Friday, January 21, 2011

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Still not real Ari
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.


ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: Since moving to LA, I met a few crucial people who worked at WME2 and I landed an interview with the music department. That was in September.  Since then, I have called in every week or two and sent follow up emails. My whole goal in life is to be a member of the WME2 family.  Any suggestions? 

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  I have spoken with the fake legal department of Fake WME2, and we are considering getting a fake restraining order against you.  But seriously, time for some tough love.  STOP CALLING.  Fake Ari can't put it any more succinctly than that.  You may have a tremendous desire work at WME2, but weekly calls and emails move your candidacy from the "Maybe When The Recession Is Over" pile right into the "Not Ever" pile.

The one thing Fake Ari can do is explain the process of becoming an agent.  I don't want to because I have to yell at the Hollywood Foreign Press about ripping WME2 client Ricky Gervais.  But I will.

All agents start off as assistants.  So the trick is getting in the door, even as a...excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little...a temp.  Once you get hired on full time, and after a year of catering to someone's every whim, they'll let you apply to the agent training program.  If you're accepted, this usually entails a demotion to mail room for a year of sorting people's mail.  If you survive the countless paper cuts, you'll move back to being an assistant in your area of interest.  If you don't screw that up, you'll get promoted to co-ordinator, junior agent and finally, if you don't suffer a massive panic attack, agent.  Then I'll have you fired.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I just moved here from out of state and I am starting to make good contacts. People are asking for a resume and I was wondering if outside industry experience, specifically construction, belongs on a resume. I was assisting people, but in a much different capacity. Any advice?  If not, go F yourself.

I've had people killed for lesser reasons
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: I like your moxie.  Not many people have the balls to insult Fake Ari...wait one second, gotta tell my assistant something..."Hey slave!  I've got someone else to whack.  Some prick just told me to 'F myself.'  Call my brother and get Panetta's number at the CIA.  He'll know what to do"...So to answer your question, put it on there.  What I've heard people with outside experience do is separate Entertainment experience from Non-Entertainment experience.  Of course list everything you've done in Hollywood first because nothing is more important than what we do.

Oh, and if you're out walking and you hear a rustling in the bushes, it's certainly not a sharpshooter with a Remington 700 SPS Tactical .223 rifle with a Simmons Blazer 3-9X40 scope and a laser pointer.  But I also wouldn't stop to check it out.

2 comments:

alexander said...

Whats the matter pussy, can't handle a .308?

alexander said...

...Oh yeah, and thanks.

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