Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Awards Season Preview Preview

Hollywood is infatuated with itself on a level that would make Narcissus blush. And as we move into awards season, this self-love is about to get a lot messier.

The nice thing about awards season you'll see a lot less of your boss because he/she will often ditch work to go to the ceremony or at least the parties. Sure, you'll have to work your magic to get them into parties they don't deserve to attend (Tip: Promise stuff you can't deliver on), but the end justifies the means.

However once your boss ditches work, you'll have time to kill. Allow me, the King of Hollywood, to help you figure out ways to fill that time...

Jan. 7 -- People's Choice Awards
Your boss will...only go to the parties but will say they need to hold Molly Shannon/Selma Blair/etc. hand as she loses to Jay Mohr or that fat guy from Worst Week who kinda looks like the fat guy from Spin City.

While your boss is away...try watching any of the shows nominated for "Cancelled Show that Deserves a Second Chance" -- Do Not Disturb, Easy Money, The Ex List, My Own Worst Enemy, Valentine. Keep a barf bag handy.

Jan. 8 -- VH-1 Critics' Choice Awards
Your boss will...not go but demand you hook them up with afterparty tix because they've always wanted to hang with Snoop Dogg.

While your boss is away...check out an old Michael Bolton video from when VH-1 was the soft rock alternative to MTV. Then try to figure out what either network does these days.

Jan. 11 -- Golden Globe Awards
Your boss will...leave Friday after lunch for two days of pre-parties which will likely extend into something known as "The Lost Weekend plus Monday"

While your boss is away....celebrate the true drunken spirit of the Golden Globes by raiding your boss's liquor cabinet [Hint: It's the bottles on top of the scripts he/she's been ignoring]. Throw back a cocktail or seven. For bonus points name one member of the Hollywood Foreign Press or simply play the Golden Globes drinking game.

Jan. 15 - 25 -- Sundance Film Festival
Your boss you and, while attempting to drown out the sound of a chair lift, claim it's urgent they extend their Park City stay three days.

While your boss is away...Slather some zinc oxide on your shnoz, bring in Shaun White snowboarding for the Wii and setup base camp in your boss's office. To simulate Park City's altitude, bring along a Mountain Air Generator. As for the movies and networking part, just call Jason Reitman and buy his next film.

Jan. 25 -- Screen Actors Guild Awards
Your boss will
...forget to go. [Tip: Spend the weekend practicing lies to tell your client's manager. You'll need them for Monday.]

Jan. 31 -- DGA Awards
Your boss at the Super Bowl, which means you better get those tickets pronto.

Feb. 7 -- Writers Guild Awards
Your boss will...not be attending. Hanging out with neurotic writers dressed in sweatshirts, baseball caps and unwashed jeans? No thanks. And it's on a Saturday.

Feb. 7 -- Academy Awards Scientific and Technical Awards
Your boss will...getting a mani/pedi instead. Worst afterparties ever. And it's on a Saturday.

Feb. 8 -- Grammy Awards
Your boss will...go even though he/she doesn't rep anyone who can even play Guitar Hero well much less sing. Who cares if it's on a Sunday? Snoop Dogg will be there and he's got some bubonic shit.

While your boss is away
...It's on a Sunday, so you'll be working your second job.

Feb. 14 -- Art Directors Guild Awards
Your boss...doesn't give two shits about this. Go back to your desk and let's start rolling calls.

Feb. 22
-- Academy Awards
Your boss will...leave for the Grand Daddy of them all early on Friday and won't return until late Tuesday afternoon.

While your boss is away...leave early Friday or make photocopies of incriminating emails your boss has sent to another employer/lover/etc. Put those away for safe keeping. For bonus points, sneak into Ari Emanuel's famed Oscar party. Tell security your name is Lloyd.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You forgot about the IFC Spirit awards!

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