10 things I hate about Hollywood

I recently posted the "10 Things I Love About Hollywood." Well, for every Yin there's a Yang. I'm not sure which one this list is, but that's of marginal importance. So without any further adieu, here's what sucks about living here..

I can't watch TV or movies normally anymore. I now visualize the script. I look for consistency errors or cheap set construction. Heck, I get jealous during the credits. It's kind of a drag. [Note: This situation is exacerbated when drinking.]

I sweat involuntarily. This has nothing to do with taking E, X, Special K or any other drug with a capital letter. It's damn hot here during the summer. And until I can afford a place in Malibu or marry Britney Spears, that's not gonna change.

It's about 5 1/2 hours too far from San Francisco. People are weird in LA because they want to get discovered. People are weird in SF because they don't care what anyone thinks of them. I prefer the latter over the former. Plus there's random nudity in SF.

Celebrities and their Award Shows screw up traffic in an instant. Traffic sucks enough already in this town. So shutting off Highland Ave. for a self-congratulatory exercise makes me hate both celebrities and PVB employees.

I'm more self conscious than ever about my looks. I've since started wearing my Nixon mask all the time, but tell people I'm just paying homage to Point Break.

You can't find a decent bagel here. Yep. I'm Jewish. And if you say Canter's, I banish you from this site. (Not really, I need all the readers I can get.)

I'm constantly thinking of turning everything I do into a script. I go to the gym. How about Paul Blart: Professional Trainer? I go to work. Swimming with Sharks 2: The Unnecessary Sequel? The pizza delivery guy shows up...err...wait...I don't live in the Valley.

Low-flying helicopters. I've never lived in a city with so many whirly birds. I'm not sure what they're doing, where they're going or why they need to fly at 200 feet. I just know sometimes they fly so low my apartment shakes. Although this may be more indicative of the construction of my hovel.

It's weird going outside the Hollywood bubble. Everyone talks about boring things like their family, politics or the news. I'm so ill equipped to discuss such traditional topics. Couldn't just one person be working on a treatment? Then we've got something to talk about.

I can't get a f***ing job. I've been told I'm overqualified. I've been told I'm underqualified. I took Calculus, Physics and can count on my fingers and toes. The law of averages would seem to indicate that I'm just right. But not in Hollywood.