Monday, March 7, 2011

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Still not real Ari
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

NBC's new logo
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a junior in college and looking for a summer internship in LA.  My biggest strength is that I'm extremely creative when it comes to idea generation, but I'm not sure what area would be good for me to start in.  What are your thoughts?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: You've pointed out your own problem -- likely one of many -- you're creative.  Hollywood isn't about being creative.  It's about reusing old ideas with a built in audience, thus minimizing financial risk.  Think I'm wrong?  Fake Ari is never wrong.  Here's just some of the retreads that have been picked for this pilot season:
  • Wonder Woman (NBC): Based on the DC comic and TV series with Lynda Carter, a hot chick in a corset fights crime while her tits jiggle.
  • The Munsters (NBC): Based on the comedy from the 1960s and subsequent syndicated version from the 1988-91, it follows the home life of monsters.  It's a slightly more refined version of life with the Huvane family. 
  • Emerald City (NBC): Based on the Wizard of Oz, but this time set in a major metropolis.  Damn, this is a terrible idea.  And I'll stomach anything that involves one of our clients.
  • Dallas (TNT): Based on the long running series about conniving, vindictive and downright evil Texas oil barons, this show follows the next generation.  Conniving?  Vindictive?  Evil?  This show sounds fantastic.  No wonder it's already been picked up to series.
  • Charlie’s Angels (ABC): Based on the long-running series with the hot blond, the hot brunette and Kate Jackson, private eyes fight crime while their tits jiggle.  
  • Romeo & Juliet (ABC): Based on Shakespeare's play about star-crossed lovers, this one might be even worse than Emerald City.
  • True Lies (ABC):  Based on the movie of the same name, ABC hopes this show has a better fate than their previous attempt at this show -- the failed Mr. and Mrs. Smith pilot of 2007.
If I were you, and thank God I'm not, I'd look into internships in Development.  It offers all the creative aspects of writing but without all the work.  Just make sure you study up on which ideas are ripe for a re-boot.

Bon Appetit le Jerkoff
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  How do you view study abroad and abroad work experience on a resume?  For instance, I am currently abroad working for a performing artist management firm and record label in the U.K.?  By the way, I'm from Chicago so congrats to your fake brother for paying...whoops...I mean winning the most honest city in America.

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Well aren't you the fancy one?  I put myself through Macalester digging graves at a pet cemetery while people like you are gallivanting through the Côte d'Azur drinking pastis, eating Salade Niçoise and pretending it's college.  But perhaps you're learning something while gazing at better scenery than St. Paul.  To that I say "Screw You."

Work experience abroad will never equal that in the U.S. simply because foreigners are inferior members of the global economy.  But if it's the best you can do, it's the best you can do.  Put it on your resume and pad it 1 percent more for each time zone removed from Hollywood.  So if you were working in London (PST +8 hours), add 8 percent more bullshit to your resume.  Then you'll be on a level playing field with students interning in Los Angeles.

As for your comments about my brother, don't think those have gone unnoticed.  Rahm still has a few contacts in D.C. who can make your return through U.S. Customs more than a bit uncomfortable.  Does the term "body cavity search" mean anything to you?

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