Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Still not real Ari
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I am Australian! Do you think anyone can sponsor my visa?

Are you looking at my boobs?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Listen you koala bear-eating jerk, don't bother Fake Ari with your "sponsor me" crap.  I have neither the time, nor the inclination to help you as I'm a busy, self-important executive focused on creating career-defining programs like LeBron James: The Decision.  But here's the truth.  Getting a work permit in Hollywood is easy.  You just need to follow the example set by some of WME2 clients like Kate Beckinsale (England), Will Arnett (Canada), Malin Ackerman (Sweden) and Hugh Jackman (Australia).  You know what they did right?  They were all born exceptionally good looking.  So hopefully you won the genetic lottery coming out of the chute.  If that's not in the cards, try hooking up with a company from your homeland that does business in Hollywood or contact executives with ties to your country.  I know a few people who have had luck following that path.  Or talk to my brother Rahm.  I'm sure he'll be happy to help.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I just moved closer to the city and have only been living around here for a couple months. Just wondered if you could recommend any decent bars or places to chill that aren't real pricey?

Another Frank Gehry-designed building
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: When I'm feeling thrifty, I go to Bar Nineteen 12 (9641 Sunset Blvd).  I'll just get something simple, like three fingers of Macallan 25 ($110) and a side order of Maine lobster tacos ($26).  Nothing ostentatious.  I'll even tone it down by taking the Beemer instead of the Porsche.  I've also heard my assistants talk about "scoring" $3 beer at Dillon's in Hollywood or throwing projectiles (I think they called them "darts") at a place called The Drawing Room in Los Feliz.  But I never travel east of La Cienega.  So you'll have to rely on their assessments.

1 comment:

Jacqui said...

haha great i love it! i'm the australian!

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