Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Ben Silverman Celebrity Roast

While you were watching something good on cable last night, you missed NBC's broadcast of the Ben Silverman Celebrity Roast. Following are excerpts from that telecast (it drew a 0.8/2 share).

Thank you everyone for joining us for the first -- and likely last -- Ben Silverman Celebrity Roast. As many of you know, Ben Silverman is president of NBC. He took the reigns of the Peacock at tender age of 38. You could say he's a TV wunderkind -- as in he makes Jeff Immelt "wonder what this kid did to my network." (hey-o!)

Ben recently said he was the "Paris Hilton of NBC." I can only assume that means he's a party animal with "Fuck You" money and no discernible talent. It's either that or there's a video where he's blowing Rick Salomon.

Ben decided to bring Knight Rider back. Yep, good old KITT, the talking car. If you listen closely you can hear it saying "GET ME THE HELL OFF THIS TERRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A SHOW!"

I'm just joking. It's a roast. We've got some dais tonight. David Hasselhoff, Katie Couric, Bill Bellamy. If this dais was a TV show it'd be called The Biggest Loser: The Who gives a Shit Edition.

"Father of the Year" David Hasselhoff is here from the "Summer Hit" America's Got Talent. Of course "Summer Hit" is industry speak for "Only viewed by the bedridden and agoraphobics."

Bill Bellamy is here. As host Last Comic Standing Bill helps aspiring comics get their big break. What a shitty idea that is. That's like getting relationship advice from O.J. Simpson. Bill, just one question for you -- How did you not get voted off first?

Tina Fey is here. Tina, great performance as Sarah Palin the other night. I forgot what it was like to laugh during SNL. Of course after the opening routine it was 85 minutes of torture -- or was I watching an Andy Samberg movie?

Former Today show host Katie Couric has joined us. Katie, great to see you. In fact this is the first time anyone has seen you since you moved to CBS. I went to the grocery store the other day and your picture was on the side of a milk carton. If your ratings were any lower they would call you "The CW."

But let's talk of our Man of the Hour -- Ben Silverman. For those who mock Ben, I say you're way out of line. Ben has put some great shows on the air -- Ugly Betty, The Office, The Tudors. Genuine hits. Sure, he's had a few clunkers too -- Coupling, The Weakest Link, Bionic Woman -- shows so bad Jeff Foxworthy wouldn't even do them. But Ben's a smart guy. He's developed the ultimate business plan -- have your production company buy a Guatemalan show, translate it into English and sell it to the network you run for millions. I haven't heard of a business plan that smart since Charles Ponzi.

In closing, I'd like to thank everyone for coming here tonight. You've been a wonderful audience. And Ben, you've been a great sport and we love your work on NBC, or as we call it BBC-West. For all you kids out there, I have one piece of advice, "Don't do drugs." "Why?" you ask? Because you'll suffer a terrible fate, one of unimaginable horror, something you'll regret for the rest of your life. You'll end up running a network. And then you'll run it into the ground.

Thank you, good night and drive home safely.

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