Thursday, January 12, 2012

An Anonymous Blogger (me) Trashes Hollywood Executives

Ok. I'll admit I'm slightly drunk right now. But that doesn't make what I'm about to say any less true. It just means this post will probably feature more typos that usual. Luckily my sister will read this when she's at work, send me a quick list of corrections and that will be the end of those problems.

A recent posting in the bastion of journalism that is The Hollywood Reporter has been brought to my attention. The article, a missive written by an anonymous Hollywood executive, craps on all the reporters at the Television Critics Association Winter press tour by lumping them into disparaging categories like "The Twit," "The Snob" and "The Walking Dead," among others.

For those unfamiliar with the TCA, it is essentially a big press conference where networks promote their new shows (and some existing ones) to a room full of reporters. But apparently one executive wasn't pleased with the publicity his/her show got.  So instead of attempting to improve their shitty retread of a project, this person decided to take it out on the reporters.  Apparently this exec is unfamiliar with the phrase "Don't shoot the messenger because your comedy gets no laughs."

Well Dicknose, two can play at that game.  On behalf of all of those reporters who are busting their asses to cover your piece of crap show that will be canceled before you can say, "Emily's Reasons Why Not," here is a breakdown of the different types of Hollywood executives.

THE EGOMANIAC: This type of exec doesn't just believe the world revolves around them, they'll fight Galileo on his theory.  They announce themselves by first name only (technically, their assistants do it for them).  They have "their table" at Chateau Marmont.  They demand complimentary tickets to every event, whether or not they even plan on attending it.  And most importantly, everyone must kiss their ass or face the consequences.  This person has a Napoleon complex and the intelligence of Napoleon Dynamite.  

THE SEXIST: In spite of EEOC regulations, civil rights rulings, professional decorum and common decency, some Hollywood executives have no problem openly flouting these rules with behavior that should earn them a swift kick in the balls.  Unfortunately, it doesn't.  The casting couch may be a thing of the past in Hollywood (or maybe not), but this type of exec is the next worst thing.  This person also has mommy/daddy issues and probably is a submissive at their BDSM weekend sex club.

THE IDIOT: There are a group of Hollywood executives who for some inexplicable reason stumble into their jobs and, more inexplicably, keep failing upwards.  Is it because they're lucky, connected or simply good at blackmail?  We'll never know.  All we know is that they greenlit such brilliant ideas at The Bionic Woman, The Playboy Club and Bingo Night in America.

THE CRIMINAL: It should come as no surprise that, in the cutthroat entertainment industry, executives periodically bend the rules.  But some people don't know when to stop, or worse, choose not to.  These types of execs have assistants do little tasks like pick up their cocaine for them, falsify government records or other things that would make Sweet Lady Justice consider a career switch.

THE LAZY ASS:  If these people put as much effort into doing something as they do to doing nothing, they'd run Hollywood.  But they don't.  This is their typical schedule:

9:30 a.m. - 11:30 a.m.: Gym
11:30 a.m. - 12:30 p.m.: Read Variety.  Leave voicemails.
12:30 p.m. - 3:30 p.m.: Lunch
3:30 p.m. - 6 p.m.: "Work" from home.
6 p.m. - 1 a..m.: Drinks

THE HEIR TO THE THRONE: These people are in the catbird seat as they have one thing working for them that few do -- nepotism.  Somewhere along the lines, these members of the "Lucky Sperm Club" got to the point where they can keep screwing up but with little consequence.  It started at conception.

THE STARFUCKER: This person seems to think that by working with an A-list celeb, that somehow they will qualify as an A-lister as well.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Also, nothing could be sadder.  But this happens all the time.  One day they will learn the celeb only hangs out with them because they need someone to sign their check.  That's all, nothing else.

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