Wednesday, February 4, 2009

So you're Jobless -- the 200th Episode Spectacular

The irony is not lost on me that I've completed another 100 postings and my career is suffering from the same malady it was in September -- Unintended Time Off (UTO). In my defense, this recent bout with UTO is a 2009 phenomenon and coincides with massive layoffs that have claimed the jobs of a few thousand of my Hollywood brethren.

I was watching TV (duh!) and noticed there's no shortage of news on how to keep from getting laid off. But amidst all these nonsensical terms like "recession-proof jobs" and "make yourself indispensable," I noticed the lack of stories aimed at the jobless and what to do now that you have nothing to do. That's where I come in.

May I offer some of the following ideas during this time of incredible inactivity and joblessness:

Use your computer for something other than checking out Facebook, Defamer, Deadline Hollywood or TMZ. For example, computers make excellent doorstops as well as drink coasters.

Write the great American novel. The paperback edition of For Whom The Bell Tolls is 471 pages. If you re-type 10 pages of Hemingway per day (taking weekends off), that'll take you more than two months. By then the economy is sure to be better.

Watch every one of the 800+ movies made in the 1990s. Then figure out which one to re-write. This will keep you one step ahead of the inevitable grunge era nostalgia/remake frenzy when it hits in about two years. [Note: It's ok to not watch 200 Cigarettes. That movie was awful.]

Calculate the exact date and time at which moving back in with your parents will cause you to go batshit crazy.

Attempt to resolve Hollywood's ultimate Catch-22, "I can't get an acting job without an agent, but I can't get an agent unless I've booked an acting gig."

Do a little investigating and see if you're related to someone famous. That will likely accelerate your ability to secure a job. [Back-up option: Change your last name to Spielberg.]

Try to determine what other marketable skills you -- a Yale drama school grad -- have for your inevitable transition into web advertising sales. Please be aware that reciting Berowne's monologue from Shakespeare's Love's Labour's Lost does not count as a marketable skill.

Review Forbes magazine's list of "recession-proof jobs." Attempt to figure out what any of them actually do (e.g., Business Analysis -- Research).

Figure out what day of the week it is.


Anonymous said...

you keep it real

Anonymous said...

I particularly loved Forbes' explanation for the trouble employers have in filling jobs for administrative assistants: "It's hard to find people who can live on less than $50,000 a year"

Apparently the folks at Forbes has never lived in Hollywood!

Anonymous said...

Honey, what you need to do is start arranging "mocktial hours." Pick a destination, everyone brings his or her libation of choice and have a grand ole time of it. I just think if all of the the unemployed people had a venue to sit and gripe, it would make things a little more tolerable.

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