You see there's been power vacuum since Johnny Grant died nearly a year ago. And, as no one stepped in to fill that void, I decided I will. So after months of a Machiavellian and Nixonian campaign based on subterfuge, reconnaissance and Miller High Life, I officially took over as King on January 1, 2009.
So what does this mean to you, the hourly cog? I like to think of this new order as a more logical version of the Cuban Revolution (happy 50th!). I understand the plight of indentured servants like you, but rather than nationalize and redistribute wealth (or what's left of it), I'd simply like to make Hollywood fair, equitable and reasonable. And maybe even include a bit of humanity.
As I'm in charge, the following rules are immediately in place:
[Note: I have as much power as George Bush does these days, so results may vary.]
All assistants will receive health insurance, paid vacation, a 401k and the requirements as set forth by California's Office of Labor Commissioner.
Assistant positions will present an opportunity for growth. This means your boss will ask you for coverage, notes, creative input and activities that use your degree from Tisch or comparable institution.
There will be no more TV show remakes, movie remakes, TV shows made into movies, movies made into TV shows or worst of all -- video games turned into movies. Additionally, an independent, five-judge panel will review all requests to turn comic books into movies.
There will be no more hidden-camera shows upon the February 2009 cancellation of Howie do it and Game Show in my Head. Candid Camera (which actually began as Candid Microphone in 1947!) wasn't funny before and it's not funny now. I don't care how much of it comes from the "mind" of Ashton Kutcher.
Each assistant's salary will sufficiently cover rent, utilities, food, student loan payments and select nights out on the town. Furthermore, raises will be no less than a cost of living adjustment and bonuses will not simply be the "re-gifting" of something your boss didn't want.
There will be no more reality TV programs about dancing, singing or anything that resembles at 5th grade talent show. Additionally, there will be no more televised "Fat Camps" or programs featuring never weres (cough...Trishelle).
Companies must hire any Temp who has been in the same position for three months. I know people who've been on the same temp assignment for two years! Additionally, Interns not receiving college credit will get at least minimum wage.
Interviews and employment will be based on skill, education and qualifications rather than any other irrelevant considerations.
Assistants will no longer have to dial the phone for anyone but themselves.
I reserve the right to add more as necessary and am taking suggestions. Lucky for me, I don't have any work today. So I've got time to think of other ones.