Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Microsoft needs a new ad agency

Today's post doesn't have anything to do with Hollywood.  But sometimes I just feel like writing about other stuff. 

So I'm talking with my sister yesterday and she insists she's seen the dumbest commercial ever.  As an amateur connoisseur of bad ads, I doubt this heavily, but I indulge.  Anyhoo, after struggling to figure out her DVR, she locates the spot, hits the wrong button on the DVR, hangs up, finds the ad, calls me back and plays it for me over the phone.  And it turns out she's right.  This might be the stupidest thing ever.

Here's the commercial for Xbox Kinect (FYI - It's spelled "connect").  Then, the briefest of explanations assuming you're not caffeinated enough to figure it out. 

Shouldn't "The sports you love, the way they're meant to be played" mean you're playing them...oh, you know...outside.  They do sell tennis rackets.  And you can get them for $70, or less than half the price of the Kinect attachment ($149.95).

Monday, November 21, 2011

Great Moments in Product Placment History - Jennifer Lopez

This is a first-ballot Hall of Fame winner.  Jennifer Lopez on stage at the American Music Awards grinding on the car she advertises for. 

Let the backlash begin.

Stupid Interview Questions - Betty Ford edition

A quick search on Google Maps using the key words "Drug Rehab in Los Angeles" delivers no fewer than 50 results between Santa Monica and Downtown LA.  Why so many?  Those who have succeeded in Hollywood are often on drugs.  And those who haven't made it can't figure out why, so they take drugs.

So it's with this, I bring you today's Stupid Interview Question courtesy of one of my loyal readers:

Do you have any addictions?  I had an assistant who had a serious coke problem and it was too much to deal with.

The correct answer is, "Yes.  I'm a recovering addict, so I know all the signs.  So the fact that your eyes are bloodshot, your pupils are wide open, you're irritable, you've had frequent mood swings during our interview, you've got what appears to be a backlog of work on your desk, you were 45 minutes late and your nose is bleeding uncontrollably indicates you need another toot."

If you have a Stupid Interview Question to share, please send it to TempX@tempdiaries.com or put it in the "Overheard in Hollywood" box to the left. All submissions will remain anonymous.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Great Moments In Product Placement History -- Grimm

And now another (cue echo effect) GREAT MOMENT IN PRODUCT PLACEMENT HISTORY.  Today's moment comes courtesy of last week's episode of the new NBC show Grimm.

Grimm is far from the first show to shill for Apple. But they do an exceeding good job at being so gaudy about it. Within the first 10 minutes of the pilot, they worked an iPod and an iPhone reference into the script in addition to showing the hardware. But someone running that part of the show needs to be a little smarter about quality control.

As we see below, the police are dutifully looking at something on the computer, clearly identified as a Mac.

But when we see what they're looking at, it's clearly not a Mac at all.  In fact, there are items clearly indicative of a a Windows 7 desktop.  I point particularly at the "Trash" bin in the lower left that is exactly the design of the one Bill Gates' company uses on theirs, complete with the blue "recycle" logo.

Is it that difficult to replicate a Mac desktop for the purposes of product placement? I mean if you're gonna shill, you might as well shill it right.

I know I'm a dork for thinking of these things.  But this is how I spend my spare time.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Brett Ratner's apology (the one with tracked changes)

Well, it's been a rough couple days for Brett Ratner.  He talks openly about his sperm count and how "Rehearsal is for fags," and next thing you know, he's out of a job producing The Oscars.

So to avoid becoming a complete pariah in Hollywood, his publicist told him he needed to issue a statement apologizing.  But before every final statement there's a rough draft.  And my sources tell me that Brett wanted a first crack at it.

Thanks to those same sources, I now have Brett's original version of his "I'm sorry" statement complete with tracked changes.


It was a sexy dumb way of expressing the one and only Brett Ratner myself. Everyone who knows Brett Ratner me loves Brett Ratner knows that I don’t have a (Use a fancy word here. That's what you get paid for, not me.) prejudiced boner bone in Brett Ratner's my body. On the subject of that, have I mentioned how big my balls are? Plus I'm fucking great at oral sex while eating shrimp.  Just ask Olivia Munn.  But as the maker of such cinematic genius as After the Sunset and Double Take a storyteller Brett Ratner I should have been much more (what's the word for when you think?) thoughtful about how much the entire world hangs on everything Brett Ratner says the power of language and my choice of (What's the word for those things in sentences?) words.

P.S. I've got to go.  There's fresh Hollywood meat waiting for me in my bedroom, and she's got an ass you can bounce a $100 off of. 

Stupid Interview Questions - Occupational Hazard edition

Success in Hollywood is based on your ability to crush the heart, soul and spirit of your nemesis.  But it's not something you openly discuss and certainly not with a potential employer.  Or perhaps it is?

Thanks to one of my loyal readers, I have today's Stupid Interview Question:

Would you step over everyone in this office to get to the top?

The correct answer to this is, "Everyone but you. And that's because you're already in my rear view mirror."  But feel free to think of your own responses and post them below.

If you have a Stupid Interview Question to share, please send it to TempX@tempdiaries.com or put it in the "Overheard in Hollywood" box to the left. All submissions will remain anonymous.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Hollywood Reporter is pleased to introduce the very white, very male "Top 35 under 35"

The more things don't change at The Hollywood Reporter, the more they stay the same.

The magazine/website/Twitter feed released their annual Top 35 Hollywood execs under 35 the other day.  And guess what?  It was dominated by white men.

To those who are saying, "Gosh. This all sounds so familiar.  Where do I know this from?"  I would respond by saying. "My blog from last year."

This year's list featured an unimpressive gender balance of 26 men and 9 women. This is even worse than last year's numbers of 24 men and 11 women.  And as for any sort of ethnic diversity, fuhgeddaboudit.  While I can't be certain of the racial background of all the nominees, by my estimates no fewer than 30 people (or 85%) are white.

Keep up the good work.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Kim Kardashian's Message To Her Fans (the one with tracked changes)

By now you've probably seen the open letter Kim Kardashian posted regarding her divorce from Kris Humphries.  It's a lovely letter that offers all the sentiment that one might expect from someone as worldly and well read as Kim Kardashian's publicists Jill Fritzo and Noelle Keshishian at PMK*BNC.

Well, before every final copy, there's a rough draft.  And my sources tell me that Kim was insistent she give it a go before her PR handlers cleaned it up and posted it.

Thanks to those same sources, I now have that draft combined with Kim's notes and the changes that became her final break-up manifesto.


This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to make my publicist re-write write. I see all of the (what's the word when people like you?) support and I am so thankful for my sponsors, customers, fans, friends and family who are managing my career helping me through this highly-predictable difficult time.

Do I have to keep writing? Can't I just do this on Twitter?

I am trying not to read all the different (what's the word for that show the cute guy Brian Williams is on?) media reports but it’s hard not to see all the (what's the word for really, really bad?) negative ones.  First and foreskin foremost, I married for ratings and because Ryan Seacrest told me to love. I can’t believe I even have to (what did my daddy do for O.J.?) defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show (because I was busy doing...err...answer this later)! I share so much of my life on a "reality" reality show, that (what's a fancy word for thinking that'll make me sound smart) contemplating whether to even film my wedding for just $6 million was a tough decision to make but when they bumped it up to $12 million, I said 'ok', and maybe it turned out to not be the smartest decision because the ratings weren't what we'd hoped. But it’s who I am as we all saw in the x-rays of my bottom! We filmed Kourtney giving birth, (Whatsherface? The tall one?) Khloe getting married, my porno with Ray J and his awesome penis, God damn, I miss that thing, break ups, make ups, money shots, our best moments and our worst moments. These were all real moments, as real as the nose on my face before I had it tweaked. (Make me sound real here, but still slightly above the losers who watch my show) That’s what makes us who we are. We share Reggie Bush with that slut Melissa Molinaro, we give and receive oral, we love Danilo Gallinari and we are open to every position!

Everyone ('Who' or 'that'? Fuck it, no one has read this far anyway) that knows me knows that I’m hopeless a hopeless romantic! I love that $2 million ring with all of my heart and soul. I want to televise a family and (the little thing that Kourtney has) babies and a "real" real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon, again the ratings for the wedding were less than the season premiere. Plus he's not even the best player on his team. I believed in love and the (stuff that happens when I'm sleeping. You know, where I wake up and I'm naked in Yankee Stadium with Derek Jeter and the Pope) dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a (What's that thingy at Disneyland that rolls and coasts?) fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off (ha ha! I said 'get off') when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hookah hoopla and the (Can I just blame the whole thing on E! here?) filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.

I’m being (What's the word when you're not lying about everything?) honest here and I hope you respect my (something that makes me sound like that female boxer chick Hilary Swank played, but without eating the tongue) courage because this isn’t easy to go through. But I do know basic math that I have to follow my heart. I never had the (planning ahead thingy) intention of hurting anybody except maybe the tall guy and I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions except for all the stuff that's making E! and Kohl's mad at me, and for taking everyone on this waste of time journey with me. It just didn’t turn out to be the tooth fairy fairy tale I had so badly hoped for.

Fuckin' A. This is such a goddamn waste of time. I've got reservations at BOA for 7:30.

There are also (stuff that happens on that show with the cute guy from 'Saved by the Bell') reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true, it was closer to $18 million and it makes me so sad to have to even Claritin clarify this. I’m so smiley face grateful to everyone who took the time to come to my the thing we filmed in Montecito wedding and do it for scale and I’ll be donating the money for all the gifts to some group of losers the Dream Foundation. This means I get the tax write off and you don't.

I’m sorry if I have hurt anyone, but my dad (Don't talk about the O.J. thingy here. People seem to think he might have done it.) always told me to follow my heart I believe now that I really am.

I'm having open auditions for my next boyfriend next week at the Beverly Hilton, Conference Room 2D.  So if you're between the ages of 21-35 and have a net worth of at least $10 million, come on down. It's for my newest show, "Who wants to marry a Kardashian?"
P.S. Suck it Paris.