Friday, January 31, 2014

Guest blog post: Life, Poverty, and The Pursuit of Happiness

So from time to time, I have guest bloggers.  This is one of those time to times.  If you ever want to rant about your life in Hollywood, feel free to send me your thoughts.  I can be reached at tempx@tempdiaries.com.  It can be anonymous or bylined.  You pick.  This one is anonymous.

Enjoy.

What I really miss about my former life is going to the neighborhood café on Saturday mornings, picking up my latte, coming home, making toast, and then enjoying my little breakfast in its simple deliciousness, while sitting in my living room, on my cozy couch, and enjoying the quiet moments where I thought to myself, “this is life,” all in the comfort and safety of my own small, lovely, one bedroom apartment.

It’s been many months since I last experienced those moments of tranquility, of peace.  Those moments, that too often I took for granted, have ceased.  That couch has been sold, the apartment abandoned.  All the days bleed together where Saturday mornings are no longer a joyous reward at the end of a long work week, just a day that I’d lose track of if not for the differences in L.A. traffic, or the amount of people at Target.

No, I never envisioned this when I started following my passion to be a writer and a filmmaker.  I never imagined a life where an old, tiny couch in a cold, dark room would be a place I would now call home a couple weeks at a time, where given the neighborhood, every morning a part of me wonders if my car will still be outside and with all its parts still in place and unbroken.  Cozy no longer exists, and the quiet simplicity of the mornings that I used to enjoy is now marred by police sirens, the barking of a small, undisciplined dog, and the homeowner’s frequent belching.  What a lady.  

I have film credits now.  I have had great experiences with some filmmakers and I’ve been sorely cheated by others.  And though I’ve worked, I haven’t seen a paycheck in months.  An over-priced education and a considerable résumé has only brought me to a place of unanswered e-mails and inquiry letters.  After all, it’s never been about what you know, but who knows you.

Unemployment has run out.  My creditors now have their own ringtones.

Why would anyone do this?  The answer is simple.

Their unrelenting hope and dream of success is bigger.

Or they’re a masochist.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Peace on Earth. Good will toward...Nikki Finke?

The impossible has happened.  Nikki Finke finally likes me.  After more than five years of insults, hate mail, passing my scoops along as her "Exclusives"  and general disdain, Hollywood's Princess of Darkness has seen the light and has decided she should like me after all.

I love you too baby.


Friday, October 25, 2013

A Halloween Tradition -- The Nikki Finke Mask

Halloween seems to sneak up on us every year.  Since you've been putting in an ungodly amount of hours working for your dipshit of a boss, you've probably not had much time to go costume shopping.  But thanks to your friends at the Temp Diaries, I've solved that problem for you.

Normally, I wait until October 31 to post this, but I figured most of the good parties are happening this weekend (please send any invites to tempx@tempdiaries.com).  So why not do it now?  All you need to do is print out the Nikki Finke mask below, and follow the instructions list.  Then let the hilarity ensue.  Also, if you want to make it a little more tawdry, consider going as a "slutty Nikki Finke" (although that might be considered redundant based on my own experiences with Hollywood's Dark Mistress).  If you choose that as your costume, please send me pictures.

Trick or Treat!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

The 2013 Brown List

The day you hoped for/feared is here.  The 2013 Brown List is complete.  A few interesting stats:
  • Total nominations topped out at just over 5,900.
  • The winner of the Most-Liked executive won with 384 nominations.
  • The "winner" of the Least-Liked executive garnered 830 nominations.
I will not spoil any more surprises.  So now, please enjoy the Brown List.  And if you hear any weeping noises, bring your boss a box of tissues. It's pretty clear he/she might need them.

And one last thing, Happy Boss's Day. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The 2013 Bennies

Congrats to all the losers.  You deserve it.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn't get Neil Patrick Harris.  Actually, his agent told me he's "technically available" to do any award show (see Tony 2009, 2011-13; Emmy 2009, 2013; TV Land Awards 2009; Tannen's Magic Louis Award 2006, World Magic Awards 2008; Spike Video Game Awards 2010).  But when I mentioned I needed him to do the Bennies, the only award show recognizing the worst in television, his agent at CAA neglected to return my calls, emails, faxes, texts and smoke signals.  So I gave up and decided I'd just list the winners and forgo all the pomp, circumstance and musical numbers.  Plus, no one wants to hear those crappy songs anyway.

The Bennie Awards are the only awards that recognize the Worst in TV.  Think of The Bennies as the Razzies for the small screen.

From July 19 - August 30, the viewing public voted from a list of finalists for this most prestigious award.  After tinkering around with a spreadsheet for longer than necessary, I tabulated the results for each category:
  • Worst Actress
  • Worst Actor
  • Worst Reality Personality (Female)
  • Worst Reality Personality (Male)
  • Pushing Daisies Award (honoring the best show canceled too soon)
  • DOA 2013 (new show least deserving of a network pick-up)
  • Worst Reality Program
  • Worst Scripted Program
Voting was conducted "American Idol"-style voting, so stuffing the ballot box was completely legal.  Each winner will be honored with the Golden Trash Can featuring an embossed likeness of Ben Silverman, the King of Bad Programming and the person for whom the Bennie Awards are named.

Now without any further ado, here are the results for the 2013 Bennie Awards.  See you again next year, hopefully with a better host.


WORST ACTRESS        
WINNER: Katharine McPhee ("Smash" - NBC)
2nd: NeNe Leakes ("The New Normal" - NBC)
3rd - Kristin Kreuk ("Beauty and the Beast" - CW)
4th - Olivia Munn ("The Newsroom" - HBO)
5th - Kristen Bell ("House of Lies" - Showtime)
 
WORST ACTOR       
WINNER: Angus T. Jones ("Two and a Half Men" - CBS)
2nd - Connor Paolo ("Revenge" - ABC)
3rd - Matthew Perry ("Go On" - NBC)
4th - Sam Waterston ("The Newsroom" - HBO)
5th - David Zayas ("Dexter" - Showtime)

WORST REALITY PERSONALITY (FEMALE)        
WINNER: June Shannon ("Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" - TLC)
Mariah Carey  ("American Idol" - FOX)
Britney Spears ("The X Factor" - FOX)
Shaunie O’Neal ("Basketball Wives" - VH1)
Christina Aguilera ("The Voice" - NBC)

WORST REALITY PERSONALITY (MALE)       
WINNER: Ryan Lochte ("What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" - E!)
2nd - Donald Trump ("Celebrity Apprentice" - NBC)
3rd - Dr. Drew Pinsky ("Rehab with Dr. Drew" - VH1)
4th (tie) - Gordon Ramsey ("Hell's Kitchen" - FOX)
4th (tie) - Greg Louganis ("Splash" - ABC)

PUSHING DAISIES  (The best show canceled too soon)    
WINNER: "Happy Endings" (ABC)
2nd - "Enlightened" (HBO)
3rd - "Boss" (Starz)
4th - "Touch" (FOX)
5th - "Life’s Too Short" (HBO)

DOA 2013  (New show least deserving of a network pick-up)             
WINNER: "Dads" (FOX)
2nd - "Sean Saves the World" (NBC)
3rd (tie) "Super Fun Night" (ABC)
3rd (tie) "We Are Men" (CBS)
5th - "Tomorrow People" (CW)

WORST REALITY PROGRAM             
WINNER: "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" (E!)
2nd - "Princesses: Long Island" (Bravo)
3rd - "Splash" (ABC)
4th - "American Idol" (FOX)
5th - "Mob Wives" (VH1)

WORST SCRIPTED PROGRAM
WINNER: "2 Broke Girls" (CBS)  
2nd - "Animal Practice" (NBC)
3rd - "1600 Penn" (NBC)
4th - "Smash" (NBC)
5th - "Arrested Development" (Netflix)

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Brown List 2013 -- Call for Nominations

[NOMINATIONS ARE CLOSED AND THE RESULTS ARE UP.  SEE YOU NEXT YEAR.]

For the fifth year in a row, the Temp Diaries is surveying its readers to identify the MOST-LIKED and LEAST-LIKED entertainment executives.  Once the results are tallied, they are compiled into something I've called THE BROWN LIST.  THE BROWN LIST is designed to serve as a resource for job seekers to answer the question "Do I really want to work for [Hollywood Executive]?"

Nomination is easy.  Using the form below:
  • Write in your MOST-LIKED entertainment industry executive.
  • Write in your LEAST-LIKED entertainment industry executive.
  • Add any comments you feel like about your nominees.
  • Hit Submit.  All entries are completely anonymous. (See below for more info)
[Note: As my pirated Studio System has finally been shut down, PRETTY PLEASE include their company and title.]

THE BROWN LIST uses American Idol-style voting.  So nominate someone as many times as you want.  The deadline for nominations is October 4, 2013 at 11:59 p.m.  I will then tabulate the results and release them October 16, 2013, which by no small coincidence is Boss's Day.

Now get to voting...

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Vote Temp X for Variety's "10 Assistants to Watch"

I offer so much and ask so little.  That's why I put out this post today.  Variety is compiling its list of 10 Assistants to Watch.  Needless to say, I decided I should be one of these people.  But to achieve this honor and long-overdue recognition, I need your help.  So here's the plan...
    Artist's rendering
  1. Below is a letter I've thoughtfully written on your behalf.  Just copy and paste it into an email and send it to Peter Caranicas (Deputy Editor, Variety) -  peter.caranicas@variety.com and BCC me at tempx@tempdiaries.com.  
Actually that's the plan.  Just one step - send Peter a letter trumpeting my importance to Hollywood.  Now, as if you needed one, there's an incentive to participate.  Should I achieve Top 10 status, I will select at random a winning voter from all who nominated me (thus the BCC part).  That winner will be rewarded for his/her efforts with a One-of-a-Kind Hollywood Temp Diaries beer stein.  You can then use this mug for whatever one might use a beer stein for.  The deadline is October 22.

I thank you in advance for your participation.  Now get to voting.  Here's the letter...

Dear Peter-

I would like to nominate Temp X from the Hollywood Temp Diaries (http://www.tempdiaries.com) for one of Variety's "10 Assistants To Watch."  I've thought long and hard about my decision and I was in no way encouraged to do so by any sort giveaway that could be perceived as "vote buying."  It would be very "Un-Hollywood" to do anything unethical or sell out.  Now as for the reasons for my nomination:
  • Temp X tells it like it really is in the Hollywood trenches, which is the most comforting thing someone in my position can ask for.
  • Temp X has helped many people get jobs and many more get interviews by routinely sending out job postings.  How can you dislike a guy who does that?
  • Temp X compiles the Brown List of Most-Liked and Least-Liked Hollywood Executives.  The Brown List is (sadly) a more valuable document than my college diploma.
  • Temp X was called a "Must-read" by Creative Screenwriting (May/June 2009) and "The definition of meaningless" by Deadline Hollywood.  Both of them are compliments and one of them must be right.
  • Temp X makes me laugh with such features as Another Day in Hollywood, Ask Fake Ari Emanuel and Celebs: They're just like us except better looking and dumber.  Additionally, The Bennie Awards recognizing the Worst in Television is the best award show ever. 
  • Temp X sponsored teams for the Hollywood Assistant Beer Pong Tournament.  My employer didn't even do that.
  • Temp X does all of this while temping around town and making less than $20,000 a year.
For these reasons and countless more, Temp X deserves inclusion in your 10 Assistants to Watch.

Sincerely,
Me

P.S.  I'm sure he's sorry about the time he posted instructions on bypassing Variety's pay wall.  Hopefully you can look past that.