Are background checks very comprehensive?  And if by chance one is caught, are dreams of Hollywood gone forever for said individual?  I've never lied on my resume, but with responses to applications dwindling, my pants may need some lighting.

32=18
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First of all, Happy Administrative Professionals Week.  Wait.  You actually believed I meant that?  Now that's how you lie.  With out any hesitation.  Honestly, I can't believe I even have to acknowledge you or your ilk for one fucking moment, much less a whole goddamn week.  This "celebration" holds about as much importance as World Turtle Day.  But if it gives those asshats in HR something to do, I guess I'll play along.

Now on to your question.  I have two fucking words for you -- Riley Weston.  But because you're too young and not smart enough to know who that is, I'll explain.  Actually I only have 10 minutes until my Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber Therapy and Infrared Body Wrap appointment, so I'll let Entertainment Weekly do it for me:
For 14 years, 32-year-old Riley Weston was just another struggling actress in Hollywood, going nowhere fast. Tired of waiting for the perfect part, she created it instead: teen writing prodigy on Felicity, The WB's hit about an 18-year-old college freshman. She aced the part, too, delivering an Oscar-worthy performance capable of fooling a powerful studio (Disney), a network, a talent agency (United Talent Agency), and numerous publications, including this one (she appeared on our It List last June).
But reality and fantasy collided on Oct. 15: A former friend snitched, apparently angered at all the attention Weston was getting — not to mention her two-year, $300,000 development deal from Disney Touchstone TV. Faster than you can say Milli Vanilli, the phenom was unmasked as a fake.
Never rat on your
friends and always
keep your mouth shut
The Riley Weston episode revealed two things about this town: 1) your Hollywood age is half your real age plus 2, and 2) no one does a background check.  Ms. Weston's problems occurred when she made it too big.  That's when that jealous prick ratted her out.  (Have they not heard of extortion?  It's more lucrative.)  Of course I have no concern that you'll make it too big so a tattler shouldn't be a concern.

I'll say this, if you're going to lie, either use a series of small, imperceptible lies or go all in.  That is if you go small, just add a few months to your past job.  Or add responsibilities your supervisor had.  Something within the realm of possibility.  Or, go balls out and tell people you were Sidney Lumet's personal assistant for the last six years.  Since he's dead, who could they possibly call for a reference?  And for fuck's sake, don't have a LinkedIn account with your real info.



ORIGINALLY POSTED 3/30/11
Milwaukee's (Fourth) Best Beer
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I am a college senior majoring in Public Relations and am hoping to get another internship before graduating. I was wondering if you had any tips you would like to share on what to include in my resume.  Thank you for your time.

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Ok dipshit.  Here's a tip.  I expect constant adulation.  So thank me at the beginning, middle and end of your question.  And sprinkle it with apologies and begging for forgiveness for taking up my valuable time.  One moment please.  I have an idiot to yell at...
You fucking call this shiatsu massage?  I could do a better job with a rolling pin and a handful of goddamn thumbtacks.  Get off me.  Now!  Now get back to your desk and set my lunch.
Alright.  I'm only going to say this once.  So get out your crayons, Etch a Sketch or whatever mommy lets you use.  A resume is like a PR pitch, so write to your audience.  PR firms don't care that you worked at the Safeway in Kalamazoo.  They care that you're a news junkie and what you've studied that relates to their business.  They care that you understand social media.  They care that you've worked on projects and have delivered results.  And they care that there aren't any fucking typos in your fucking resume!

How do I know I'm right?  Because I'm going to il Cielo where I'll dine on Costata di Manzo alla Griglia and a glass of 1990 Chateaux Latour Pauillac while you're chowing down on Ramen Noodles and Milwaukee's Best.  Bon Appetit bitches.

As seen on Jennifer Aniston's face
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: Does Fake Ari have the same  nose job (probably by Dr. Kanodia -- whose minimum price is $25,000) as the real Ari Emanuel?  

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First off, I look down my nose...err...let's just say you're not in Fake Ari's league to even ask those questions.  Secondly, my proboscis is as real as the nose on your...well, whatever.  I don't have to answer to you.  You're a nothing and I'm Fake Ari Emanuel.  So suck it!  And I don't even care if you don't believe me.  It's no skin off my...DAMMIT!  Fine.  It's as fake as I am.  Are you happy?  I PAID THROUGH THE NOSE FOR THIS NOSE.  It was worth every penny.  Nosey bitch.




ORIGINALLY POSTED 3/7/11

NBC's new logo
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a junior in college and looking for a summer internship in LA.  My biggest strength is that I'm extremely creative when it comes to idea generation, but I'm not sure what area would be good for me to start in.  What are your thoughts?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: You've pointed out your own problem -- likely one of many -- you're creative.  Hollywood isn't about being creative.  It's about reusing old ideas with a built in audience, thus minimizing financial risk.  Think I'm wrong?  Fake Ari is never wrong.  Here's just some of the retreads that have been picked for this pilot season:
  • Wonder Woman (NBC): Based on the DC comic and TV series with Lynda Carter, a hot chick in a corset fights crime while her tits jiggle.
  • The Munsters (NBC): Based on the comedy from the 1960s and subsequent syndicated version from the 1988-91, it follows the home life of monsters.  It's a slightly more refined version of life with the Huvane family. 
  • Emerald City (NBC): Based on the Wizard of Oz, but this time set in a major metropolis.  Damn, this is a terrible idea.  And I'll stomach anything that involves one of our clients.
  • Dallas (TNT): Based on the long running series about conniving, vindictive and downright evil Texas oil barons, this show follows the next generation.  Conniving?  Vindictive?  Evil?  This show sounds fantastic.  No wonder it's already been picked up to series.
  • Charlie’s Angels (ABC): Based on the long-running series with the hot blond, the hot brunette and Kate Jackson, private eyes fight crime while their tits jiggle.  
  • Romeo & Juliet (ABC): Based on Shakespeare's play about star-crossed lovers, this show...wow...this one might be even worse than Emerald City.
  • True Lies (ABC):  Based on the movie of the same name, ABC hopes this show has a better fate than their previous attempt at this show -- the failed Mr. and Mrs. Smith pilot of 2007.
If I were you, and thank God I'm not, I'd look into internships in Development.  It offers all the creative aspects of writing but without all the work.  Just make sure you study up on which ideas are ripe for a re-boot.


Bon Appetit le Jerkoff
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  How do you view study abroad and abroad work experience on a resume?  For instance, I am currently abroad working for a performing artist management firm and record label in the U.K.?  By the way, I'm from Chicago so congrats to your fake brother for paying...whoops...I mean winning the most honest city in America.

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Well aren't you the fancy one?  I put myself through Macalester digging graves at a pet cemetery while people like you are gallivanting through the Côte d'Azur drinking pastis, eating Salade Niçoise and pretending it's college.  But perhaps you're learning something while gazing at better scenery than St. Paul.  To that I say "Screw You."

Work experience abroad will never equal that in the U.S. simply because foreigners are inferior members of the global economy.  But if it's the best you can do, it's the best you can do.  Put it on your resume and pad it 1 percent more for each time zone removed from Hollywood.  So if you were working in London (PST +8 hours), add 8 percent more bullshit to your resume.  Then you'll be on a level playing field with students interning in Los Angeles.

As for your comments about my brother, don't think those have gone unnoticed.  Rahm still has a few contacts in D.C. who can make your return through U.S. Customs more than a bit uncomfortable.  Does the term "body cavity search" mean anything to you?

ORIGINALLY POSTED 2/17/11

Professional Combover: Do not attempt
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I recently moved to LA after graduating college.  Then, all of a sudden, BAM!  My hair is thinning and noticeably so.  I want to take it like a man and shave it, but I'm worried that in our superficial "home" we call Hollywood, my chances of breaking into that first studio or agency gig will be obliterated.  What do you think - can young guys make it in the business rocking it Yul Brynner style, or should we hide from our misfortunes under a piece?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Listen jerkoff, this isn't my first go 'round at the bullshit rodeo.  There's no way someone who just graduated from college makes a Yul Brynner reference...unless you're 50.  And if that's the case, you might as well move right now because you as unhireable as Mary Kay Letourneau is at Fairfax High School.  But let's assume you're actually in your early 20s.  If that's the case, use what's left of your rapidly depleting follicles to your advantage.  Lie on your your resume and say you were a Co-EP on According to Jim.  HR will have to believe you because 1) you look older and more distinguished and 2) no one is dumb enough to lie about working on a show that bad.

If you decide to lop off your luscious locks, you'll be a shoo-in at ICM.  They have more shaved heads per capita then the NBA.  Plus they're a second tier agency, which is perfect for you.


Pennsylvania 6-5000 please.
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I've submitted my resume to most of the temp agencies you list on your blog (per their websites' instructions). I have almost 5 years experience in the industry in all types of positions (including executive support and coordinating) and am very qualified, but I haven't gotten any responses. Do you think it could be more effective to call them instead?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Duh.

ORIGINALLY POSTED 1/21/11

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: Since moving to LA, I met a few crucial people who worked at WME2 and I landed an interview with the music department. That was in September.  Since then, I have called in every week or two and sent follow up emails. My whole goal in life is to be a member of the WME2 family.  Any suggestions? 

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  I have spoken with the fake legal department of Fake WME2, and we are considering getting a fake restraining order against you.  But seriously, time for some tough love.  STOP CALLING.  Fake Ari can't put it any more succinctly than that.  You may have a tremendous desire work at WME2, but weekly calls and emails move your candidacy from the "Maybe When The Recession Is Over" pile right into the "Not Ever" pile.

The one thing Fake Ari can do is explain the process of becoming an agent.  I don't want to because I have to yell at the Hollywood Foreign Press about ripping WME2 client Ricky Gervais.  But I will.

All agents start off as assistants.  So the trick is getting in the door, even as a...excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little...a temp.  Once you get hired on full time, and after a year of catering to someone's every whim, they'll let you apply to the agent training program.  If you're accepted, this usually entails a demotion to mail room for a year of sorting people's mail.  If you survive the countless paper cuts, you'll move back to being an assistant in your area of interest.  If you don't screw that up, you'll get promoted to co-ordinator, junior agent and finally, if you don't suffer a massive panic attack, agent.  Then I'll have you fired.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I just moved here from out of state and I am starting to make good contacts. People are asking for a resume and I was wondering if outside industry experience, specifically construction, belongs on a resume. I was assisting people, but in a much different capacity. Any advice?  If not, go F yourself.

I've had people killed for lesser reasons
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: I like your moxie.  Not many people have the balls to insult Fake Ari...wait one second, gotta tell my assistant something..."Hey slave!  I've got someone else to whack.  Some prick just told me to 'F myself.'  Call my brother and get Panetta's number at the CIA.  He'll know what to do"...So to answer your question, put it on there.  What I've heard people with outside experience do is separate Entertainment experience from Non-Entertainment experience.  Of course list everything you've done in Hollywood first because nothing is more important than what we do.

Oh, and if you're out walking and you hear a rustling in the bushes, it's certainly not a sharpshooter with a Remington 700 SPS Tactical .223 rifle with a Simmons Blazer 3-9X40 scope and a laser pointer.  But I also wouldn't stop to check it out.



ORIGINALLY POSTED 1/4/11


Welcome to Hollywood!
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I'm a recent college grad looking for an assistant position in Hollywood.  Should I include my college sorority involvement on my resume?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Is it one of the good sororities?  If so, yes.  But if it's one of the crappy ones (and you know what I mean) then no.  

Actually, Fake Ari is going to be serious for a moment.  No one in Hollywood cares what fraternity or sorority you were in.  It doesn't matter if you were President, Fall Rush Chair or Hazer-in-Chief.  The second you get your diploma, your affiliation with the Panhellenic Council is meaningless.  In fact, your Greek affiliation meant nothing even when you were in college...you just didn't know it then.  That said, certain things acquired in the Greek system like pain tolerance and faux sincerity are very useful in Hollywood.  Don't lose those skills.


Lazy picture idea
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  Howdy.  I love your blog!  I was just wondering what's the story behind keeping your resume to one page long if you're under 30?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First of all, no one starts a conversation with Fake Ari with "Howdy."  This isn't one of those "flyover states."  This is Hollywood.  Call me "Mr. Fake Emanuel." 

There are two answers to your question:
  1. You haven't accomplished a goddamn thing yet.  Here's a rule of thumb: if the word "Assistant" is somewhere in your title or job description -- one page.
  2. People in Hollywood can't read.




ORIGINALLY POSTED 10/28/10

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I moved to LA two months ago and have had a horrible time finding work.  There are jobs posted everywhere but I never get called.  So I thought I would try temping, but WTF?  How do I even get a pimp?  I have a wealth of business experience including industry experience and two overpriced college degrees and I can't even get a freaking interview with a temp pimp.  Can you help? I'm not getting any younger.


First Chicago.  Next, the World!
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  Why do I even bother with you people?  I really have better things to do.   I'm trying to run an agency here.  My brother is running for Mayor of Chicago.  And I have another sibling, but I can't remember what he does because he's not famous.

Let's get one thing straight.  This stupid site you're reading has a list of every popular Pimp in town.  Anyone of those asshats will let you come in an take a typing test.  It's no skin off their balls.  So go in and don't fuck it up.

Got a Low Self Opinion?  Lie!
As for your resume, pimps don't give a rat's turd about your overpriced degrees or your experience before you moved to Hollywood.  You know why?  Because it doesn't matter.  So there's only one thing left to do -- LIE.  Yes.  Lie about everything you've accomplished.  Make yourself look stupider and less skilled.  Pimps don't like to give gigs to someone who realizes they're too smart to dig paper out of a photocopier.  Dumb yourself down -- at least on paper.  And for the love of God, keep your resume to one page.  Pimps don't know what to do with a two-page CV, so they typically throw them out.

Now let's discuss your point about not getting any younger.  Clearly you haven't figured out Hollywood.  People get younger in this town all the time.  Sandra Bullock interrupted the space/time continuum.  Jennifer Lopez can't work a calendar.  And Eminem obviously needs Flava Flav's oversize clock necklace.  Oh.  I also have two words for you "BO-motherfuckin'-TOX."

Now get out of my face.  You're bothering me.




ORIGINALLY POSTED 9/8/10

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I'm a sophomore in college majoring in business and thinking about moving to LA after graduation to be an agent. Can you explain the process for becoming an agent at a big firm like CAA? Also, do you have any recommendations about getting an internship? I want to be an agent because I love movies and love Hollywood. This is one job I would do not because of the money and that's rare.  Please help. 

Yassir!  That's Arafat's mausoleum.
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  Fuck you with your "big firm like CAA."  I'm We're the big cheese in this town.  Name one person on Entourage based on a CAA employee.  Right.  That's because there aren't any.  Oh, and you know why they call that place "The Death Star?"  Because that shack on Avenue of the Stars looks like an oversized mausoleum.  Now that we've established that you have no concept of what "target audience" means, I'll go on and answer your question.
 
Here's how you become an agent at big agencies like WME2 and whoever else you falsely consider important.  You first need to get hired as an assistant, mail room jockey or floater.  After kissing ass for a few months, apply to their agent-training program.  Provided they accept your pathetic ass, you'll probably get demoted to the mail room while learning the company inside and out.  You'll also take corporate training about agenting, and if I have anything to say about it, new curriculum like "Duplicitous Assholery 101" and "Self Importance for the Pathetic."  Once you pass these rounds of flagellation, you'll get upped (that's an industry word, look it up) to assistant, coordinator and then agent.  Somehow this whole process takes longer than law school and serves no purpose outside Los Angeles County.  But that's your problem.
 
Is this what it's come to?
As for your internship desires, you've made a big first step by publicly announcing your plans to work for free.  It's suckers eager young people like you that keep our costs down and depress wages for every assistant.  So apply for every gig you hear about.  If you can't get an internship with an agency now and can only find something with a production company or management firm, I wouldn't worry about it.  Anything industry-related on your resume will look good once you graduate.  Unless it's in porn or post-production. That stuff is useless.
 
Well newbie.  That's it.  If you don't think I answered your question.  Screw you.  There are 15 people behind you who think I did a great job and will flatter me endlessly.



ORIGINALLY POSTED 8/18/10

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I am Australian! Do you think anyone can sponsor my visa?

Are you looking at my boobs?


FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Listen you koala bear-eating jerk, don't bother Fake Ari with your "sponsor me" crap.  I have neither the time, nor the inclination to help you as I'm a busy, self-important executive focused on creating career-defining programs like LeBron James: The Decision.  But here's the truth.  Getting a work permit in Hollywood is easy.  You just need to follow the example set by some of WME2 clients like Kate Beckinsale (England), Will Arnett (Canada), Malin Ackerman (Sweden) and Hugh Jackman (Australia).  You know what they did right?  They were all born exceptionally good looking.  So hopefully you won the genetic lottery coming out of the chute.  If that's not in the cards, try hooking up with a company from your homeland that does business in Hollywood or contact executives with ties to your country.  I know a few people who have had luck following that path.  Or talk to my brother Rahm.  I'm sure he'll be happy to help.


ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I just moved closer to the city and have only been living around here for a couple months. Just wondered if you could recommend any decent bars or places to chill that aren't real pricey?

Another Frank Gehry-designed building
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: When I'm feeling thrifty, I go to Bar Nineteen 12 (9641 Sunset Blvd).  I'll just get something simple, like three fingers of Macallan 25 ($110) and a side order of Maine lobster tacos ($26).  Nothing ostentatious.  I'll even tone it down by taking the Beemer instead of the Porsche.  I've also heard my assistants talk about "scoring" $3 beer at Dillon's in Hollywood or throwing projectiles (I think they called them "darts") at a place called The Drawing Room in Los Feliz.  But I never travel east of La Cienega.  So you'll have to rely on their assessments.



ORIGINALLY POSTED 8/3/10 


Read: "Too cheap to pay"
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I went on an interview for an internship at a production company. I was really excited because the exec told me that it would turn into an assistant position if I did a good enough job.  After the first round, he said "You seem like a really good guy" and asked me if I could return later that day to meet with the producer. Due to commitments I could not break (a part-time, paying job), I could not, but would be able to the next day.  The exec said this was fine and he would probably have me come in early the next morning.

After work, I emailed the exec asking him if he needs me to come in tomorrow. He responds the next day, "Things suddenly got really busy we'll meet next week." The next week rolls around and I don't hear from him again. So I give him a call and a girl picks up (I immediately knew that meant the position had been filled).  When I ask for the exec, she puts me on hold for a moment and then tells me, "He just stepped out."

Any idea why someone would do this? What do you think I should do the next time?


Not Real Ari; Coffee-bean pooping monkey
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  First of all, where's my coffee?  I've told you this a thousand fucking times, do not speak to me unless a) spoken to first, b) your name is Mark Wahlberg or c) you're buying me a $33 cup of that monkey crap Kopi Luwak coffee.  Jesus.  It's not that difficult.  Where did you go to college, the University of Stupid?

Ok plebe, I'm only gonna say this once because I have no time for your "woe is me" shit.  No one in this town cares that you have to pay rent or maybe you want to eat.  When a self-important exec says "Jump!" you say "How high, and can I get your lunch while I'm there?"  You know why?  Because there's a line of 15 people behind you willing to work for free.  I'm not sure how they afford it, but that's their problem.  All we execs need to do is dangle the mythical carrot of a "creative job" and you newbies will do anything.  Furthermore, we won't "hire" them unless they bring their own laptops.  This way the whole thing is free.  Pretty good business model, huh?

Oh.  Guess what?  You're hired.  Ok, now you're fired.  God that felt good.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

haha this entire blog is hilarious I am sorry for my own sake that I just now found it.

FoxStudioEmployee said...

it is pretty amusing. ;-) and true, since i work in the industry and have seen it myself...

FatGuyHuvane said...

YES!! Finally a fucking blog to read with my coffee in the morning. Too funny.

Justin said...

I have been doing production for about 5 years and have done everything from production coordinating to being a production assistant, but i for some reason can not get a call back to save my life. I am trying to get more into producing so I have been trying to get a temp spot with a company from here as either a producers assistant or an admin/ exec assistant but am getting no response. any advice

Anonymous said...

The other day a girl on the lot looked me up on the Studio Directory and said..."you're just a temp?!" She never spoke to me again.

Anonymous said...

Any job posted in the temp diary website is old. Chances are they were filled before they made the UTA list (which is the main source of the job list).

I applied to 100 and something positions in the last 2 months. I didn't get even a call back.

It is a placebo effect type of thing but you won't get any work. Sorry.

Anonymous said...

you are a terrorist

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