Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The 2009 Bennie Awards -- Part 2

For those of you who missed Part 1 of the Bennie Awards, click here.

Wow. That was some first day of the Bennies. I haven't had that much fun since recording the Director's Commentary on the Mr. Saturday Night DVD. And did you see the write ups on Movieline and TheWrap? The Bennies are almost as popular as Comic Relief, and twice as funny.

But enough about me. Let's dive right in to the awards before we get yanked off the air. Our first presenter tonight is the other half of the Vamp X and Donnie Show -- the only sitcom about Vampires in Milwaukee -- put your hands together for Donnie.

I'd like to thank The Academy, my lord and savior Jesus Christ and my...wait. Why are you pointing at the cue cards? I don't understand. What are you writing down? You...Didn't...Win...You're... Just...Presenting? Oh, ha. Whoops. Right, I knew that. I'm just a little dim sometimes. So the nominees for Worst Actress are: Jenna Elfman for Accidentally on Purpose, Courtney Cox for Cougar Town, Ellen Pompeo for Grey's Anatomy, Arianna Huffington for The Cleveland Show and Ashlee Simpson for Melrose Place.

And the Golden Trashcan goes to...Ashlee Simpson. Accepting for Ms. Simpson's award is the creator and Executive Producer of Saturday Night Live, Mr. Lorne Michaels.

Thank you so much. This is such an honor to be among...Thank you so much. This is such an honor to be among...Thank you so much. This is such an honor to be among...Hmm. Something must be wrong with backing vocals. I'll dance around now and hope this awkward moment passes.

Thank you Lorne. Remember when SNL was funny. Back in the good old days when it was Chevy and Bill Murray and Belushi and...Wait a second...I was a series regular. Doesn't anyone remember my catch phrase, "You Look Marvelous?" Perhaps a little refresher course as you sit back and enjoy my next musical number? And a one. And a two and a you know what to do...

I really am a triple threat aren't I? Like me, our next presenter is also a triple threat. You might catch a venereal disease from any one of her orifices. Ladies and gentlemen, the star of...well I can't read any of these titles...Ms. Jenna Jameson.

Ni furaha kuwa hapa. Mimi nadhani wewe hawakujua kwamba mimi aliongea Kiswahili. Lakini mimi kufanya. Porn stars si matiti tu na butts. Sisi ni watu akili stahili heshima yako.

What? You look surprised that I speak Swahili. And the nominees for Worst Actor are: Kelsey Grammer for Hank, Charlie Sheen for Two and a Half Men, Chris O'Donnell for NCIS-Los Angeles, Scott Wolf for V and The Jonas Brothers for JONAS.

And the Golden Trashcan goes to...the only three men in the world who haven't seen my naughty bits -- The Jonas Brothers! The Jonas Brothers couldn't be here tonight because it's past their 8 o'clock curfew. So I accept this award on their behalf.

Now I met our final presenter in gym class at Bayview High School in Long Island. She threw a dodge ball faster than Sandy Koufax on Yom Ha'atzmaut. Ladies and gentlemen, the host of Yenta -- the semi-successful website for aspiring filmmakers -- Yenta X.

Oy. I'm verklempt. So nervous. My pupik hasn't felt like this since I ate that rotten lox at the Rosenstein's Break Fast. Anyway, it's been a terrible year in scripted TV. Jenna Elfman is back in Knocked Up: The TV Series. The Beautiful Life: TBL had a most unbeautiful run of two episodes before getting circumcised off The CWs fall line up. And Hank. Gevalt! I've had nail appointments that have lasted longer than that show.

Well, enough of this mishegas, the nominees for Worst Scripted Program are: Accidentally on Purpose, Eastwick, The Forgotten,The Beautiful Life: TBL and Melrose Place.

And the winner of the Golden Trashcan is...Oy Vey! It's The Beautiful Life: TBL. Accepting the award for The Beautiful Life:TBL is former star turned yesterday's news Mischa Barton.

Where am I? This isn't Hyde, Skybar, Element, Mood or Area, is it? Who are all you people? Can I bum a smoke? Please?

Security. Can you show the lovely lady to her manacles? Yikes. I haven't seen anything go that wrong that quickly since I wrote My Giant -- or as I like to call it -- the highlight of Gheorghe Muresan's acting career.

Well, that's the end of our show. I'd like to thank everyone for coming out tonight -- except Anderson Cooper. Drive home safely.

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