Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Still not real Ari
Fake Ari is in a bit of a mood today.  I've learned that my fake brother Mayor Emanuel just got a book deal.  That's bullshit.  He might be smarter, but I'm better looking and have more readers.  Someone get me Random House on the phone.  I want my advance immediately.

Anyway, welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

Milwaukee's (Fourth) Best Beer
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I am a college senior majoring in Public Relations and am hoping to get another internship before graduating. I was wondering if you had any tips you would like to share on what to include in my resume.  Thank you for your time.

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Ok dipshit.  Here's a tip.  I expect constant adulation.  So thank me at the beginning, middle and end of your question.  And sprinkle it with apologies and begging for forgiveness for taking up my valuable time.  One moment please.  I have an idiot to yell at...
You fucking call this shiatsu massage?  I could do a better job with a rolling pin and a handful of goddamn thumbtacks.  Get off me.  Now!  Now get back to your desk and set my lunch.
Alright.  I'm only going to say this once.  So get out your crayons, Etch a Sketch or whatever mommy lets you use.  A resume is like a PR pitch, so write to your audience.  PR firms don't care that you worked at the Safeway in Kalamazoo.  They care that you're a news junkie and what you've studied that relates to their business.  They care that you understand social media.  They care that you've worked on projects and have delivered results.  And they care that there aren't any fucking typos in your fucking resume!

How do I know I'm right?  Because I'm going to il Cielo where I'll dine on Costata di Manzo alla Griglia and a glass of 1990 Chateaux Latour Pauillac while you're chowing down on Ramen Noodles and Milwaukee's Best.  Bon Appetit bitches.

As seen on Jennifer Aniston's face
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: Does Fake Ari have the same  nose job (probably by Dr. Kanodia -- whose minimum price is $25,000) as the real Ari Emanuel?  

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First off, I look down my nose...err...let's just say you're not in Fake Ari's league to even ask those questions.  Secondly, my proboscis is as real as the nose on your...well, whatever.  I don't have to answer to you.  You're a nothing and I'm Fake Ari Emanuel.  So suck it!  And I don't even care if you don't believe me.  It's no skin off my...DAMMIT!  Fine.  It's as fake as I am.  Are you happy?  I PAID THROUGH THE NOSE FOR THIS NOSE.  It was worth every penny.  Nosey bitch.


kim said...

how bad was the nose before because it still does not fit his face.

Light-Sweet-Crude said...

Fake Ari, You've outdone yourself with this response! And Kim, that's a good question. Brother Rahm has a nosejob too, but it's a bad one. Ari gets the best that money can buy. But I guess we need to look at pics of their other brother, the doctah, to see what a real Emmanuel nose would look like. And it ain't bad at all. But it also ain't feminine, like the one Real Ari Emmanuel currently sports.

Anonymous said...

lsc you made me do a bing search. it looks to have been a series of nose and the newer the pic the worst the nose gets. he would not be bad looking if it were not for the improvements. rahm is holding up better. anything else and its not going to be pretty.

Post a Comment