Monday, August 22, 2011

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Do these pants make
my ego look big?
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I went to a few semesters of college, but didn't finish with a degree. Will this completely ruin my chances of working at an agency like WME2 or some less important ones?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari is in a meeting right now, so Fake Ari's assistant is gonna field this question.

First of all, don't tell him I answered your question.  If he finds out I did, Ari will beat me with a gym bag full of Modern Family specs.  He's done it before.  And let me tell you, if a brass fastener hits you on the head, it can draw blood.  Plus he'll make me clean it up.

Now to answer your question.  WME2 probably won't hire you directly because we're snobs and we can be picky with who we hire.  But there's always an end-around to this sort of thing.  If you come in to WME2 (or lesser firm) though a temp agency and are lucky enough to get a long-term assignment, you can prove your skills that way.  Then make friends with people things might just work out for you.  It's sort of like an on-the-job audition.

Shit, I gotta get going.  I can hear him yelling at Lee White.  Fake Ari hates those reality goons.

No one is here.
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a recent college graduate who has recently moved out to Hollywood. I'd like very much to follow-up on my online application submissions for assistant gigs, but everywhere I call find a contemptuous receptionist saying, "Oh, they'll call you," while my attempts at in-person follow-ups have consistently been met with similar responses — only complemented by micro-expressions of complete bewilderment.

So how exactly does one follow-up with an application with a big company without being brushed away by the receptionist gate-keeper?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari never ceases to be amazed by how stupid you new college grads are.  If only they taught you common sense in college versus film history bullshit like mise-en-scène and deus ex machina.

Here's the deal.  And it's so simple, even a pinhead like you can understand it.  Ready?  I don't want to go too fast for you because you seem slightly daft.  But here's the answer.  IF THEY WANT TO CALL YOU, THEY'LL CALL YOU.

So while the receptionist may act like a contemptuous shithead, she is also an accurate contemptuous shithead.  Nevermind the fact that she's probably angling for the job that you're applying for.  So pissing her off isn't gonna do you any good anyway.

Just sit back, apply for a job and then move on.  And please, never ask me such an inane question again.

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