Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Celebs: They're just like us -- only better looking and dumber: Hall of Fame inductee

Is that a mic in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
Celebrities are often incredibly self-centered and woefully out of touch.  That's a given.  But then there's Jennifer Lopez who takes all of this to a new level.

Yesterday "Jenny from the Block" was on Today with Matt Lauer promoting her show that I think is called Latin America's Got Talent.  She opened the interview complaining to Lauer about the last time she was on the morning program.

LAUER: You started by saying I stiffed you last time.

LOPEZ: You did. Last time you were supposed to interview me I was here.  Something happened.  Some big news story.  And you left.  And I was all alone."

This seems relatively inconsequential (although grammatically horrific) until you realize the date of the interview she's referring to.  It was May 2, 2011.  That was the morning after President Barack Obama announced SEAL Team 6 had killed the world's most wanted terrorist and the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks Osama Bin Laden.  Lopez, on the other hand, was there to promote her latest album Love? and to discuss being named People magazine's "Most Beautiful" person.  How dare they exercise decent news judgement?!

As for whether Lopez was "all alone," well, that's not actually true.  Lopez did a nearly six-minute interview with Meredith Viera. If that wasn't enough, during the drunk hour of Today (the one with Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford), they aired the Lopez's new video "I'm Into You," all four minutes of it.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Shit Hollywood Executives Say - An exercise in unoriginality

It's award season.
Gotta look pretty.
What kind of Hollywood person would I be if I didn't copy the latest trend - Shit (fill in the blank) says?  Furthermore, what kind of person would I be if the thing I decided to do wasn't at the expense of Hollywood executives?

So I've decided to combine the two ideas with my newest Temp Diaries original film, Shit Hollywood Executives Say.  For extra fun, write down sayings that I missed in the comment section below.  Chances are that I'll make a sequel.  I'm just that uncreative.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Sundance...a.k.a. Your boss's second Christmas vacation


Today your boss gears up to leave for the annual meeting of the minds that is the Sundance Film Festival. So until your he/she loses cell reception, it's entirely likely that you'll receive demands that range from improbable to complete violations of the space-time continuum. But if you want to keep your job, you'll do it with a smile.

The folks at the Hollywood Temp Diaries have seen all this stuff before. The key to being a good assistant during this hectic time (other than having an MFA from the University of Texas film school) is preparation. That's what I'm here for.

Following are the things your boss is likely to demand at this snow party Sundance...
- Confirm the car service to take your boss to LAX. Not a cab. Not Super Shuttle. A CAR SERVICE! You boss is still pissed off from Thanksgiving when you sent he/her to the airport via United Taxi.

- Did you secure a window seat on Delta #1166? And yes, your boss wants a meal on the flight. Don't even ask.

- Make sure there is a car service to pick up your boss at the Salt Lake City. Not a cab. Not Super Shuttle. CAR SERVICE! Your boss is still pissed off from Thanksgiving when you assumed he/she would want a ride with his/her family.

- Have you secured tickets to all 121 features even though your boss will probably only actually check out three of them (and leave two early out of boredom). The only reason he/she will stay for all of the other one is it was written/produced/directed by someone they're trying to poach from ICM.

- Get your boss free lift tickets to Alta. And only Alta. Why? No snowboarders there. If your wanted to hang out with a bunch of dirt bags, he/she'd go to the Winter X-Games. [Note: Once your boss finds out that all the cool kids are snow boarding, call Snowbird and Deer Valley, or get discounted lift tickets online.]

- Get your boss a map for downtown Park City (in color). It matters not that everything related to the Sundance Film Festival is on a five-block strip of Main Street. Your boss still wants a map.

- Be able to explain Utah's very confusing liquor laws, or better yet, just make sure your boss takes a bottle of Grey Goose along for the ride.

- There are approximately 300 different parties at Sundance during the "filmfesst." Get your boss passes to each one (+ guest).
- Get a duplicate key to your boss's house. This way, when he/she calls you and tells you to send the pair of Uggs they forgot, you'll be a step ahead of the game. [Note: If required to do this, do not use this as an opportunity to rummage through your boss's stuff. Just steal it instead.]

- Extend your boss's hotel room reservation for two days. Trust me, they'll call asking. So just do it now.

- Confirm your boss's return flight has a 24-hour layover in Vegas and make a reservation at the Wynn.

- Figure out a way to expense everything

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Celebs: They're just like us -- only better looking and dumber

Too funky for myself
Mark Wahlberg is a lot of things.  He's a successful movie actor, producer, model and possible musician.  But now he fancies himself as a bit of a superhero as he explains what he would have done had he been on a plane during the 9/11 attacks.

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

So rest easy America.  Mark Wahlberg is here to save you.  Just make sure you overlook his youthful indiscretions like beating a man unconscious, leaving the victim blind in one eye. Or the time he fractured his neighbor's jaw in an unprovoked attack.  He just cares too much.  Plus it appears the high school drop out knows how to fly a plane.  That's nice.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

An Anonymous Blogger (me) Trashes Hollywood Executives

Ok. I'll admit I'm slightly drunk right now. But that doesn't make what I'm about to say any less true. It just means this post will probably feature more typos that usual. Luckily my sister will read this when she's at work, send me a quick list of corrections and that will be the end of those problems.

A recent posting in the bastion of journalism that is The Hollywood Reporter has been brought to my attention. The article, a missive written by an anonymous Hollywood executive, craps on all the reporters at the Television Critics Association Winter press tour by lumping them into disparaging categories like "The Twit," "The Snob" and "The Walking Dead," among others.

For those unfamiliar with the TCA, it is essentially a big press conference where networks promote their new shows (and some existing ones) to a room full of reporters. But apparently one executive wasn't pleased with the publicity his/her show got.  So instead of attempting to improve their shitty retread of a project, this person decided to take it out on the reporters.  Apparently this exec is unfamiliar with the phrase "Don't shoot the messenger because your comedy gets no laughs."

Well Dicknose, two can play at that game.  On behalf of all of those reporters who are busting their asses to cover your piece of crap show that will be canceled before you can say, "Emily's Reasons Why Not," here is a breakdown of the different types of Hollywood executives.

THE EGOMANIAC: This type of exec doesn't just believe the world revolves around them, they'll fight Galileo on his theory.  They announce themselves by first name only (technically, their assistants do it for them).  They have "their table" at Chateau Marmont.  They demand complimentary tickets to every event, whether or not they even plan on attending it.  And most importantly, everyone must kiss their ass or face the consequences.  This person has a Napoleon complex and the intelligence of Napoleon Dynamite.  

THE SEXIST: In spite of EEOC regulations, civil rights rulings, professional decorum and common decency, some Hollywood executives have no problem openly flouting these rules with behavior that should earn them a swift kick in the balls.  Unfortunately, it doesn't.  The casting couch may be a thing of the past in Hollywood (or maybe not), but this type of exec is the next worst thing.  This person also has mommy/daddy issues and probably is a submissive at their BDSM weekend sex club.

THE IDIOT: There are a group of Hollywood executives who for some inexplicable reason stumble into their jobs and, more inexplicably, keep failing upwards.  Is it because they're lucky, connected or simply good at blackmail?  We'll never know.  All we know is that they greenlit such brilliant ideas at The Bionic Woman, The Playboy Club and Bingo Night in America.

THE CRIMINAL: It should come as no surprise that, in the cutthroat entertainment industry, executives periodically bend the rules.  But some people don't know when to stop, or worse, choose not to.  These types of execs have assistants do little tasks like pick up their cocaine for them, falsify government records or other things that would make Sweet Lady Justice consider a career switch.

THE LAZY ASS:  If these people put as much effort into doing something as they do to doing nothing, they'd run Hollywood.  But they don't.  This is their typical schedule:

9:30 a.m. - 11:30 a.m.: Gym
11:30 a.m. - 12:30 p.m.: Read Variety.  Leave voicemails.
12:30 p.m. - 3:30 p.m.: Lunch
3:30 p.m. - 6 p.m.: "Work" from home.
6 p.m. - 1 a..m.: Drinks

THE HEIR TO THE THRONE: These people are in the catbird seat as they have one thing working for them that few do -- nepotism.  Somewhere along the lines, these members of the "Lucky Sperm Club" got to the point where they can keep screwing up but with little consequence.  It started at conception.

THE STARFUCKER: This person seems to think that by working with an A-list celeb, that somehow they will qualify as an A-lister as well.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Also, nothing could be sadder.  But this happens all the time.  One day they will learn the celeb only hangs out with them because they need someone to sign their check.  That's all, nothing else.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

I have a large penis.
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm trying to decide what format to send my resume.  Do I attach it?  Or put it in the body of the email?  Should I send them in Word or .pdf?  Which one is the best and is it bad to send .pdf and Word in case the Word doesn't open? Please help!

Inhale. Exhale.
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First of all, Fake Ari has two words of you -- "CALM THE FUCK DOWN!"  Jesus!  At this rate you're going to have a heart attack before you turn 23.  That said, Fake Ari is a big fan of Darwin and natural selection, and weeding out people like you could only benefit mankind. 

But on the off chance you get your blood pressure under control through medication or redirect your anxiety by grinding your teeth, I have an answer for you.  Take a deep breath.  The correct answer is attach it as a .pdf AND paste it into the email.  Any place you're sending your resume to can open a .pdf because pretty much every script comes in that format.  And pasting it in is a good idea in the event they're too stupid to figure out how to open an attachment.


This stuff writes itself.
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm an acting coach/actress in need of steady income. Do you have suggestions and know of any studios that are seeking a great acting/set coach or set coaches who would share advice on how to get a set coaching gig?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: You're a comedienne, right?  I mean you have to be.  Who else would say "I'm an actress in need of a steady income?"  Have you already mastered the "Two nuns walk into a bar" routine?  Wow!  Fake Ari hasn't had a laugh like that since I fired my last assistant for using the three-hole punch too loudly.

But to answer your question - Fake Ari has no idea.  But fear not, Fake Ari is smarter than you and is always full of good suggestions as to where to start.  Have you considered calling places like Lee Strasberg Theater & Film Institute or the Screen Actors Guild for potential ideas?  Fake Ari thinks those places might be useful.  But you should stick to comedy, you're a natural.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

"My life in Hollywood sucks" -- January calendar

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.