Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Fake Ari only looks like Real Ari
I frequently receive emails asking me all sorts of questions about the entertainment industry.  I'd love to answer them, but I feel like I'd be doing you a disservice.  As an unemployed Temp, anything I say would be as useless as asking soon-to-be-ex BP CEO Tony Hayward about contingency planning.  But luckily I have connections.

Welcome to the newest feature from the Hollywood Temp Diaries -- Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.


ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I went on an interview for an internship at a production company. I was really excited because the exec told me that it would turn into an assistant position if I did a good enough job.  After the first round, he said "You seem like a really good guy" and asked me if I could return later that day to meet with the producer. Due to commitments I could not break (a part-time, paying job), I could not, but would be able to the next day.  The exec said this was fine and he would probably have me come in early the next morning.

After work, I emailed the exec asking him if he needs me to come in tomorrow. He responds the next day, "Things suddenly got really busy we'll meet next week." The next week rolls around and I don't hear from him again. So I give him a call and a girl picks up (I immediately knew that meant the position had been filled).  When I ask for the exec, she puts me on hold for a moment and then tells me, "He just stepped out."

Any idea why someone would do this? What do you think I should do the next time?


Not Real Ari; Coffee-bean pooping monkey
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  First of all, where's my coffee?  I've told you this a thousand fucking times, do not speak to me unless a) spoken to first, b) your name is Mark Wahlberg or c) you're buying me a $33 cup of that monkey crap Kopi Luwak coffee.  Jesus.  It's not that difficult.  Where did you go to college, the University of Stupid?

Ok plebe, I'm only gonna say this once because I have no time for your "woe is me" shit.  No one in this town cares that you have to pay rent or maybe you want to eat.  When a self-important exec says "Jump!" you say "How high, and can I get your lunch while I'm there?"  You know why?  Because there's a line of 15 people behind you willing to work for free.  I'm not sure how they afford it, but that's their problem.  All we execs need to do is dangle the mythical carrot of a "creative job" and you newbies will do anything.  Furthermore, we won't "hire" them unless they bring their own laptops.  This way the whole thing is free.  Pretty good business model, huh?

Oh.  Guess what?  You're hired.  Ok, now you're fired.  God that felt good.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

HAHAAHA ! Get em Ari ! :D

Anonymous said...

You are so f-in creative. I wrote this before I read your post. I wish I had an older bro like u.

Anonymous said...

The real Ari must be a total assh*le. I would not work in Hollywood again ever (unless I was beyond desperate). The people are vile - especially if you work in one of the various industries that service them.

hoorayforhollywood said...

haha "service"

Anonymous said...

What I love is the"floater at caa" to know ari e is to know that he is thoroughly pissed at that. you know he knows because the wme2 commenters scour the web looking to tip the comment sections on anything wme2 related. They have turned deadline into spammy drivel.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, but this post reads like a "Swimming With Sharks" outtake rather than something original. While the Hollywood exec pool is overflowing with a-holes, I was expecting something more from you than a typical "executive a-hole rant." Does this post and the fact that you're not posting every day indicate that you're growing tired of doing this?

Anonymous said...

Okay, so the second post up was correct. See, one post up temp said that he is in no position to give advice so fake ari comes in. Fake ari was gruff but that is the right answer, you need to be avail and the job is a chore so if u can't jump now then why wait. Also, most of these people would rather ignore you than (wo)man up and say "if u cannot come back the job may not be here". You one up missed the point entirely. Read between the lines. I hate having phone convos with people like you. Which is why I posted.

Temp X said...

For the 8/5 @ 7:17 a.m. poster: I'm sorry that you did not enjoy the maiden voyage of "Ask Fake Ari Emanuel." While it is my objective to make sure every reader is equally satisfied with the Temp Diaries product, it's apparent that there are disparate tastes among the readers. I'll attempt to do better next time.

And yes, I'm tired of doing this. So very, very tired.

hoorayforhollywood said...

I like it. Keep it coming!!! It's the only thing getting through my temp job, where I have to man the front desk for 5 hours straight with only one 15-minute break.

Anonymous said...

(this is from 8/5 7:17 poster) Hey, I'm a temp and have time on my hands. In my hours of boredom, I realized I did't remember seeing any criticisms of Temp X's posts and decided to see what would happen if I tossed out one. I am now amused by this post because of the two responses to my comment.

Femme Fatale et Noire said...

This is great! The abuses in Hollywood are unreal sometimes.

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