I was Temping in a concrete corporate dungeon when my voicemail "binged." (I couldn't get a signal at my cubicle. Natch.). So I called the folks back from the landline and they said they had good news. Everything after that was a blur/haze of Himalayan cuisine and discounted vodka. My long national nightmare was now over. I had a job. A low paying job, but a job.
From this point forward I will be working at [Company name redacted] as an assistant to [Executive name redacted].
This isn't just a shock to the system for me, but I'm sure it's also one for you the viewer. You probably have a lot of questions about what this means for our relationship. I was your partner is misery. A confidant. A virtual shoulder to cry on. Fear not. The bond that we have remains unchanged. I (Hollywood) Love You.
The following should answer any questions you might have about the Temp Diaries. If you have any other questions, email me at TempX@tempdiaries.com
Did you really get a full-time job?
Yes. I know. I'm as surprised as you are. I figured I was destined to have to forge supervisor signatures for the rest of my days.
Will you make fun of your current employer?
Only after I quit/get fired. Until then, I'm sure I'll have little difficulty finding inanity in Hollywood. Plus, some of my co-workers were aware of my secret identity (some secret, eh?).
What does this mean for the Temp Diaries?
The Temp Diaries will actually be moving to 11:35 p.m. on NBC. Or at least that's what Jeff Zucker told me. If that doesn't work out, I guess I'll stay here and continue to write about life in Hollywood's underclass. But I must warn you, if/when I start making big time cash (read more than $12/hr), I'm stopping this blog immediately.
Will you change your name now that you're no longer a Temp?
Yes. I'm thinking of changing it to something catchier like Brad Pitt or Gidamis Shahanga. Chicks love guys with cool names, and these are about the coolest names there are. But this won't be for a few more months as these are expensive procedures. In the interim I'll stay with Temp X.
How did your Pimp react?
Like any smart Ho, you don't tell your Pimp that you're quitting, because he'll hunt you down and drag you back. You just quit, change your number and run away.
What's the best thing about your new job?
I can save my cell phone minutes and use their phones instead. Also they had chocolate-covered pretzels from a Christmas gift basket. I say "had" because I finished them off yesterday.
What's the worst thing about your new job?
The pay. That and the commute. Did I mention the pay? Seriously, I made more Temping and I almost made more on unemployment.
What's your secret to getting a job?
Send out thousands of resumes. Interview at hundreds of places. Endure countless rejection. Suck up to everyone. Wait four years. After that you've got at least a 20 percent chance of getting a job in Hollywood.
Any words of inspiration you can offer an aspiring Hollywooder?
Every "No" hurts, but that one "Yes" feels great.
Did you really get a full-time job? Still yes. But like anything in Hollywood, success can be fleeting.