Before moving to Hollywood, Temp X had a career in corporate America. I dealt with crazy clients, bosses who were embarrassingly unfamiliar with their own product and a dreadful 30-mile commute to Office Park Hell. This actually has nothing to do with today's topic. I just need to say that sometimes to remind myself I'm not a complete moron.
One thing my parents never pressured me to do was become a doctor. (I don't know why as I'm Jewish and have terrible handwriting.) But for today, let's pretend I am. In the nearly four years I've been in Hollywood, I've either witnessed or experienced every type of psychiatric condition. Or better put, I have the same business providing medical health advice as does the unlicensed Dr. Phil. So let's get to it.
Following is a list of conditions common among people in Hollywood as well as treatments tailored to the level of severity. Hope this helps.
Characterized by the fear that your parents are going to ask you, "When are you going to give up on that Hollywood nonsense?"
Minor: Use caller ID to screen out such phone calls.
Moderate: Play Grand Theft Auto 4. Beating up animated characters with a tire iron can be cathartic.
Severe: Your boss has Lorazepam and Grey Goose in his desk. Combine and consume.
Characterized by wondering why you wasted four years at Yale Drama School and two years getting an MFA at the Iowa Writers' Workshop so you can make lunch reservations for your boss.
Minor: Take a day off from work, wistfully gaze at your diplomas and then peruse your college photo albums. Ahh...those were the days...before you got fat and your hair started to fall out.
Moderate: Skip a credit card payment. Nothing is a worse reminder of your professional futility than realizing your Visa bill exceeds your monthly income.
Severe: Win the lottery.
Characterized by the inability to come up with a new script idea even though you spent much of the day at Starbucks eavesdropping on conversations.
Minor: Put on a cashmere sweater and relax with a liqueur, spirit or cordial and a crossword puzzle. Use 33 Across as the basis for your next script.
Moderate: Read one of your old scripts and realize how easy it will be to improve on that sorry excuse for writing. You didn't even have a B-story much less a C-story.
Severe: Travel to South America, watch TV there, steal their best idea and pass it off as your own. [Bonus points if you sell it to NBC]
Characterized by the fear of going out and performing in front of a group of people - may include vomiting, diarrhea or saying "Oh Fuck!" repeatedly.
Minor: Drink a beer and imagine everyone is naked.
Moderate: Drink two beers and imagine everyone is naked.
Severe: Drink three beers, imagine everyone is naked and are wielding pitchforks and like an angry mob will kill you if you don't go out there already. Sheesh. It's just a performance of Our Town in a church basement. Get over it.