Thursday, October 27, 2011

A Halloween Tradition -- The Nikki Finke Mask: Part 3

Snooki is already scary! Now there's a costume
[This probably looks a lot like last year's post. That's because it is]

Halloween is just around the corner.  But if you haven't had time to figure out what to wear for your office costume contest, the Temp Diaries is here to help.

Welcome to my annual tradition that is the Nikki Finke mask.  The costume is brilliant in its simplicity.  The instructions and everything else you need are below.  Now go scare the shit out of your co-workers with this ghoulish photo.  And then, to really freak them out, tell them it's Nikki Finke.  Just make sure you know CPR.

Happy Halloween!!


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Do these pants make
my ego look big?
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a 31-year-old career changer now doing film and media, and I have been applying for various jobs and sending out over 200 resume/demo reel submissions in Los Angeles and nationwide.  The problem is that I haven't heard back from anyone, and my "contacts" who are actual working professionals in LA and NYC have not thrown any work my way.  I have been networking through friends, cold calling, begging random people in the biz, using online job forums and basically doing everything that I can to find something so I can move down to LA.  Everyone tells me to just move and I will find something.

Can you give me some advice or maybe point me in the right direction?

Movin' on up.
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari is going to give you a quick quiz.  Are you ready?

#1 -- Do you live in Los Angeles?
#2 -- Do you have access to $50 million in investment capital?
#3 -- Are you related to anyone famous?
#4 -- Do you have any blackmail material on any important Hollywood executive?
#5 -- Are you me?

If you answered "No" to all these questions, and I'm certain that you did, then you have no chance in hell of getting a job out here unless you move here.  This town is littered with people just like you.  Plus with the California unemployment rate of 12.1%, the line for whatever job you think you're qualified for has a line 100 people deep.

So shit or get off the pot.  See you soon.

Happy Hour at CAA
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I just graduated from college, and I'm getting tired of interning at production companies. I'm desperate, and I want to work at an agency, specifically CAA. Basically, do you know where the assistants hang out after hours? I'm ready to go network my butt off. Do you think that would even work?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari is always amazed that so many people want to work at CAA.  Their offices have all the aesthetic design of a mausoleum.  Plus, do you remember a certain show called Entourage?  Would you like to guess what agency that's based on?  If you said CAA, you're wrong.  If you guessed ICM, Paradigm, Gersh or UTA, you're still wrong.  It's based on me...I mean WME.

But to answer your question, CAA assistants hang out at CAA after hours because they're shackled to their desks.  They'll work your fingers, not just until they bleed, but until there's nothing left but a stump...starting at your wrist.

As for Part 2 of your question, the answer is "perhaps but doubtful." The one thing the assistants can tell you about are the positions that are open or coming open.  But if you think they have any influence in the hiring process, you're too stupid to work in this town anyway.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Is Johnny Depp a fan of Temp X?

It's been brought to my attention by the reporter at Variety I like, Josh Dickey (Twitter: @Variety_JLD), that a certain mega-movie star named Johnny Depp has a tattoo on his forearm that looks eerily similar to my logo.  Upon further investigation, I found that he received this tattoo in 2010, nearly two years after my logo was in place.

Coincidence?  I think not.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

PR 101 with TNT & WB

PR is a pretty easy job.  I know this first hand.  The rules are pretty simple: Know your audience, write to that audience and, for God's sake, don't say anything stupid.

Now Larry Hagman recently announced that he's been diagnosed with cancer.  And this is terrible news.  It's totally understandable and expected that TNT and Warner Bros would want to issue a statement about this because he's involved in the upcoming Dallas reboot.  But, as you'll see, they quickly violated the "don't say anything stupid" code.

Below I've posted their official statement about Hagman.  Somehow they managed to combine a "we're sending our thoughts his way" sentiment with a "don't forget to watch the show" plug...
"Everyone at Warner Horizon Television, TNT and the entire Dallas family completely supports Larry Hagman during this time. We look forward to watching Larry once again work his magic by bringing one of television's most interesting, complex and controversial characters back to the screen in the new Dallas series."
Is it me, or is the only thing that's missing is the date and time of the premiere?

Monday, October 17, 2011

The 2011 Brown List

The day you hoped for/feared is here.  The 2011 Brown List is complete.  A few interesting stats:
  • Total nominations increased by more than 4,000 over last year.
  • The winner of the Most-Liked executive won with 768 nominations, 323 more votes than Edward Frumkes got last year when he was crowned king.
  • The "winner" of the Least-Liked executive garnered 2,843 nominations, 1,726 more than 2010 when CAA sports agent Pat Brisson won the title.
I will not spoil any more surprises.  So now, please scroll down for the Brown List.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

And the winner isn't...

Well, shit.  It appears as though I'm not among the 10 most important assistants in Hollywood.  Variety came out with their list and I didn't make the cut.  Actually that's not entirely true.

In a Twitter exchange with Variety's Jeff Sneider, he said...well...I'll let the Tweet explain it:

I had the most votes of anyone but still lost.  It's like the 2000 election all over again, and I'm Al Gore.  Which means everyone who won is like George W. Bush.  This does not bode well for Hollywood's future.

But I will be magnanimous in defeat.  As such, I will now deliver my concession speech:

First of all, I'd like to thank Variety for giving me the opportunity to run for the their vaunted, albeit arbitrary, title of "Ten assistants to Watch."  It is an honor to be considered among those who can roll calls, make photocopies and retrieve coffee with the best of them.  While these people, just like me, can be replaced by a speed dial button, a mouse click and a Keurig B30 (retail price $59), we are not.  And we do it all with a smile despite our paltry pay of $14/hr.

I'd also like to thank everyone who voted for me.  Your respect and loyalty to someone you've never met is impressive and I am honored and humbled by it.  Of course, if you ever met me, you'd probably want nothing to do with me much less vote for me.  So that's sort of a weird paradox.  

I'd also like to thank my parents, because if I'd listened to them, I'd be making a six-figure salary and probably be well on my way to buying a home.  Wait.  This doesn't make any sense at all.  Skip that point.

As special thanks to my temp pimps for all of's not really diligence...average (yes, that'll work) efforts at finding me employment.

Finally there's California EDD. Without you I'd have to gamble away my own money at Santa Anita.  And who's silly enough to do that?

It's been a long, winding, twisting, moebius strip of a road in Hollywood.  I've been here for more than six years and not a day goes by that I don't wake up and think, "What the fuck am I still doing here?"  Then I look at the national unemployment figures and realize that everyone is screwed everywhere.  Plus I know where the liquor store is here.

Anyway, while I cannot claim victory in the Variety's quasi-survey, I can say with certainty that I am still a winner.  I have a roof over my head, a bottle of cheap vodka in the freezer, a stolen copy of the second season of Arrested Development, a dog who periodically pays attention to me and a few people who read my blog for entertainment purposes.

Sure this won't get me invited to the shindig of a dinner Variety's Top 10 get to go to, but fuck 'em.  I have you guys.  And I'd rather have that than convention chicken any day of the week.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Who do you love...or hate

Only one more day to get in your nominations for the 2011 Brown List. So get in your choices today.  Click here to vote.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Hindsight is 36/24/36

And the co-winners for the "Duh" award are Hugh Hefner and The Playboy Club executive producer Brian Grazer.

You can't do a show about sex and drugs without showing sex and drugs.  And you can't show sex and drugs on network TV.  Did no one learn any lessons from Swingtown?  And that show was actually interesting.

It's not that I'm smart, it's that I know they're stupid.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

"My life in Hollywood sucks" -- October calendar

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.