For a 10-year old living in suburbia, paradise is where you find it. Our Garden of Eden was the multiplex on 136th Street. We could Dine on Feast of hot "buttered" popcorn and Snow Caps. Our Milk of Paradise? What could be better than a 44-ounce "Suicide?" And best of all, it had the Holy Trinity of movies: Scarface (the Father), Clash of the Titans (the Son), Poltergeist (the Holy Spirit) and Ghost Busters (the other Holy Spirit if you were easily scared). Jesus himself couldn't have constructed a better facility!!
Well, God is dead. She died when the multiplex was torn down and replaced by a much larger, louder and commercially successful facility. So it's regrettable, but also fitting, that Hollywood execs are taking the films we enjoyed at our Garden and remaking them bigger, louder and with more product placements.
It's like Easter, but you had to wait 25 years and you're no longer in the mood for chocolate.
Poltergeist (1982) -- The winner of the Zelda Rubenstein Award for "Worst Remake Idea" (beating out the Poseidon Adventure). This movie scared the snot out of me. And if I had the courage to watch it again, I'm sure it would still scare the snot out of me. Spielberg made a classic. So if the ghosts are telling Hollywood execs to put this movie out again, may I suggest remastering it and re-release it ala E.T. (which made $75 million domestically on its re-releases!) The truth is with special effects, marketing and talent, the budget for a new Poltergeist is gonna balloon to $80 million and gross $130 million. $50 million is less than $75 million.
Clash of the Titans (1981) -- They're gonna turn this classic from campy fun into a special-effects waste of time. Think Harry Potter but with more flying horses. Ladies, does the idea of Zac Efron in a skirt make you giddy or just confused? Even if he's not in it, it's gonna suck. Only one man is man enough to pull off a red toga. That man is Harry Hamlin.
Escobar (1983) -- Ok, so there was never an actual movie about Pablo Escobar. But let's be honest. It's Scarface. And I don't care who you cast, or how much cocaine you use (note to Hollywood execs, it's fake cocaine. The real stuff would balloon the budget and the lawyers would never agree to it.) If you wanna see what a remake is going to look like, just watch the faux trailer from Medellin instead.
Ghost Busters (1984) -- With the exception of the Ray Parker Jr./Huey Lewis song that makes me want to pull my ear drums out with a fork, this movie is flawless. Nothing's better than ghosts, slime, marshmallows and Ernie Hudson (hint: He's the black guy). So Columbia studios is gonna remake it and call it a sequel.
How long until Hollywood execs get really confused about what year it is and remake 1984?