Friday, November 11, 2011

Brett Ratner's apology (the one with tracked changes)

Well, it's been a rough couple days for Brett Ratner.  He talks openly about his sperm count and how "Rehearsal is for fags," and next thing you know, he's out of a job producing The Oscars.

So to avoid becoming a complete pariah in Hollywood, his publicist told him he needed to issue a statement apologizing.  But before every final statement there's a rough draft.  And my sources tell me that Brett wanted a first crack at it.

Thanks to those same sources, I now have Brett's original version of his "I'm sorry" statement complete with tracked changes.


It was a sexy dumb way of expressing the one and only Brett Ratner myself. Everyone who knows Brett Ratner me loves Brett Ratner knows that I don’t have a (Use a fancy word here. That's what you get paid for, not me.) prejudiced boner bone in Brett Ratner's my body. On the subject of that, have I mentioned how big my balls are? Plus I'm fucking great at oral sex while eating shrimp.  Just ask Olivia Munn.  But as the maker of such cinematic genius as After the Sunset and Double Take a storyteller Brett Ratner I should have been much more (what's the word for when you think?) thoughtful about how much the entire world hangs on everything Brett Ratner says the power of language and my choice of (What's the word for those things in sentences?) words.

P.S. I've got to go.  There's fresh Hollywood meat waiting for me in my bedroom, and she's got an ass you can bounce a $100 off of. 

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