Monday, March 30, 2009

Search Engine Somethingamization

People end up at the Hollywood Temp Diaries for any number of reasons -- they want the UTA job list and...errr...ok, maybe that's the only thing that draws them it? Or is it?

Like Anthony Pellicano, I sleuthed around (in my case using the perfectly legal Google Analytics) and came up with some interesting answers. The advantage to this information is it helps me improve site content and also improve access through the convoluted science that is Search Engine Optimization.

The majority of the search terms are for things like "Temp agencies in Hollywood" or "How to roll calls," information I have answers to on my site. But every once in a while, I'll get a search for something quite out of the ordinary. Below are some of the queries and what I believe are answers to their questions.

Do you get paid in an agency mail room? -- This is actually a two-part answer. "YES," you get paid to work in an agency mail room if you consider it in an Adam Smith and The Wealth of Nations kinda way. That is there is a financial transaction in exchange for goods or services. The other part of the answer is "NO," which answers your real question, "Do you get paid enough work in an agency mail room to afford a life above the poverty line?" [FYI: The invisible hand paying you $11/hr belongs to Kevin Huvane, who is also spending a whole bunch more for the 5-Diamond resort for a company retreat you're not going on.]

California EDD not answering my calls -- The irony of an economic down turn is the only place that's short staffed is the unemployment office. When you call on Monday, the recording tells you to call back Wednesday because the lines won't be as busy. So you call Wednesday, and the recording tells you to call Wednesday because the lines aren't as busy. Then you wonder what sort of M.C. Escher drawing on a Moebius strip world you've entered. The correct way to deal with this is issue is learn Mandarin and call in on that line. Of course by the time you learn Mandarin, the recession will be over.

What lie to tell your boss to go on vacation? -- This one's a little tricky but just follow me. Tell your boss you really are "going on vacation." Your boss, certain you're lying because he knows no assistant in Hollywood can afford a vacation, will think you actually have a job interview. Fearing his life will turn to shambles without you, he'll give you a $10,000 raise to keep you from "quitting." This pay raise will actually allow you to take a REAL vacation rather than the one you planned (laying on the couch, drinking cheap beer and playing Grand Theft Auto 4). The truth will set you free.

Why are temps so slutty? -- An excellent question with a simple answer. Temps are slutty because it's very difficult to interest anyone in a meaningful, loving relationship once they find out you're only periodically employed. Money can't buy you love, but absence of money won't get you squat, so you might as well give it away.


Anonymous said...

I NEVER get laid when I tell people I'm a temp. When I tell them I'm working for a big-name director or producer, it's a jamboree!

Only in Hollywood does a person "date up."

Anonymous said...

i think my gf of 2009 just broke up with me cause my 5 month temp position ended. i didn't tell her i was temp though until after i broke the news as if it was some saving grace... "it's all good, i was just a temp anyways"

Anonymous said...

As you said, "The invisible hand paying you $11/hr belongs to Kevin Huvane." I know this all too well and have to tell you that I "think" most people that make it into and through the mailroom AND go on to the next level are the ones that live off of a trust fund or mommy and daddy's money. The industry is just that, "how much do you have?" and "I want to rub elbows with you, so I'll hire your offspring." Otherwise, who the hell can afford to work and live below poverty level while maintaining a a college loan, wardrobe, gas, a car, auto insurance, rent, toothpaste and oh yeah, food? Nepotism at it's finest!

"So, if you don't have rich parents, a trust fund or a bachelor's degree, go look else where for work... and we don't care what your experience is or how much of you have..."

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