Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The New Yenta

I look adorable.
Yenta X has undergone a bit of a facelift.  She's now a message board where you can share information with your fellow Hollywood underlings.  It works just like any other message board, except you don't need to register to use it.  Just post and wait. I think there's also a feature where you can be alerted any time someone comments on your post.  The categories are Job/Work-Related Stuff, Creative Matchmaking, For Sale/For Rent/Please Take, New York and other places not in LA and Random Questions.

Check it out.  Now talk amongst yourselves.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

2010 Drinking and Emmy blog along

Welcome to the 2010 Drinking Fest and Emmy blog along.  Before we begin, please forgive me for any typos that may emerge.  The fact is I never took a typing class and if I should happen to get drunk, my typing/spelling/grammar may go right into the toilet.  So if the jokes cease to be humorous, or you can't make out what I'm talking about, just make up your own funnies.  Chances are it'll be better than what I've written.

Now for the Red Carpet pre-game:

Uh.  My eyes are up top.
Didn't take long for them to show Christina Hendricks enormous boobs.  In fact, they're so big they were the second and third shot of the broadcast.

Claire Daines looks like the unholy marriage between Martina Navratilova, Heidi Klum and a disco ball.  And she has the personality to match.

I can fly in this!
Jimmy Fallon's wife blends in with her burnt orange dress.  From a distance (and without my glasses) it's entirely possible that she's naked.  Or in a body suit.  Time to lay off the spray tan.

A couple boring interviews with the crazy lady with the bad hair and overactive uterus, January Jones (who was a pair of blue antennae away from being Mrs. The Tick) and the always dull Eva Longoria.  Five minutes of them saying absolutely nothing.  Commercial please?  And guess who they show again going to commercial?  Her royal Boobery -- Christina Hendricks.

The non-Billy Bush (Nate Berkus) correspondent has asked two different women what their bathroom floor looks like.  Every woman in Hollywood should file a restraining order against him.

This is as fancy as I get
I haven't even had a chance to pour a drink yet.  I'm getting twitchy.

No one has asked what I'm wearing.  But since I know you're all interested. I'm wearing white tube socks ($1) and a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo shoes ($10) that I got when CBS/Paramount sold everything the crew hadn't stolen once The Game got canceled.

Billy Bush just asked Matthew Morrison from Glee if he's ever "Gotten a Slushie in the face."  Is he asking him out on a date?

More to follow
Ok.  Time to pour me a drink.  Maker's Mark on the rocks.  Currently on sale at Rite Aid for $18 for 750 ml.  I had to splurge.  And since I didn't need to rent a tux for the night, I'm still gonna come out ahead.

Billy Bush said he didn't want to see Sophia Vergara naked.  Hmm.  See previous comment about Matthew Morrison.

Now for the style breakdown of "Hits" and "Ugly."  I just don't care. Kim Kardashian looks like she's an extra from the first version of Clash of the Titans.
Clash of the Kardashians
And now...on to the show!!

Oh no.  Here comes Jimmy Fallon.  Time for another drink.  It's the only thing that makes him funny.

They just started playing "Born to Run."  I hit mute immediately.  I need to get their version out of my head immediately if not sooner.  I know what'll dull that pain.  Nikki Finke.  Let's see what the old broad has to say?...Crap.  Nothing yet.  I wonder if she remembered?  Oh, the bit is over.  Will Jimmy put down the guitar?

And the winner for best supporting actor is...I'm picking red-haired guy from Modern Family?  Darn.  Blew it.  The fat guy won.  His speech was...oh who am I kidding?  I don't care what he says.  Every acceptance speech is basically the same,  "It's an honor to be nominated.  The writers are brilliant.  The crew, well, who knows what they do?  I have no idea what a gaffer is.  Just as long as the lights don't fall on my head, I'm happy."

The sexual chemistry between Sophia Vergara and Jim Parsons is...what's a number less than zero?  Modern Family won again.  I'm not sure what the category was because, to be perfectly honest, I was drinking.  And now I need to check on my $0.89 pizza.  Thank you Smart and Final.

I'd ask what Tom Hanks is doing at the Emmys as he hasn't been on TV in a zillion years, but I don't care that much.  Oh and where is Peter Scolari these days? [Update: He apparently single-handedly beat the Japanese in WWII]

People laugh at Jimmy Fallon out of pity.

Holy Crap!  Jim Parsons won!  He was a great neighbor, except for the times that he had raging parties that kept me up until the wee hours of the morning.  Hey Jim, tell Otis I said, "Hi."

Dammit.  Just realized the show's gonna drag on for another 2 hours.  Can't they speed this up?

Just checked in on Deadline Hollywood.  Neither interesting, nor funny.  Everything you've come to expect from Nikki Finke. Just waiting for things that are inaccurate to complete the puzzle.

E&Y doing their best.
And on to the reality TV portion.  Time to take the dog out for a dump.  What happened?  Can someone tell me what happened?  Time for another drink.

Hey, Ernst and Young is the accounting firm for the Emmys.  Let's not forget the incredible job they did for Lehman Bros. So who knows who really won?

Some woman just won for a show I never watch.  To be honest, I didn't know the Good Wife was still on.

I wonder if Bea Arthur is pissed about all the attention that Betty White is getting these days.  Wait?  Bea's dead?  Never mind.

I'm left alone with my thoughts.  Ugh.
Look!  Minorities!  And they let them on TV!

Jimmy Fallon singing again!  If I wasn't so drunk, I'd have hit the mute button quicker.

Women's drama.  I'm taking Mrs. Kevin Bacon.  Boo-ya!  Nailed it.  Now she's gonna thank the world.  And yes.  She did.

Can someone take the guitar away from Fallon?  Or just hit him over the head with it?  Where's Pete Townshend when you need him?

Oh, hey!  The Tony Awards won for whatever they won for.  A whopping 7.6 million people watched that show.  That's...how to put this politely...nothing.  Or in English, last week's rerun of The Mentalist last week drew 7 million.  How come they weren't nominated?

Ricky Gervais' beer delivery people just offered Matthew Perry a pint. He declined. Apparently they don't remember his stint in rehab.

How much longer is this shit gonna go on?  Can I really survive another hour?  I doubt it.  I'm not drunk enough to skip out on it.  But I'm not sober enough to want to continue.

Jimmy Fallon plays guitar too?!  Wow.  Talk about a multi-hyphenate.

I knew John Krasinski was an idiot!  Look at the goddamn teleprompter!  It's in the same place it was in rehearsal.

The mini series portion.  Who knew they still existed?  It seems like they started playing David Strathairn off before he walked on the stage. Not a bad idea. 

Well, now for the part with the dead people.  The only ones who got any real applause were Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper.  Hopefully next year better people will kick the bucket.

It bothers me when people say that making a movie or a TV show "takes courage."  It doesn't.  They take money.  That's all.  Money.  Courage is running into a burning building to save people.  Courage is maintaining public safety for low pay.  It's not tapping into a company with a $34 billion market cap.  Acceptance speech: Fail!

Notice that John Hodgmen didn't make fun of Claire Danes as he did for every other winner?   I only wish I knew why.

And now for the part where everyone gets annoyed.  Don't blame me.  I didn't write this. I didn't produce it.  I didn't direct it or act in it.  All I did was find it on the Internet.  So, if you're gonna be mad at anyone, be mad at Google.

I think Al Pacino is drunk.  Or perhaps it's me.  Someone is.  Luckily, the show will be done in 20 minutes.  Hopefully sooner.

Casting is everything
8 billion nominations and finally (!) The Pacific wins something.  Better than nothing.  In related news, Peter Scolari came in second for The Arctic. That's right.  Two Scolari references in the same blog.  Now I'll never speak of him again.

Quelle surprise!  Mad Men won.  Why bother tuning in?  Only one category left.  I'm not sure what it could be since they just did best drama.  This'll be fun.

Oh.  It's best Comedy Series.  Turns out it's Modern Family.  But you already knew that. Time to take the dog for a dump.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Reminder: Live drinking...oh and blogging along with the Emmys

Log on and watch me get drunk on Maker's Mark while tolerating Hollywood's red-headed step child congratulate themselves.  I'll also periodically check in on other blogs and see if they've said anything even remotely insightful (don't count on it).  For a preview of such fun, check out the Golden Blogs.  Oh, and as for my outfit, I'll only wear my underwear and a pair of Salvatore Ferragamos.

The fun starts at with the Red Carpet at 7 p.m. ET/4 p.m. PT and it will continue up until the point I pass out.

Unemployee of the Week: Kirbie Johnson

Unemployee of the Week time again.  If you'd like to be considered, please send your resume (as a pdf) and a blurb about you to tempx@tempdiaries.com. [Note: Be smart with your contact info as your resume will be posted for all to see.]

Today's candidate is Kirbie Johnson.  Kirbie is a 2009 graduate of Texas Christian University with a B.S. in Advertising/PR and is looking for a full-time opportunity in entertainment public relations.  She's had a variety of PR positions including working as a host for the Sex and the City 2 premiere and coordinating red carpet events.  Please help her out.  Thanks.


Thursday, August 26, 2010

Serenading Rob Thomas

No caption needed.
Finding work in Hollywood is hard.  Yes, I know I'm stating the obvious.   But every once in a while you hear about an opportunity you know you're perfect for.  When that happens, you'll do anything to get that job.  For me, that day was yesterday when I saw Rob Thomas and the team from Party Down sold a show to NBC called Temps.  Of course, trying to reach Mr. Thomas to introduce myself and explain my familiarity with all things temping isn't as easy as it sounds.

After a couple hours of insomnia and a bottle or two of Miller High Life, I came up with what I believe to be just the right way to do it.  A serenade.  So using the music from "Smooth" by the other Rob Thomas (alongside Carlos Santana) and some fun lyrics that I wrote, I will hope to woo Mr. Thomas into meeting with me.

Just hit the play button below and sing along.  Rob, Jon or Dan, you can reach me at tempx@tempdiaries.com.  Talk to you soon.

Man it's a good day
Like winning lotto then an awesome lay
I saw you sold a show to NBC
In Variety

My mantequilla, ok my Spanish is que fea
But yeah, I'll take dictation
I'll never take vacation

And if I can't write quite good enough
I would go get my MFA
I need to reach you despite my failed attempts
'Cause you sold Temps

And like on the web site for Office Depot
I'm want to place an order to work on your show
You've sold the kind of program that I'm dreaming of
Give me a job, make it real
Or else I'll blog about it

I'll tell you one thing
I've been a temp for five long years
With every day at the Xerox
I want to pull all my hair out 

Trapped in a cubicle
Not on any pharmaceutical
You feel the turning of the world so slow, really slow
Life passing by

And if I can't write quite good enough
I would go get my MFA
I need to reach you despite my failed attempts
'Cause you sold Temps

And like on the web site for Office Depot
I'm want to place an order to work on your show
You've sold the kind of program that I'm dreaming of
Give me a job, make it real
Or else I'll blog about it

And like on the web site for Office Depot
I'm want to place an order to work on your show
You've sold the kind of program that I'm dreaming of
Give me a job, make it real
Or else I'll blog about it

Monday, August 23, 2010

Another Nightmare on Memory Lane

In the 1995 movie Swimming with Sharks, Kevin Spacey plays Buddy Ackerman, a cutthroat, intimidating and successful Hollywood executive who makes life miserable for his neophyte assistant Guy (Frank Whaley).  This film is as much required viewing for aspiring Hollywooders as Citizen Kane and Battleship PotemkinSwimming with Sharks, which only grossed $383,000, has influenced numerous projects like The Devil Wears Prada and characters like Ari Gold in Entourage.  The film also spawned an army of Buddy Ackerman wannabes, most of whom ended up on the Least-Liked Executive portion of the 2009 Brown List.  But as we all know, Hollywood is also the land of make believe.

For every one Buddy Ackerman running around this town, there are probably ten who make Brick Tamland from Anchorman look like Stephen Hawking. The only problem is these other ten are unaware the hamster is off the treadmill.  So these people scream, yell and go through the motions they believe they should.  But what comes out is just amusing, frightening and more than a little dangerous.

How do I know these species exist?  I've interviewed with them, I've read about them and, most recently, I worked for them. Following are actual examples of things done or said by executives at my former employer:

  • Asked for directions to ICM from CAA.  [Note to non-industry people: The two biggest agencies in town have been ACROSS THE STREET from each other for nearly three years.]
  • Requested no fewer than 63 library books to review as background information for a one-page treatment due in three days.
  • Explained, "My therapist said 'it sounds like you schedule work around your work outs.' And it's kinda true."
  • Asked, "What's 3200 divided by 8?"
  • In discussing aspirations to write and produce TV drama said, "I think the half hours are my sweet spot." [Note to non-industry people: Dramas are an hour.  Half hour shows are comedies.]
  • Wrote a treatment featuring a chase scene where the antagonist -- piloting a canoe -- narrowly escaped the long arm of the law.  Yes, the paddler (a mere mortal) was faster than a speeding bullet.

The one thing I will say is Hollywood execs are smart enough to avoid scripts where they are made to look the fool.  I still can't explain that.

Friday, August 20, 2010

If you can't beat 'em...

...copy 'em!  Turn out Darling Nikki is such a fan of my Another Day In Hollywood animated shorts that she's decided to post a cartoon featuring an incompetent development exec too.  She has proven, once again, that there's no such thing as an original idea in Hollywood -- especially when you copy it.

Unemployee of the Week -- Kevin Hawkins

Unemployee of the Week time again.  If you'd like to be considered, please send your resume (as a pdf) and a blurb about you to tempx@tempdiaries.com. [Note: Be smart with your contact info as your resume will be posted for all to see.]

Today's candidate is Kevin Hawkins.  Kevin is a 2006 NYU/Tisch grad with a B.F.A. in Film and TV Production.  He's worked as an Office PA/Script Coordinator for Abominable Pictures (Children's Hospital -- Cartoon Network) and as an Office PA/Script Coordinator for Base Productions (American Cowboy -- Animal Planet).  He knows all that computer stuff too like Final Draft, Final Cut and Avid.  Please help him out.  Thanks.


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Still not real Ari
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I am Australian! Do you think anyone can sponsor my visa?

Are you looking at my boobs?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Listen you koala bear-eating jerk, don't bother Fake Ari with your "sponsor me" crap.  I have neither the time, nor the inclination to help you as I'm a busy, self-important executive focused on creating career-defining programs like LeBron James: The Decision.  But here's the truth.  Getting a work permit in Hollywood is easy.  You just need to follow the example set by some of WME2 clients like Kate Beckinsale (England), Will Arnett (Canada), Malin Ackerman (Sweden) and Hugh Jackman (Australia).  You know what they did right?  They were all born exceptionally good looking.  So hopefully you won the genetic lottery coming out of the chute.  If that's not in the cards, try hooking up with a company from your homeland that does business in Hollywood or contact executives with ties to your country.  I know a few people who have had luck following that path.  Or talk to my brother Rahm.  I'm sure he'll be happy to help.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I just moved closer to the city and have only been living around here for a couple months. Just wondered if you could recommend any decent bars or places to chill that aren't real pricey?

Another Frank Gehry-designed building
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: When I'm feeling thrifty, I go to Bar Nineteen 12 (9641 Sunset Blvd).  I'll just get something simple, like three fingers of Macallan 25 ($110) and a side order of Maine lobster tacos ($26).  Nothing ostentatious.  I'll even tone it down by taking the Beemer instead of the Porsche.  I've also heard my assistants talk about "scoring" $3 beer at Dillon's in Hollywood or throwing projectiles (I think they called them "darts") at a place called The Drawing Room in Los Feliz.  But I never travel east of La Cienega.  So you'll have to rely on their assessments.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Guest Column: Dear Hollywood

And now a guest editorial from one of my readers.  Got something you want to say about the state of Hollywood? Send it to tempx@tempdiaries.com.

Dear Hollywood,

Hey!  How are you?  I know we haven't met yet but I wanted to run some questions by you before our rendezvous.  After all, it's going to be pretty expensive for me to come all the way out to you. (I've tried for years to get you to come to me, but you refuse.)  I'd like just a few answers before I give everything up to fall into your somewhat vain and often times self-absorbed arms.

Question one revolves around your job situation.  I hear you make it pretty hard for people like me to find employment.  Is that true?  Because if it is, that is so not cool - especially because I paid like three billion dollars for an MFA from a really famous arts school.  Do you know how much three billion dollars is?  I was under the impression that an MFA from a really famous arts school would help me, but so far no one seems to care.

Along those lines, if I do secure a job out there, will the people I work for be as insane as the people I worked for in New York City?  Just tell me now so I can go out and buy a few boxes of black market Valium.   Will I have a boss who will require me to deliver a certain newspaper to her nail salon minutes before she gets there or walk around aimlessly for an hour in attempt to find a bag of ice?

How about dating?  What if I'm not interested in repeating scenarios that involve "artists" of various genres who forget my name but remember to repeat their own seven times within the first five minutes of meeting me? What if I don't want to talk about career during the entire first date?  What if I only have eyes for Joseph Gordon-Levitt?  Can you hook me up with him?  Sure I'm not a model but I know how to make a fucking awesome meatloaf.  

Most importantly – what is your crazy person population like?   Can you guarantee I won't be screamed at before 8 a.m. or offered a headless doll as barter for lodging?  One time, a crazy lady took a poop right outside my apartment.  In the middle of summer.  Can you promise this won't happen again?

Basically Hollywood, will you love me the way I'm prepared to love you?


[J is a freelance writer/editor to pay the bills, a screenwriter to keep her muse at bay and a blogger at TwenySomethings in an attempt to stay sane]

Friday, August 13, 2010

Unemployee of the Week -- Gina Yates

Unemployee of the Week time again.  If you'd like to be considered, please send your resume (as a pdf) and a blurb about you to tempx@tempdiaries.com. [Note: Be smart with your contact info as your resume will be posted for all to see.]

Gina has spent the past 12 years working in radio as a producer, on-air host and writer. She recently lost her full-time gig of seven years and is currently working part-time as a producer for Clear Channel Communications. In addition, she co-hosts a Saturday morning radio show called LAGenX and has extensive research in talent relations and celebrity interviewing. Ideally, Gina would like to land another full-time job in radio or television broadcasting but isn't ruling out the idea of becoming a personal assistant to a high-profile individual.  Please help her out.  Thanks.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

A Nightmare on Memory Lane

I know I promised once I quit that I'd post things that happened at my old job.  Time to start making good on that.  Following is something I wrote February 4, 2010, just weeks after I started.  It appears I'd thought of quitting long ago.

Today started with a thud.  Not a thunk.  Not a thump.  An emphatic thud.

I often come to work questioning my own intellect.  For it's become obvious to me that my decision to move to Hollywood to pursue my literary aspirations, while perhaps admirable, was poorly considered.  I had no idea so many people had comparable desires.  (STRIKE 1)  I thought everyone wanted to be an actor because they get laid more.  Chalk this up to lack of research.   In a related note, I hate reality shows.

Regardless of my own ill-considered life decisions, I'm inspired every time someone not named Chuck Lorre or Jerry Bruckheimer sells a project.  The dude who came up with Shit My Dad Says got a TV show.  So there's gotta be room for a show about a feared Hollywood blogger?  (It appears I'm too lateSTRIKE 2.)

I even view my boss as inspiration.  She runs her own management business proving that if you're willing to take a risk, believe in yourself and have the smarts, you can make it in Hollywood.  Sure, business might be a little slow right now, but she's driven and things will pick back up, right?  STRIKE 3.

I immediately IMed my friend.

Temp X: Ugh.
Friend: What's the problem? 
Temp X: She is...an idiot.
Friend: Your boss?
Temp X: Yep.
Friend: What happened.
Temp X: During the staff meeting she said she didn't like having to make calls, pitch clients or do any...you know...WORK
Friend: STFU!!
Temp X: Yeah.  I'm employed by someone who formed a company that does work she's not interested in.
Friend: Amazing
Temp X: Kill me.  This place is basically a hobby with a payroll
Friend: I'm so sorry
Temp X: Oh and she also asked, and I quote, "In a business, what's the difference between a profit center and a cost center?"  Did I mention she owns the company?
Friend: LOL
Temp X: :|
Friend: What are you gonna do?
Temp X: Laugh.  Drink.  Cry.  The usual.

After work, I immediately went to buy a lottery ticket.  My luck can't get any worse.  What are the chances the winning numbers are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Free Variety is just slightly dimmer than Pay Variety

Maybe it was the monitor I had at my old job.  Maybe Variety is using cheaper computers.  But whatever it is, catching up on your trades online is easier than ever.  And it's still free.

Variety is blacking out their content using a shade of gray that makes everything quite decipherable.  Last time I hacked Variety because they used a security program comparable to using "password" as your password, they rapidly made changes.  Try it. It's fun.

Now if I only gave a shit about Ashton Kutcher.

Day 10: Temp X and Trader Joe's Project

Dinner:  Chilaquiles 

Refried Black Beans: $0.99 (16 oz.)
Scrambled Eggs: $1.49/dozen
Nachos:  $2.49 (16 oz.)
Salsa: Maybe $0.30 worth.  Extra spicy.

Yeah, I know.  More brown food.
There's something about Mexican food that's relaxing.  I liken it to comfort food that you can unashamedly serve with alcohol.  As I reconsider this logic, maybe I just want a meal I can drink with.  Well, that's neither here nor there.  Chilaquiles is beauty in its simplicity.  It is to food what a fart joke is to comedy -- it's easy and it works every time.

I already knew I can eat Mexican food -- or at least my version of Mexican -- any meal of the day.  But what I'd not realized until today is every time I eat this particular dish, I'm reminded my travels to Batopilas, a tiny town in Northern Mexico that's hardly touched by modern stresses.  It was there that I'd had chilaquiles for the first time.  While my version doesn't hold a candle to the one I had there (fresh ingredients apparently make a bit of a difference), it still delivers the feeling of serenity I had back then.  It's comfort food in the truest sense of the term.

Traffic jams don't exist here.
There's a lot to be stressed about in Hollywood.  It starts with the traffic jam on the way to work and only gets more challenging from there.  If a meal comprised of eggs, beans, chips and salsa can deliver the smallest bit of peace and tranquility to your life, have it.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Another Day In Hollywood: The one about the Script

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm gonna write about a million of these.  Hope you like it.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Are You Pretty Enough to Work at Saville Productions?

Thanks to one of my readers for pointing this out. See if you can figure out which part of this recent joblist posting should make you wonder what's going on at Saville...

(Comments in Red are mine)

Looking for a new assistant for an Exec Producer in TV commercials with interests in film and video games. (ok so far) Based in Los Angeles. (makes sense) Self Starter who wants to learn. (good, although the "s" in starter should be lower case)  Hard working and willing to put in the hours.  (typical)  Great at research.  (sure, it's called Google) Computer savvy.  (a little confused just because my theory is if you can find the posting and also respond, you've clearly established computer literacy) Need to upload showreels burn dvds etc. (not sure what that means, but it seems doable.  DVD should be capitalized.) Good at filing and organizing.   (i before e except after c) Good writing skills.  (Me talk pretty one day) Some errands.  (ugh) Sense of humor.  (a family walks into a talent agency...they do a bunch of dirty things...they call themselves "The Aristocrats.")  Interview Thursday 5th.  (whoops.  Shoulda posted this yesterday) Be ready to be trained starting August 9th $150/day.  (not awful, but still low paying)  4-5 days a week.  (are there choices between 4 and 5?) Initially freelance position. (read: no benefits) Please send resume and picture (BINGO!  IT'S THE OLD SEND A PICTURE WITH YOUR RESUME THINGY.  GOTTA LOVE IT.) to assist@savilleproductions.com

Unemployee of the Week -- Me

I'm a Pop star assistant with medium-width skin.  I'm also a Pisces, I like long walks on the beach and can type somewhere north of 40 WPM (but I do look at the keys).  I'm looking for work as a writer, writer's assistant, kept man, arm candy or whatever keeps me from having to sell one of my kidneys.  I'm trained in Shiatsu massage (not really, but you'd never know if I did it wrong) and am perfectly comfortable sleeping my way to middle management.  Just please pay more than $22k/yr.  That's just too low.  Seriously.  I mean I know the economy sucks and this is a highly-competitive industry, but let's be fair.

I can be reached at tempx@tempdiaries.com.

Plug Me: The Feel Good Film Festival

[One of my loyal readers is heavily involved in this festival. Check it out if you can.]

August 13-15, 2010

Egyptian Theatre
6712 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028

$10 (single screening) - $75 (weekend pass)

Info Line: 818-564-1589

If you're interested in your own plug, send all the details to tempx@tempdiaries.com and you too might achieve Internet immortality.  [For more info about Plug Me, read this post.]

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Day 9: Temp X and Trader Joe's Project

Dinner:  Gnocchi with mushrooms and tomato sauce

Gnocchi: $1.99 (17.6 oz.)
Tomato Basil Pasta Sauce: $1.79 (26 oz.)
Brown Mushrooms:  $1.69 (8 oz.)

Boiled potatoes with red stuff
I wasn't much of a cook in college.  In fact, I think I ate spaghetti for every meal during senior year.  This pasta overload had a long term effect on my dining habits.  To this day, I haven't cooked the "S" word and I'll only eat it when there's no other option.  But this presents a conundrum.  What to eat when you want something that's easy to make and feels like a grown-up meal?  Enter gnocchi -- spaghetti's potato-based cousin.  Boil up the little round guys, throw in some cooked mushrooms and some tomato sauce.  You'll be convinced you're eating like an adult even though you're not.

I learned that I can convince myself of pretty much anything.  

Convincing yourself of anything is perhaps the most useful skill an aspiring Hollywood-er can have.  For example, if you can convince yourself that you actually enjoy putting your Tisch degree to work as you re-organize the supply closet for little to no pay, you're well on your way to "succeeding" in Hollywood.  Mazel Tov.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Fake Ari only looks like Real Ari
I frequently receive emails asking me all sorts of questions about the entertainment industry.  I'd love to answer them, but I feel like I'd be doing you a disservice.  As an unemployed Temp, anything I say would be as useless as asking soon-to-be-ex BP CEO Tony Hayward about contingency planning.  But luckily I have connections.

Welcome to the newest feature from the Hollywood Temp Diaries -- Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I went on an interview for an internship at a production company. I was really excited because the exec told me that it would turn into an assistant position if I did a good enough job.  After the first round, he said "You seem like a really good guy" and asked me if I could return later that day to meet with the producer. Due to commitments I could not break (a part-time, paying job), I could not, but would be able to the next day.  The exec said this was fine and he would probably have me come in early the next morning.

After work, I emailed the exec asking him if he needs me to come in tomorrow. He responds the next day, "Things suddenly got really busy we'll meet next week." The next week rolls around and I don't hear from him again. So I give him a call and a girl picks up (I immediately knew that meant the position had been filled).  When I ask for the exec, she puts me on hold for a moment and then tells me, "He just stepped out."

Any idea why someone would do this? What do you think I should do the next time?

Not Real Ari; Coffee-bean pooping monkey
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  First of all, where's my coffee?  I've told you this a thousand fucking times, do not speak to me unless a) spoken to first, b) your name is Mark Wahlberg or c) you're buying me a $33 cup of that monkey crap Kopi Luwak coffee.  Jesus.  It's not that difficult.  Where did you go to college, the University of Stupid?

Ok plebe, I'm only gonna say this once because I have no time for your "woe is me" shit.  No one in this town cares that you have to pay rent or maybe you want to eat.  When a self-important exec says "Jump!" you say "How high, and can I get your lunch while I'm there?"  You know why?  Because there's a line of 15 people behind you willing to work for free.  I'm not sure how they afford it, but that's their problem.  All we execs need to do is dangle the mythical carrot of a "creative job" and you newbies will do anything.  Furthermore, we won't "hire" them unless they bring their own laptops.  This way the whole thing is free.  Pretty good business model, huh?

Oh.  Guess what?  You're hired.  Ok, now you're fired.  God that felt good.

Monday, August 2, 2010

"My life in Hollywood sucks" - August Calendar

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.