Monday, January 31, 2011

Overheard in Hollywood

Have you overheard a Hollywood exec bask in their own "brilliance" or utter something completely inane?  Feel free to share it with your friends.  Send it along to or to submit it anonymously, use the Temp Z feature in the left hand column.  Then I'll post them and make them look sillier than they already are.  Here's one that I liked.
"I'm the best agent in this town, my work speaks for itself. This place could fire me and I would just walk across the street into open arms."
It'll be fun.  Start sending 'em.

Another Day in Hollywood: The One about the Promotion

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Cause and Effect

At my Temp gig yesterday, the person I was replacing remarked, "I've just been throwing up all day. I can't keep anything down.  It's something that's been going around."  She then coughed and left me to take over in what was certainly a germ-infested workspace.

Guess how I'm feeling today.  If you said sick, you win.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

An Open Letter to Local News Stations

I thought I saw someone get killed last night on TV.  Not fake, CSI: Miami killed.  I'm talking real, end of life killed.  And it all happened live on KCAL 9 News. 

If you've lived in Los Angeles for any period of time, you've probably seen a local news channel interrupt programming to broadcast a car chase.  Some drunken idiot or car thief hops in a late model Toyota Camry and thinks he/she can outrun a police helicopter and 10 CHP officers.  Flying shotgun are the news copters to follow every mile and every minute of the pursuit.  The broadcasts of these chases offer sensational action, real-life drama and should cease immediately.

Last night a DUI suspect sped out through Pasadena, Duarte and beyond for 45 minutes.  At one point, the driver even stopped to argue with the cops before taking off again.  About 10 minutes later, the driver shot past a stoplight and T-boned a car sending both of them 30 feet or so past the intersection.  The impact crushed the driver's side of innocent person's car creating something that looked like a croissant with wheels.  It was horrific.

I'm relieved to say the AP reported the innocent woman is hospitalized with moderate injuries. I only say relieved because I was certain she was killed.  The news anchors did nothing to quell these fears as they reported the driver was non-responsive.  The network simply replayed the chase again and again (save the exact moment of impact) until they left for reruns of Entourage.

But the question I have is, "Are these broadcasts necessary?"  Is there news value here?  I'm certain the answer is "No."  It's a ratings grab disguised as a public service.  The perpetrator, had he not hit another car, would likely be considered a low-level criminal.  He'd get charged for a series of traffic violations, DUI, resisting or other things.  So in the scope of newsworthy criminality, he's about as interesting as a shoplifter with a faster getaway device.  The only news and likely significant legal breach happens at the moment of impact.  And if a horrific outcome is the only thing that justifies the broadcast, well, isn't that the dumbest thing you've ever heard?

I'll admit I've watched my fair share of chases.  To me it always felt like a video game but with better graphics.  But after what transpired last evening, I'll never watch another.  Honestly I'm ashamed that I ever watched them before.  I also hope the networks reconsider their editorial position because these chases are not news, it's infotainment with real consequences.  They have no place on TV.

Here's an editorial idea these networks should consider with events like this - it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Still not real Ari
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: Since moving to LA, I met a few crucial people who worked at WME2 and I landed an interview with the music department. That was in September.  Since then, I have called in every week or two and sent follow up emails. My whole goal in life is to be a member of the WME2 family.  Any suggestions? 

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  I have spoken with the fake legal department of Fake WME2, and we are considering getting a fake restraining order against you.  But seriously, time for some tough love.  STOP CALLING.  Fake Ari can't put it any more succinctly than that.  You may have a tremendous desire work at WME2, but weekly calls and emails move your candidacy from the "Maybe When The Recession Is Over" pile right into the "Not Ever" pile.

The one thing Fake Ari can do is explain the process of becoming an agent.  I don't want to because I have to yell at the Hollywood Foreign Press about ripping WME2 client Ricky Gervais.  But I will.

All agents start off as assistants.  So the trick is getting in the door, even as a...excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little...a temp.  Once you get hired on full time, and after a year of catering to someone's every whim, they'll let you apply to the agent training program.  If you're accepted, this usually entails a demotion to mail room for a year of sorting people's mail.  If you survive the countless paper cuts, you'll move back to being an assistant in your area of interest.  If you don't screw that up, you'll get promoted to co-ordinator, junior agent and finally, if you don't suffer a massive panic attack, agent.  Then I'll have you fired.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I just moved here from out of state and I am starting to make good contacts. People are asking for a resume and I was wondering if outside industry experience, specifically construction, belongs on a resume. I was assisting people, but in a much different capacity. Any advice?  If not, go F yourself.

I've had people killed for lesser reasons
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: I like your moxie.  Not many people have the balls to insult Fake Ari...wait one second, gotta tell my assistant something..."Hey slave!  I've got someone else to whack.  Some prick just told me to 'F myself.'  Call my brother and get Panetta's number at the CIA.  He'll know what to do"...So to answer your question, put it on there.  What I've heard people with outside experience do is separate Entertainment experience from Non-Entertainment experience.  Of course list everything you've done in Hollywood first because nothing is more important than what we do.

Oh, and if you're out walking and you hear a rustling in the bushes, it's certainly not a sharpshooter with a Remington 700 SPS Tactical .223 rifle with a Simmons Blazer 3-9X40 scope and a laser pointer.  But I also wouldn't stop to check it out.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Golden Blog

I dislike award shows.  I'm certain some of the reason is jealousy.  I want someone to pay for me to get dressed up, get drunk and have countless people from publications I've never heard of heap praise on me.   But I'm stuck at home, barely employed, watching Hollywood's most popular celebrate their popularity.  So yes, I'm a voyeur to those I envy.  My self loathing knows no boundaries.

I've cracked open the first what will certainly be many St. Pauli Girl Special Darks.  If I should happen to finish the remaining nine from my 12 pack, I have some tequila that (this is not a joke) stolen from my former employer that'll serve as back up.  If I write particularly good joke, I might even reward myself with a shot too.

One last thing.  I'm probably gonna get a little tipsy during this.  So please forgive the typos.  I'll fix them later.  And now, on to what's left of the pregame show...

  • Holy crap.  Carson Daly still has a career?  And geez does he look gaunt.  When is the last time he ate?  Meth is a bitch.  Tara Reid and Carson wouldn't be quite as pretty of a couple these days, eh?
  • Sorry.  Got distracted staring at Anne Hathaway's ass.
  • How does Jimmy Fallon get invited to these events?  You'd think I'd get an invite before he does.  Hollywood is so unfair.  Of course you already knew that.
  • And now an ad for a product I'll never be able to afford based on my Hollywood wages - a Cadillac.  On that subject, I'm starting to get my tax documents for 2010.  Looks like I'm well on my way to making less than $20k for the year.  Anyone wanna hire me out of pity?
  • Oh.  Just got reminded that I still want to date Natalie Morales.
  • Beer 1 done.  Clearly talking about my job status drives me to drink quicker.
2 1/2 heads
  • Starting off with a Charlie Sheen joke.  Fish, barrel?  Meet gun. 
  • Clearly Ricky Gervais has gone from being rich, to having "Fuck You" money.  Because he just said "Fuck You" to a whole bunch of people...including Scientology.  Let's hope he has a good investment adviser
  • Christian Bale just started yelling at a member of the HFPA.  Something about wanting to "kick their fucking ass."
  • So much censoring of the show already.  I've heard bad words before.  I went to a public high school.
  • Woah!  There's been a Piper Perabo sighting.  I thought she did Coyote Ugly and then disappeared into oblivion.  Shows what I know.
  • Am I the only one who things Ron Perlman is perhaps the weirdest looking leading actor?  Seriously.  His head is ginormous.
  • Ok.  I'm getting buzzed because I just used "ginormous."
  • And to the announcer, this isn't the "party of the year."  The party of the year is in my apartment watching this mess.
  • And now, for the category no one cares about, "Best Mini Series."
  • Ugh.  I can't understand a word this guy is saying.  I just put on Closed Captions.  It too has no idea what the winner of Mini Series just said. Mercifully they're playing him off.
  • Oh boy,  Chris Noth took his hair in for an extra shellacking today.  And yes, I know first hand that he dyes his hair.  In related news, I know first hand that he's kind of a turd.
  • Wait. The guy from Glee is gay?  I thought he was just a eunuch.
  • Beer 2 is over.  Just in time for Michelle Pfieffer to explain why Alice In Wonderland was good.  I saw it.  It sucked.  
  • Eva Longoria once said she "would never do another TV show after Desperate Housewives."  I just think that's interesting because that's gonna change.   
  • Hey, the funny looking guy from Fargo won for a show no one really likes or watches.
  • Dammit.  I have an eyelash in my eye.
  • And yes.  Mila Jovovovovitch still looks fantastic.  But it appears she's standing at about a 15 degree angle.  How does she do it?  Perhaps she's drunk?  Or perhaps I am and they're standing upright?  I'll never know.
  • Andrew Garfield should stick to the cue cards?  Oh, wait.  He stuck to the cue cards.  And still has a few problems.  Time to call Hooked on Phonics.
  • Alec Baldwin is just trying to get laid.  J.Lo's best days are about 10 years past.
  • The comic team of Baldwin and Lopez makes your average episode of CSI: Miami look damn hilarious.
  • If Matt Damon gets front table seating, where is Affleck? I'm guessing close to the emergency exit. Or in the kitchen?
  • Oh, go Trent!!!!!!!!!!  You go girl!  I saw you back on the Downward Spiral Tour and it ranks as one of the top five concerts I've ever seen.  And you made Bowie look like an amateur.  Score one for the bad asses.
  • And now, Beer #4.  This might even include a look at Nikki Finke and her press release heavy blog.  But first, a musical interlude from Trent.

Not Al Pacino
  • I need more beer in me to deal with Bieber.  Oh.  I also need to pee.  But no one's interested in that.
  • Wait. Annette Bening is still alive?  And more shocking is her husband hasn't cheated on her such that she chooses to leave him.
  • Robert Downey waxes his eyebrows.
  • My friend says The Kids are Alright sucked.  Well, she actually said she was disappointed that a lesbian decided she was straight or falling in love or something. I don't know.  I didn't see it.  Who cares?
  • Fuck, they're back with more awards.  This means I have to write more.  Kill me.
  • Last year the Golden Globes required seven beers.  I suppose this means I'm half way through?
  • Looks like Nikki Finke fell asleep at the switch.  She's still on the Glee award.  Or as I call it, Beer #2.  She's an idiot.
  • I think I've said this before, but I saw Pacino when I was temping at CAA.  He looked exactly like Steve Van Zandt.  Looks like he's lost a few pounds.  Ok, now he can shut up.  Blah blah blah.
  • Hey.  The one who didn't go "full retard" won.  FYI Claire Danes, HBO (a Time Warner company) didn't take a risk making that movie.  That's not living on the edge.  If TWX bought back AOL, that would be living on the edge.
  • Wait.  Unless I'm drunk.  I just saw an ad for NBC's new reality show about forming the next best fast food restaurant.  Antithetical to NBC's other program, The Biggest Loser. Right?
  • I wonder if people in England like Ricky Gervais?
  • Steve Carell's hair is fake.  Just watch Season 1 of The Office.  Then you'll know what I'm talking about.
  • Aaron Sorkin just won.  I just did a line of coke in his honor.  Just kidding.  I can't afford cocaine.
  • Uh oh.  Ed O'Neill's gonna be pissed about Jane Lynch winning.
  • Time for Beer #?  Wait, what beer is this?  Oh, #5.
I need another outfit.
  • How is it that my bladder knew that it was time to pee just as the foreign language film came on.  It's clairvoyant.
  • I thought The King's Speech needed a bit more humanity. Or something. For example, if Geoffrey Rush's son had been a member of the British Army, then there would have been a bit more tension to Colin Firth announcing that they're going to war.
  • Blair Underwood is a robot.  A good looking robot. But a robot nonetheless.
  • When I was a kid, I used to think that when someone accepted an award on someone's behalf it meant they kept it.  Now I'm certain they do.
  • Whoopie f-ing dooo.  It's Jane Fonda.  Who cares?  Plus she looks like Tina Turner from Mad Max.  That's right.  I just gave fashion advice.
  • Hey.  Jim Parsons won. Not that any one cares, but he was my old next door neighbor.  Jim, tell Otis (his dog) I said "Hi." This is as close as I'll get to fame.  Crap.
  • Wow.  Could Jeremy Irons sound more pompous?  The correct answer is "no."
  • Yeah.  I now officially hate Matt Damon.  Or at least his writers.  "I've been too busy making movies."  Now shut up.  Just give him the award and walk away.  #mindlessvessel
  • Too much Chris Noth for my taste.
  • About time to play De Niro off.  No seriously.  Please play him off now.
Howard Stern and some dude.
  • Hi.  So I just realized that Mila Kunis was nominated for Golden Globe.  Somewhere Danny Masterson is super pissed.  My guess is he's working at Astro Burger.
  • I don't know what Glee just won for.  I can only assume it was Best Comedy/Musical for 2009 because it certainly can't be for this season.
  • And if anyone cares, I just dove headlong into chips and salsa.  I guess that means there's nothing for breakfast tomorrow.
  • Does anyone remember than Paul Giamatti was in Howard Stern's movie Private Parts?  Yes. He played Pig Vomit.
  • So, I just spent three hours watching an ad for Rango with a bunch of self-important actors yammering in between.  Luckily beer exists.
  • If I ever call anything I write a "labor of love" please hit me over the head with a tire iron.  When you're done doing that, hit me over the head with a tire iron again. #sanctimonious
  • Hey, you.  Ara Keshishian.  I don't care if Natalie Portman just thanked you. You're still a complete prick.  Just ask anyone.  Especially those who have worked in and around you.  That's right.  I'm drunk and I don't care.
  • Uh. Oh.  I just re-read my previous posts.  I'll never get a job in this town.  Kinda like where I am right now.
  • Time for BEER #7.  Let's hope it's the last one.
Call me?
  • Sandra Bullock is doing her best to look like Lea Michele...if Lea Michele had an incredible amount of Botox.
  • I don't understand the joke that Colin Firth just made. Is it because I'm drunk, or because his joke sucked?  I'm gonna blame him.
  • Oh.  Pinch me.  Or punch me?  They're having a surprise presenter for Best Picture.  Unless it's Cindy Crawford making out with Elle MacPherson, chances are it's not gonna be that great.  Or perhaps it's the Pope.  That would be amusing.
  • And the surprise presenter is...Michael Douglas.  Consider me underwhelmed. 
  • Well, The Social Network won.  About as surprising as the sun rising in the East tomorrow.  What to do with the other half of my beer?  Chug-a-lug.

      Friday, January 14, 2011

      Headshot of the Week: Christina Bibby

      It's Headshot of the Week time again. Headshot of the Week is a way for actors to get their pictures and resumes in front of those hiring or looking for clients. To be considered, send a copy (.jpg or .pdf) of your headshot, credits and contact info to I'll take it from there. Of course, be smart about what contact info you provide as this info will be out there for all to see.

      Today's candidate is Christina Bibby. She can be reached through her manager Fran Blain 310-801-9047.

      Thursday, January 13, 2011

      Great Moments In Product Placement History: The Top 10 for 2010

      Am I in an ad or a TV show?
      Nielsen recently issued their Top Trends of 2010.  Most of the findings you either already knew (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo sold really well) or didn't care about (Snacks/Spreads/Dip-Dairy sales grew 9.3%).  But the golden morsel is a ranking of network shows with the most product placements.  In an funny twist, this is the only Nielsen Top 10 list featuring any shows from NBC.  In fact, the Peacock grabbed three of top four spots.  The ghost of Ben Silverman lives on.

      Here's the top 10 shows in terms of total placements for 2010.*  Now you know what drives your cravings for Coke, Subway, Sears and 1-800-Flowers.  [Note: Nielsen didn't do the episode count or shills per episode.  I did because I was curious as to what those numbers would be.  If my math is right, Celebrity Apprentice has one placement for every two minutes of program time.  Eeek!]
      1. American Idol - 657 placements (43 ep.) - 15.3/episode
      2. The Jay Leno Show - 507 placements (24 ep.) - 21.1/episode
      3. The Celebrity Apprentice - 503 placements (21 ep.) - 24/episode
      4. The Biggest Loser - 486 placements (28 ep.) - 17.4/episode
      5. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - 382 placements (19 ep.) - 20.1/episode
      6. America’s Next Top Model - 373 placements (23 ep.) - 16.2/episode
      7. The Amazing Race 16 - 325 placements (21 ep.) - 15.5/episode
      8. America’s Got Talent - 274 placements (31 ep.) - 8.8/episode
      9. Dancing with the Stars - 270 placements (37 ep.) - 7.3/episode
      10. Undercover Boss - 214 placements (18 ep.) - 11.9/episode

      I'd make a closing joke here, but I'm pretty sure the joke is already on us.

      *Source: The Nielsen Company. Note: Data from Jan. 1 - Nov. 21, 2010, Broadcast Primetime Networks (includes ABC, CBS, CW, FOX, NBC). First-run episodes only. As a result of coding enhancements implemented in 2009, occurrence counts now reflect the total number of show segments in which a brand/product appears or is mentioned.

      Monday, January 10, 2011


      After months of tinkering, I am proud to announce the launch of my new site Mondays Kick Ass (  Inspired by the success of Therapy Corner, Mondays Kick Ass is a site where users from any industry can anonymously rant about their job, idiot boss or foolish co-workers.  If you have nothing to add yet (trust me, you will), but could use a laugh, just peruse the ever-growing collection of other people's office-related pain.  Just remember when you need to vent, this is the site for that.

      But that's not all!  When you're done complaining about your employer, you can search for work in nearly 20 sectors in a collection of industry-specific sites.  Or if you just want to waste a few minutes, I've compiled a collection of fun stuff like games and office arts & crafts.  You can even take a desk vacation to exotic locales like Hawaii, New Orleans, London or Rio.

      I could spend a whole lot of time explaining the site, but it's easier if you check  If you want to anonymously post comic tales from your job (300 characters or less), click the Share Your Pain tab.

      I hope you like it.  Please tell your friends.

      Useless Survey: Which celeb has the worst toupee? [RESULTS]

      I didn't vote, but I would have picked Piven.
      Jeremy Piven -- 18%
      John Travolta -- 25%
      Nicolas Cage -- 44%
      William Shatner -- 11%
      If you have any recommendations for useless surveys, send them to me at

      Wednesday, January 5, 2011

      The Nikki Finke Press Release Counter

      Alvin whores himself out for crack
      After 254 days, I've given up hope.  Darling Nikki will never let us know what the Chipmunks' legal troubles are with 20th Century Fox.  She's such a tease.  I can only assume Alvin, Simon and Theodore were attempting to smuggle cocaine past airport security in their cute little cheeks.  But fear not journalism purists.  For I have started a new feature -- the Nikki Finke Press Release Counter.

      No respectable reporter takes a press release and posts it as is.  They make phone calls to the company, check with experts and write the story.  You know...Journalism 101.  But that's where Darling Nikki breaks the mold as she posts them all the time.  That's what $14 million gets you, an editor who can hit CTRL + A, CTRL + C and CTRL + V.

      For the rest of 2011 (or until I stop writing this blog, whichever comes first), I will keep track of how many press releases Nikki posts in the aptly named Nikki Finke Press Release Counter.  This feature can be found in the right-hand column.  We're only three business days into 2011 and the count is already at six.  This may not seem like a lot if you're not hip to journalism, but I'm guessing it's six more than the NY Times has run since it began printing 160 years ago.

      Let the counting begin...

      Tuesday, January 4, 2011

      Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

      Still not real Ari
      Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at

      *Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

      Welcome to Hollywood!
      ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I'm a recent college grad looking for an assistant position in Hollywood.  Should I include my college sorority involvement on my resume?

      FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Is it one of the good sororities?  If so, yes.  But if it's one of the crappy ones (and you know what I mean) then no.  

      Actually, Fake Ari is going to be serious for a moment.  No one in Hollywood cares what fraternity or sorority you were in.  It doesn't matter if you were President, Fall Rush Chair or Hazer-in-Chief.  The second you get your diploma, your affiliation with the Panhellenic Council is meaningless.  In fact, your Greek affiliation meant nothing even when you were in just didn't know it then.  That said, certain things acquired in the Greek system like pain tolerance and faux sincerity are very useful in Hollywood.  Don't lose those skills.

      Lazy picture idea
      ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  Howdy.  I love your blog!  I was just wondering what's the story behind keeping your resume to one page long if you're under 30?

      FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First of all, no one starts a conversation with Fake Ari with "Howdy."  This isn't one of those "flyover states."  This is Hollywood.  Call me "Mr. Fake Emanuel." 

      There are two answers to your question:
      1. You haven't accomplished a goddamn thing yet.  Here's a rule of thumb: if the word "Assistant" is somewhere in your title or job description -- one page.
      2. People in Hollywood can't read.

      Monday, January 3, 2011

      "My life in Hollywood sucks" - January Calendar

      Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.