Tuesday, March 24, 2009

What kind of assistant are you?

"What kind of [insert noun here] are You?" surveys are all the rage on Facebook these days. These tests are comparable to the one you took in 4th grade where everyone wanted to be a veterinarian. That was until they realized being a vet involved popping anal ducts on a 185 lb Mastiff with the scoots.

But I figured I might as well join this bandwagon. It might increase site traffic. So I've devised a simple test to help you determine what kind of assistant you are. You can use this as a career guide or simply tell your therapist when he asks why you're crying again.

Take the test and follow the instructions. It's that easy...

Where do you prefer get your boss coffee from?
1 - McDonald's
2 - Starbucks
3 - That fancy Italian cafe across the street
4 - Reheating yesterday's leftover swill, passing it off as new and telling your boss that really bitter coffee is all the rage in Vancouver.

Jammed photocopiers make you...
1 - Happy, because you have a built in excuse to not go back to your desk.
2 - Stupid, because you double majored in Film and Econ and you can't figure out how to fix the fucking thing.
3 - Angry, because you end up getting toner all over your clothes.
4 - Strange aroused, because...errr...

I'd do anything for my boss including...
1 - Pick up his dry cleaning.
2 - Turn on his computer every morning and print out every email, even the Spam.
3 - Ask for a refund from his coke dealer because "it just wasn't that good."
4 - Bang his wife (she's hot and she's flirts with me every time she calls. I guess technically that's not doing something for him, but whatever.)

I realized I'd been an assistant too long the moment...
1 - I got excited that my employer has an electric hole puncher
2 - I was glad the stock market crash had no effect on my 401k because I don't make enough to contribute to it in the first place.
3 - I love every second of every minute of every day of my job.
4 - When I started answering my home phone "[Insert your boss's name here] Office"

If I could do anything in Hollywood, I'd...
1 - Produce, whatever that means
2 - Write, because it's cheaper than therapy
3 - Be just one level above my boss so i could make his/her life miserable
4 - Get a boob/nose/lip job so I can finally get an agent. My years of classical training don't seem to be cutting it.

The most entertaining show on TV is...
1 - Gossip Girl
2 - It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
3 - Anything that my boss booked a client on
4 - Anything on BBC - America (before Ben Silverman acquires the rights and subsequently fucks it up.)

The character on Entourage I identify most with is...
1 - Eric, because I'm in a little over my head but I try really hard.
2 - Lloyd, because my boss constantly yells at me.
3 - Ari Gold, because I'm a soulless Hollywood prick.
4 - Vince, because I'm philosophical about life and smoke a bunch of weed.

The joy I derive from answering phones from 8 a.m. - 7 p.m. is comparable to...
1 - Getting my diploma from USC Film school
2 - Having my temperature taken...down there.
3 - Sneaking my way past the bouncers and into Hyde, back when it was popular.
4 - Having my life goals explained to me by online quizzes.

So for every time you answered #1, you have 1 point. For every #2, you have two points. And so on. Add the numbers up and see where you fit in with the scale below...

0-8 - You're a newbie and still an idealist. This will change but for now take any gig that pays.

9-16 - You're a realist and should only work for small production companies that make "important/critically acclaimed films." [Note: These companies often fail.]

- You have the soul of one of the Dark Lords of the Sith. Hello Deathstar (CAA).

- You're still fairly normal and don't start every conversation with the sentence "So what gig are you at these days?" Move out of town quickly.

- You can't add properly. Try again.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for the laugh.

The Ramen Diaries said...

This is brilliant! I've been a fan for a while and you've inspired a lot of what we're trying to do! Mind if we add you to our blogroll?

Thanks for the laughs!

Post a Comment