Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Text Message Movie Review -- Twilight

A few weeks ago, I sat through the worst movie I'd ever seen -- Twilight: New Moon.  To get even with the friend who let me borrow it, I decided to send her text messages with my minute-to-minute assessment of the film.  I called this new feature Text Message Movie Review.

Turns out this feature was such a hit, I decided to do it again.  And what better film to watch than what is now the worst movie I've ever seen -- Twilight.  Or as I like to call it, Boredom: Part One.  

10:45 p.m. -- Welcome to another edition of Text Message Movie Review.  Today, I bring you Twilight...strap on your barf bag.

10:47 p.m. -- I think I'm in Hell.  No.  I know I'm in Hell.  A Hell not seen since Caddyshack 2.  And acting levels not seen since the Woodcrest Community Center's production of Our Town.

10:52 p.m. -- If Kristen Stewart does any more voice overs, this movie will switch genres from a teen angst to film noir. 

10:58 p.m. -- The chick from Up in the Air fake laughs like the Oscar nominee she was.

11:06 p.m. -- Tengo que vomitar (I have a tendency to speak Spanish after a couple drinks.  This is a prime example of that.)

11:11 p.m. -- The slow motion running makes it appear that an episode of Baywatch broke out during my viewing of Twilight.

11:12 p.m. -- I shall at this moment refer to something I said in my review of New Moon...This film is shot like a senior project that got a C-minus.

11:19 p.m. -- Rather than study at Stella Adler, it appears that the dramatic training for this film was courtesy of Acting For Dummies: Volumes 1 and 3.

11:25 p.m. -- Quote of the movie comes from Bella, "I don't like cold, wet things."

11:27 p.m. -- The sexual tension in this film could be cut with a Q-Tip.

11:31 p.m. -- If only the car that almost hit Bella and Edward had been a Ford Pinto.  An explosion killing them both could have rescued this film.  Sigh.

11:35 p.m. -- Imagined quote of the movie comes from Edward, "Bella, we shouldn't be in this movie together.  It's bad for everyone."

11:44 p.m. -- I have concluded this...teenage girls are very stupid.  They have a lot of disposable income (and gullible parents), but they are dumb nonetheless.

11:47 p.m. -- I hold you [Name Redacted] personally responsible for making me watch this crap.  Not because it's true, but because it's easier than blaming myself.

11:51 p.m. -- Note to self: Never tell anyone you can hear what they're thinking.  On a side note, who thinks of money, sex and cats in that order?

11:52 p.m. -- Methinks she thinks he's a Vampire.  Duh.  What was the other option?  An underwhelming version of an Insane Clown Posse fan (a.k.a. Juggalo).

11:58 p.m. -- About three things I am sure 1) this is beyond the worst movie ever 2) I would rather be bitten by a bat (note: not a vampire, a real bat) than watch this movie again 3) this film should never have been financed.

At this point it was getting late.  So I decided to skip out on the last half of the movie, go home and rest up for a dull Monday at work.  Coincidentally (or maybe not) this was also the point where my tolerance for cinematic garbage reached its breaking point.  How I look forward to Twilight: Eclipse.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love this new feature. Could you please do it with other movies? I suggest "Grease 2" or "Eddie and the Cruisers 2: Eddie Lives," or anything else you want to do, but please do more of these! I love your blog.

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