Tuesday, October 11, 2011

And the winner isn't...

Well, shit.  It appears as though I'm not among the 10 most important assistants in Hollywood.  Variety came out with their list and I didn't make the cut.  Actually that's not entirely true.

In a Twitter exchange with Variety's Jeff Sneider, he said...well...I'll let the Tweet explain it:

I had the most votes of anyone but still lost.  It's like the 2000 election all over again, and I'm Al Gore.  Which means everyone who won is like George W. Bush.  This does not bode well for Hollywood's future.

But I will be magnanimous in defeat.  As such, I will now deliver my concession speech:

First of all, I'd like to thank Variety for giving me the opportunity to run for the their vaunted, albeit arbitrary, title of "Ten assistants to Watch."  It is an honor to be considered among those who can roll calls, make photocopies and retrieve coffee with the best of them.  While these people, just like me, can be replaced by a speed dial button, a mouse click and a Keurig B30 (retail price $59), we are not.  And we do it all with a smile despite our paltry pay of $14/hr.

I'd also like to thank everyone who voted for me.  Your respect and loyalty to someone you've never met is impressive and I am honored and humbled by it.  Of course, if you ever met me, you'd probably want nothing to do with me much less vote for me.  So that's sort of a weird paradox.  

I'd also like to thank my parents, because if I'd listened to them, I'd be making a six-figure salary and probably be well on my way to buying a home.  Wait.  This doesn't make any sense at all.  Skip that point.

As special thanks to my temp pimps for all of their...it's not really diligence...average (yes, that'll work) efforts at finding me employment.

Finally there's California EDD. Without you I'd have to gamble away my own money at Santa Anita.  And who's silly enough to do that?

It's been a long, winding, twisting, moebius strip of a road in Hollywood.  I've been here for more than six years and not a day goes by that I don't wake up and think, "What the fuck am I still doing here?"  Then I look at the national unemployment figures and realize that everyone is screwed everywhere.  Plus I know where the liquor store is here.

Anyway, while I cannot claim victory in the Variety's quasi-survey, I can say with certainty that I am still a winner.  I have a roof over my head, a bottle of cheap vodka in the freezer, a stolen copy of the second season of Arrested Development, a dog who periodically pays attention to me and a few people who read my blog for entertainment purposes.

Sure this won't get me invited to the shindig of a dinner Variety's Top 10 get to go to, but fuck 'em.  I have you guys.  And I'd rather have that than convention chicken any day of the week.


Anonymous said...

I voted for you and even e-mailed Jeff Sneider. He never got back to me. His response was lame. Who do you assist? That's easy...temps and assistants.

Anonymous said...

Are you going to say anything about finke use of snl clips as post.

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