Thursday, March 17, 2011

Terms on job posts that annoy me...

Most Hollywood assistant and internship job posts read basically the same way.  That's because most Hollywood assistant and internship jobs are basically the same: answer phones, make copies, order lunch, plan schedule, etc.  But there are exceptions to every rule.  Those exceptions usually come from some egomaniac or cheap ass who takes advantage of an eager talent pool.  And because I have little else to do, I scoured these postings to find these ridiculous requests.  I've posted some of my least favorite below.  Feel free to add your own in the comments section:

  • Must have thick skin - I'm sure I've said this before but how about being less of an asshole instead of such a request.  It's even worse when it's on an internship posting.  No pay to get yelled at?  No thanks.  But if you must apply, mail a chunk of skin (I recommend chicken or duck skin) with your resume.  It's sure to impress.
Hire me!
  • Send a headshot - The E.E.O.C. prohibits not hiring someone based on their sex, race, national origin, religion, age or disability.  But hotness?  Well, that's fair game.  Consider sending a photo of a former Dynasty star and the woman who is #1387th in the line of succession to the British throne - Catherine Oxenberg.  The exec won't recognize her, but he'll recognize that she's good looking.  So you'll at least get called in for an interview.
  • Benefits after three months - In the past, I've attempted to time my illness and injuries.  For example, when I wanted to get out of my Bar Mitzvah, I prayed for laryngitis to hit on that exact day.  It didn't work then and it doesn't work now.  You can't force illness to wait until Day 91 of your job.  If only companies realized that the sooner they paid for health insurance the sooner they could work you to death.
Toronto isn't in the U.S.
  • Must own a laptop - Listen Scrooge McDuck, you're already way underpaying for the position and now you want the employee to supplement your IT costs?  Nope.  Perhaps you should hire Jeopardy! champ Watson and combine the computer with the employee.  Of course, Watson's surely smart enough to put you out of a job too.

  • 5 days per week unpaid internship - On the plus side, I'm sure the executive will take the $25k that an employee would get and make a down payment on a Mercedes.  So at least someone gets the money.
  • Decent pay - Seriously?  You describe your pay as "decent"?


Anonymous said...

"some nights and weekends":

By some I mean all. Goodbye life. Also you'll be trimming my toenails

"work under pressure"

By pressure I mean I will be blowing a vein out on a regular basis and you will be required to attend me in my home office where I will be wearing my Batman underwear, and only my Batman underwear.

"must love dogs"

My 90 lb. retriever is going to try to have sex with you and also you'll be picking up lots of dog crap.

"other duties as required"

You're responsible for the hookers and blow.

assistant mcbabysitter said...

comments as amazing as the post.

Anonymous said...

My favorite is when they're looking for a "rockstar assistant". Does that mean that I get to drink excessively and be an eccentric asshole too?

Anonymous said...

Must be proficient with Final Cut, Access, Photoshop, After Effects, File Maker Pro, Pro Tools, etc. 8$ an hour to start. But there is plenty of room for growth in this exciting company.

Suchie said...

I'm not seeking a job, but every time I see a job posting like the ones sited, I feel like writing to the email address telling the poster what a piece of shit he is for his outlandish requests.

In fact, why don't we collectively spam the email boxes of said employers with various permutations of that response? There's gotta be a way to leverage the power of this site's readers to do that, en masse. Maybe we can bust their email server in so doing.

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