Will this be CAA's response to the CAAN'T campaign launched by WME?

If so, I demand payment immediately. Or representation.

Nikki Finke's statement (the one with tracked changes)

(Courtesy: Sears Portrait Studio)

Depending on who you believe, after numerous years of incompetence and incontinence, Nikki Finke might have finally gotten the hook from Deadline.  Of course, she denies the whole thing in the non-denial denial she posted earlier today.  So one of these days, we'll find out the truth.  All we know for now is what she wrote on her site.

But as we've seen in the past with Reese Witherspoon, Brett Ratner and Kim Kardashian, every statement, no matter who they come from, have a first draft.  And Darling Nikki is no different.  Thanks to my sources, I've secured the version of this statement with tracked changes in red.  Enjoy.

Right now I am not going to discuss my Deadline Hollywood contract or my relationship with my boss Jay Penske.  Why?  Because I forgot what the terms were.  Turns out pot makes you forget things.  Who knew?!  Because I don’t have to. If that changes, I’ll tell you. (I also didn’t post about this imbecilic [word of the day.  Nailed it!] digital ad about me which my parent company ran without my knowledge in NYC’s Times Square all week during the recent TV upfronts. See below.) The fact is I’m out of town and about to begin my long-planned summer vacation.  It's just me and the cats going to Dollywood, if you must know.  And the last thing I want is to be bothered now by a bunch of media and/or moguls asking for comment.  Alright, the truth is the only people who've really asked are the guys who put out the Valpak. As it happens, I was napping just like when I slept through the Ben Silverman story.  Wait.  Maybe I shouldn't mention that in a different time zone, the Twilight Zone, when The Wrap (wait for it…play on words begins…now) crapped on me yet again Sunday night. Nothing new: the desperate, although strangely attractive, Sharon Waxman and her revolving door staff have been writing inaccurately about me for years, and doing it to drive traffic to her failing website (this feels like a run-on sentence), and refusing to correct even the most blatant errors. Last night Waxman sent a joint (Really? She's got a pot card too?) email (harshing my mellow) to my boss and myself at 6:43 PM.  She waited two whole minutes. Then she posted her story about us at 6:45 PM. That’s a rotten thing to do, not to mention bad journalism and if there's one thing I know, it's how to be a bad journalist, and she knows it. And it’s yet one more reason I call her website The Crap.  I just hope she doesn't remember that my last name is Finke.  That said, I could pick apart her so-called “shocker” line by line, but I won’t because it's all true. I’d much rather spend my remaining pre-vacation time writing up some great scoops to post this week except for anything bad about Paramount. They're fantastic!  Instead, I’ll simply correct one point from her article to illustrate what a bad reporter Waxman is [insert line about me not being fired, if that's true.  Check with Penske.].

I am stating for the record or, because I'm so old, the 8-track, that there is no truth to her claim that “the most recent conflict between Penske and Finke involved an email that Finke sent to two partners at UTA in the wake of losing a scoop, according to an individual with knowledge of the exchange. The scoop in question was a story in TheWrap about the talent agency seeking an equity investor. In an email to, among others, CEO Jeremy Zimmer, Finke threatened to “f—” the agency, according to the individual. The email was sent to Penske.”

That email doesn’t exist. I repeat, it doesn’t exist because I deleted it from my "Sent" folder.  Thus, it doesn't exist.  Right?. True, I’ve occasionally lost my temper and sent nasty emails to Hollywood.  I blame my Tourette's, even for my typing. And not once has Jay Penske ever complained to me about them. (He knows I’m a bitch. That’s why he bought me hook, line and sinker.) But I never sent the email described above.  That came from my evil twin, Mikki Finke. She'll be revealed in the new season of "Tilda"…coming soon to YouTube.  Here’s the entire email exchange between Deadline Hollywood and UTA that day.  I've deleted the part where I added my grocery list…for obvious reasons.  In fact, my colleague Mike Fleming (who last night penned or in modern parlance, typed and posted A Personal Note On Nikki Finke without my knowledge) was first to email UTA about the investment story. Only then did I get involved.  Mike is a bit of a douche…just don't tell him I said that.  He's very sensitive.  Please note my use of the word “please,” I learned at the feet of Emily Post, and no use of the word “f—”. As it happens, I didn’t write the UTA story that day because I got too busy running the site (I'm learning HTML at LACC) and also knew I needed to cool down and all the ditch weed in the world wasn't gonna fix that.

When "Grumpy Cat: The Movie" just isn't enough

Hollywood is at it again. This time Internet meme Grumpy Cat appears to be on the cusp of getting a movie deal.  This is not a joke.  Hollywood execs are that lazy and/or stupid when it comes to film making that the best they can come up with is a retread of Garfield, which is essentially Eeyore from  Winnie the Pooh.

Anyway, as long as nincompoop studios are lining up for animal movies, I have a few of my own I'd like to recommend.  Of course, if any of these get greenlit, I want upfront fees and points on the back end.

Chicken Car - The crazy antics of a crime-fighting poultrymobile.
Think Knight Rider with beaks.

Goldfish - A murder mystery in which Hercule Poirot must figure out which
identical twin fish killed and ate his crispy, cheddar-flavored brother.

 

Mexican Dog - No logline needed

To the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2013.....

I was recently asked to give the commencement address to the 2013 graduates of Chapman University.  I guess I could say I was pleased, but I would have much rather watched the Memphis/San Antonio game.  In the process of writing this speech, I realized Hollywood execs are smarter than first thought.  Turns out it's much easier to remake something than it is to start from scratch.  

Following is a transcript of that address... 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2013:

Sunscreen sucks.

If I could offer you only one tip for your future in Hollywood, skip the sunscreen. The short-term perks of a tan -- the healthy glow, tantalizing bikini lines -- have been proven time and again. The rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this nonsense now.

Sleep around.

It's fun. Everyone in Hollywood is good looking. When poolside at the Roosevelt, tell the model wannabe next to you that you're a producer on CSI: Miami. Then see what happens. Bottle service helps.

Vomit.

There's no better way to keep your body in shape than doing abdominal crunches while talking on the Porcelain telephone.

Be jealous.

This town is full of people who get things they don't deserve. Some day, that person might be you. And then you can look down on the masses and mock them.

Keep your old bank statements. Throw away your love letters. Only one of these is beneficial in divorce court.

Smoke cigarettes.

Parliament Lights. Marlboro Lights. Camel Lights. Any of them act as a fantastic appetite suppressant. Smoking makes you cool and it looks great on film. But don't smoke pot because it'll make you hungry.

Plagiarize.

Just tell everyone that your script is an homage to Chayefsky's Network, not a scene by-scene redo. (But hire a good lawyer just in case.)

Buy knee pads.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have an affair with the boss and get promoted. Maybe you'll accidentally get knocked up and have to have an abortion which your boss will put on his corporate AmEx and make you file the expense report. Maybe he'll go back to his wife because he can't afford a divorce in a communal property state especially in this economy.

Love is a relative term.

Whatever you do, don't ever stop self promotion. The key to success in Hollywood is convincing others of how great you are, even if it's not true.

Enhance your body.

If you see something sagging, bagging or dragging, it's best to nip it, tuck it and suck it. If God didn't want you to get plastic surgery, he wouldn't have invented Dr. 90210.

Lap Dance.

Because it pays more than temping and you'll meet more Hollywood executives that way.

Read the directions.

Because your boss's iPhone won't program itself.

Read fashion magazines. Inner beauty is for ugly people.

Get to know your parents. Because once you become a big Hollywood star, you'll blow them off in favor of partying at the Playboy mansion.

Be nice to your siblings. They've got dirt on you that they'll happily to sell to the National Enquirer if you screw them over.

Understand that Hollywood friends come and go because if they can't do anything for you, they're not worth your time. Plus it takes way too long to get from Santa Monica to Los Feliz.

Live in Hollywood once, but leave before you get stupid. Live in Burbank once, but leave before you get bored.

Drink heavily.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Reality programs are here to stay. Movie studio execs are mostly lazy. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, TV shows had scripts and some movies weren't remakes.

Suck up.

Nothing will get you further in Hollywood than kissing ass. Differentiate yourself by ass kissing in different ways such as the Spider-man Kiss ("You produced Spider-man 3? I love when Mary Jane sings!") and the French Canadian Kiss (It's like a regular kiss, but without union difficulties and with a better exchange rate.)

Find someone to support you. Maybe they have a trust fund. Maybe...oh it's probably a trust fund. But hold on with a vice grip because it's easier than working.

Use hair extensions because they look completely natural. Make sure you use a nice epoxy when installing them.

Advice is a way to helping others. Don't offer it. Dispense "recommendations" that won't work, because you don't want someone younger and with a higher, firmer butt passing you on the final lap.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Upfront, but already behind -- The CW

The CW...in better days

To absolutely no fanfare, The CW held their Upfronts yesterday.  At a potluck event, the sixth network (don't sleep on Univision) announced new shows featuring teen vampires or teen gnomes or teen winged unicorns or whatever the fuck they are.  The truth is no matter what they shove on to this network, it'll never draw less than a 1.5 and never more than a 1.9.  So that's nice.

Anyway, over the course of the 2013-14 season, The CW is adding six new programs - five dramas and one reality show.  As we all know, some of their new offerings might suffer an untimely demise at some point during the upcoming TV season.  And it's your task to predict which ones they will be.

Take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I've decided I'll post the results next week.  So stay tuned.  And thanks for playing.

Upfront, but already behind -- CBS

Mrs. CBS

Like it matters at this point.  We already know that CBS is going to win the ratings war for next season.  But in fairness to all the other networks, let's go through this exercise anyway.

Over the course of the 2013-14 season, CBS is adding five new programs - four comedies and one drama.  As we all know, some of their new shows might suffer an untimely demise at some point during the upcoming TV season (not taint the results, but I'm guessing it'll be a comedy).  And it's your task to predict which ones they will be.

Take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I'll keep you posted on the results.  Under protest, I'll put one together for The CW tomorrow.  But the truth is, they should just cancel the network.

Upfront, but already behind -- ABC

Tru dat

It's the midway point of Upfronts week, and aren't we having fun?*  Today we're focused on ABC, the network that brings us such Peabody-award winning programs as Wipeout and The Bachelorette.  But this isn't about what's already littering the airways, it's what's coming to litter them soon.

Over the course of the 2013-14 season, ABC is adding eight new programs.  Luckily none of them involve "celebrity" diving competitions (looks like Splash might just be a one and done. #TeamNicole).  As we all know, some of their new shows might suffer an untimely demise at some point during the upcoming TV season.  And it's your task to predict which ones they will be.

Take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I'll keep you posted on the results.  And check back tomorrow for the next network, CBS.

*I don't count The CW as your average infomercial draws better ratings than this network.