Friday, March 5, 2010

Text Message Movie Review -- Twilight: New Moon

While my true identification remains a secret to most of you, the one hint I can give you is I'm not a 14-year old girl. This explains why I hadn't seen Twilight or Twilight: New Moon or any of the derivative sexy vampire movies or TV shows until last night. But with nothing else to do and a bootleg DVD of the box office smash (complete with Arabic subtitles), I decided to dive right in and experience the phenomenon.

As the movie began, I quickly became confused. I wondered how it's possible this movie made $700 million. I mean it's awful. So I started sending text messages to the friend who let me borrow the movie. Later, I realized that what I'd done was written an unintentional review. So, if you haven't seen New Moon, or want to know what I think of it, here it goes...

9:39 pm - Twilight: New Moon is cinematic garbage. Dreadful really.

9:41 pm -- I'm not even sure there's a script. I think they just made the whole thing up.

9:46 pm -- There's not yet a plot. And I've watched 20 minutes of it.

9:48 pm -- I'm not sure why he's (Edward) dumping her (Bella). I honestly don't know what prompted it.

9:49 pm -- And the music is frighteningly melodramatic. To the point of being embarrassing.

9:51 pm -- Why are they always in the forest? Are there no streets or sidewalks in this town?

9:53 pm -- This movie feels like what I imagine an After School Special in Germany might be.

10:14 pm -- It feels like I'm watching a bunch of dailies cobbled together in no particular order. And that any scene could be switched around with little consequence to the story.

10:26 pm -- And the winner for worst CGI/special effects is...Twilight: New Moon. [Ed. Note: This was during the first appearance of the coyotes, which looked like a feral version of the cast of the Country Bear Jamboree.]

10:32 pm -- The logical progression for Bella's love life: Vampire, over sized wolf, secret parakeet.

10:40 pm -- Quote of the movie "You're not the first monsters I've met." (Soon replaced by "Jacob's kind of a werewolf.")

10:50 pm -- It seems to have a pro-suicide and pro-abstinence message. I'm so confused.

11:10 pm -- When did vampires start dressing like mimes?


Anonymous said...

you are amazing.

Anonymous said...

This was funny. It reminds me of when you blog along with bad TV shows. You should make this a regular feature; blogging along with bad movies.

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