Monday, August 29, 2011

Hollywood Dictionary: Volume 24

And now, a few more entries into the Hollywood Dictionary. If there are terms you want defined, please send them along to

Back Story: Kimberly Noel Kardashian was born October 21, 1980 to her father Robert and mother Kris.  Oh, wait.  That's "Back Side Story."  I always get those two confused.  Back story is simply a character's history before we join them.  For example, Tom Hagen (Robert Duvall's character in The Godfather) grew up in a broken family and is saved by Sonny Corleone, who finds him on the street and takes him in to live with the Corleones.  Now let's return to talking about The Tush.

Big Personality: -- I'm sure there's another Kim Kardashian joke I could make here.  But I'll dispense with that and go straight to the definition.  I was temping at a production company responsible for a well-known series of teen films when a writer came for a meeting.  He was the son of a famed director, and with that seemingly came a ridiculous sense of entitlement and bombast.  During the meeting, he was preoccupied with either name dropping, boasting or checking his iPhone.  I kept thinking he was a self-involved prick.  Upon conclusion of the meeting, my boss du jour walked over to my cubicle and said "he certainly has a big personality."  So that should answer that question. 

YA: In the movie Fargo, France McDormand played the folksy police office Marge Gunderson.  Her sweet exterior masked a dogged pursuit of the truth -- in this case, who kidnapped Jean Lundegaard.  Gunderson punctuates most everything she says with the very Swedish "ya."  But that has nothing to do with this or any other good movie.  YA is short for "Young Adult," which is a category for movies that suck but make a lot of money like Twilight and the forthcoming film The Hunger Games.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Larry King Tuesday (Wednesday Edition)

Shouldn't have signed that pre-nup
If Kris Humphries is traded to Milwaukee, will Kim Kardashian divorce him immediately?

Why does every news network use a different spelling for Moammar Gadhafi?  Can't they just pick one so I know which dictator is getting thrown out.

For as much as Google helps me, it's also a major pain in the ass.

Do you ever sit and think "I wonder whatever happened to Yahoo Serious?"  Me neither.

Philippe's is overrated -- unless you like undersized, flavorless French dip sandwiches.

They're fake,
but so what
Piers Morgan stole my act by getting Christine O'Donnell to walk off the show.  I did that years ago with Carrie Prejean.  Then I did it years before that with Dr. Jan Adams.  Hell, I did it in 1993 with Art Garfunkel.

Oil changes are an annoying waste of time and money.

The two best sports commentators are Hubie Brown and Gus Johnson.  The worst -- Joe Buck and Stuart Scott.

I know it's time to go grocery shopping when I have tacos for breakfast.  That said, they're not bad.

If I had the time, I'd be a Twitter addict.

I can't decide which term I like better "brain fart" or "fun bags"

How is it that the Chicago Bears are 28:1 to win the Super Bowl and the Dallas Cowboys are 14:1?  Chicago made it to the NFC Championship last year.  Dallas finished last season 6-10.

I can't say there's any TV show debuting this fall I'm that excited about.  That said, I'll watch them all anyway.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Do these pants make
my ego look big?
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I went to a few semesters of college, but didn't finish with a degree. Will this completely ruin my chances of working at an agency like WME2 or some less important ones?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari is in a meeting right now, so Fake Ari's assistant is gonna field this question.

First of all, don't tell him I answered your question.  If he finds out I did, Ari will beat me with a gym bag full of Modern Family specs.  He's done it before.  And let me tell you, if a brass fastener hits you on the head, it can draw blood.  Plus he'll make me clean it up.

Now to answer your question.  WME2 probably won't hire you directly because we're snobs and we can be picky with who we hire.  But there's always an end-around to this sort of thing.  If you come in to WME2 (or lesser firm) though a temp agency and are lucky enough to get a long-term assignment, you can prove your skills that way.  Then make friends with people things might just work out for you.  It's sort of like an on-the-job audition.

Shit, I gotta get going.  I can hear him yelling at Lee White.  Fake Ari hates those reality goons.

No one is here.
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a recent college graduate who has recently moved out to Hollywood. I'd like very much to follow-up on my online application submissions for assistant gigs, but everywhere I call find a contemptuous receptionist saying, "Oh, they'll call you," while my attempts at in-person follow-ups have consistently been met with similar responses — only complemented by micro-expressions of complete bewilderment.

So how exactly does one follow-up with an application with a big company without being brushed away by the receptionist gate-keeper?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari never ceases to be amazed by how stupid you new college grads are.  If only they taught you common sense in college versus film history bullshit like mise-en-scène and deus ex machina.

Here's the deal.  And it's so simple, even a pinhead like you can understand it.  Ready?  I don't want to go too fast for you because you seem slightly daft.  But here's the answer.  IF THEY WANT TO CALL YOU, THEY'LL CALL YOU.

So while the receptionist may act like a contemptuous shithead, she is also an accurate contemptuous shithead.  Nevermind the fact that she's probably angling for the job that you're applying for.  So pissing her off isn't gonna do you any good anyway.

Just sit back, apply for a job and then move on.  And please, never ask me such an inane question again.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Bombs Away

CAA has their own script exploder
By now, we've all heard about the guy who was so desperate to have his script read, he dropped off his computer at a talent agency.  Of course the whole thing ended poorly as the agency called the bomb squad and blew up his lap top.

So that got me thinking that there are easier and less costly ways to have your script rejected.  I've posted some recommendations below.

Also, and this is very important, if you know the guy who had his script exploded, please contact me immediately at  I must reach this person.

But on to the ideas.  Feel free to add your own in the comments section:

  • Dress up as a pizza delivery person and put your script inside the box.  They'll never open it because carbs are still verboten in Hollywood.
  • Tell the receptionist Ara Keshisian must read it as part of your court-ordered settlement.
  • Use the logline, "Citizen Kane as told from the standpoint of the sled."
  • Attach a dime bag of cocaine to your script...wait, that might work...unless they think it's anthrax.
  • Have your Uncle Frank, an HVAC technician at the ICM building, put in a good word with Chris Silbermann.
  • Start a blog.  That's a surefire waste of time.
  • Give 'em the old "$5 handshake."
  • Get an agent's cell phone number.  Then text your movie script to her.  It should only take about 800 messages.
  • Explain your script offers strong characters, a good story, it isn't based on any previous show/movie/website/Twitter feed/book, there are no product placements and Ashton Kutcher isn't in it.  If that doesn't get it rejected, nothing will.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Special Monday Job Post

Because I like you people...

Leading Los Angeles-based boutique public relations and strategic communications agency seeks Senior Account Executive to develop, execute and implement PR campaigns for lifestyle brands and personalities ranging from health and wellness accounts to fashion and beauty to hospitality.  

Candidate must possess a minimum of five years experience servicing the aforementioned categories in a fast-paced, deadline-driven and professional environment; excellent media relationships and client management skills; and exceptional communication and writing capabilities. The position includes a competitive salary, commensurate with level of experience, as well healthcare and retirement benefits.  Interested applicants should email their cover letter and attached resumes to

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Vote Temp X for THR's "Top 35 under 35"

The Hollywood Reporter is conducting its annual meaningless survey on the Top 35 executives under 35.  If last year is any indication (SPOILER ALERT) it'll feature a disproportionate number of white men, few (if any) minorities and a lot of people wearing suits that exceed your net worth.

Since you've already nominated me for Variety's "10 Assistants to Watch," why not make it a clean sweep of industry trade publications and vote for me here too.

While I can't promise you a beer stein with my logo on it if I win the THR popularity survey, I can promise that you can name your firstborn after me.  And who wouldn't want that?

To make life easy, I've listed the questions and what you might want to use for the answers.  Here's the

Now make me feel important.

Nominee Name:
Temp X

What are the nominee's accomplishments?
The Brown List (the most and least liked Hollywood executives); The Bennies (an award show recognizing the Worst in Television); Helping people find work; Surviving in Hollywood on $11/hr

Title (Nominee's Title):
Editor in Chief/Head Temp

Company (Nominee's Company):
The Hollywood Temp Diaries (

Date of Birth (Nominee's Date of Birth):
He can play anywhere from 18-34

Category of Nomination:
  • TV
  • Film
  • Digital (X) <------VOTE FOR ME HERE
  • Agents
  • Legal
  • Publicity
  • Management
What are the nominee's greatest strengths?
Laughing to keep from crying; Writing song parodies; Pointing out the dearth of minorities or woman used in THR's 2010 Top 35 under 35; Making fun of Ara Keshishian

Where do you see the nominee in five years?
Either running Hollywood or thrown out of it.

Friday, August 5, 2011

A special Friday job post

Consider using a resume
And now, because I like you guys, here's a non-joblist job...

A Los Angeles based production company is currently seeking an Executive Assistant to work in a fast paced, creative environment within the entertainment industry. Candidates must be a college graduate, highly motivated with agency or network experience; strong writing skills are a plus. Typical assistant duties - heavy phones, scheduling and organizing meetings, coordinating travel, preparing pitches and meeting materials, as well as researching and contributing to projects in development. You must be extremely organized, in fact must LOVE to organize, able to multi-task, Mac literate and Internet savvy.

Must be extremely proficient in Excel, Powerpoint, and Word NO exceptions. You will be creating vast amounts of presentations workbooks, spreadsheets etc.

Must have thick skin, stay calm under pressure, use good judgement, work VERY well with little or no supervision, have GREAT memory ( very important ) and successfully multitask various responsibilities.

Applicants must have at least 2 years of previous executive assistant or front desk experience. If you think you posses ALL the above requirements please send a resume and a cover letter to

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Guest Column: A reflection on life in Hollywood

And now a guest editorial from one of my readers.  Got something you want to say about the state of Hollywood? Send it to 

I came out here with a mission: not to fail.

I knew it was going to be hard.  I didn’t have a lot of experience in production or writing, but I knew enough and did enough to where I thought I would do just fine.

My first thoughts in Hollywood were simple -- if I could get my foot in the door and learn at any production company, show, movie, online magazine or otherwise, life could go on from there.  But the problem was I never grew up knowing anyone remotely connected to the industry.  I had a good internship at a Fortune 500 TV and movie company in college, but when it was over, they showed us the door.  Used up and spit out.

I met random people here and there, but nothing concrete.  I would talk to alumni from my school who offered to help, but in the end, they would say, “Sorry I really can’t do anything for you.”

I continued to feel like a beat-up ball in the Hollywood game.  I was being crushed over and over by people with more heft and connections than I.  Day after day, I would put myself out there to the best of my ability.  I’d surf the job sites for hours, go out and look, talk to people.  But the end result was always the same.  Nothing.

Undeterred, I pushed forward and did what many of us unemployed do -- live off savings and just keep going.  I've done an odd-assortment of jobs to make ends meet: worked as an assistant at a college, boxed junk for the elderly and even signed up to be an extra (for exposure to the production process and free food).

It's been eighteen months since I moved here and life has never been so scattered.  I’ve always known what I wanted, but this industry has taught me I can’t always get what I want.  I’ve come to a point where I want to be in this field so badly, but I no longer know what I want to do because I've been told “No” so many times.  I do know now I must shut down the past of mistakes and regrets and declare open season on my future.  I must find whatever I can to simply stay in this city.  As daunting as all of this has been, it no longer terrifies me.  I fight, I push, I yearn, I claw, I research for the next new opportunity that presents itself to me.

I might not have won yet, but I'm getting there.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Overheard in Hollywood

Say what?
I recently put out a post asking for correspondents, and who knew, but people actually responded.  I guess people other than my mother really do read this site.

Before I go on to discuss our story of the day, I just wanted to make another plug.  If you've got something to say or have a fun story to share about your life in Hollywood, feel free to send it to or submit it via the the submission box in the left column.  Of course, everything is confidential, anonymous and I promise not to tell anyone.

I'll happily post it because it means I can take the day off.  And now, on with today's post courtesy of one of my fans.

One of our big name clients finished filming a movie a few months ago for a mega-producer. He has since moved on and is now filming his (picked up) pilot. 

The mega-producer wants our client to come back for a bit of post-production work.  You know, the usual stuff.  But our client won't go, claiming his shooting schedule is too rigorous.  Trust me, it's not.

The producer said, and I quote, "I will shut down that shitty show for a week so we can fly that retard up to finish."

My genius bosses replied, "Why don't you just pay to fly the set and crew to him instead if you're going to spend that much money?'

The situation is not yet resolved.

My guess is it never will be.

Monday, August 1, 2011

"My life in Hollywood sucks" -- August calendar

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.