Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The 2006...err...2009 Summer Movie Preview

I woke up this morning with a nagging feeling that I've been here before. Some call it Deja Vu. Others call it psychosis. Perhaps they're both right. I couldn't put my finger on it until I sat down to write today's posting. And then, once the sugar drink disguised as decaf kicked in, it came to me - it's 2006 all over again.

I know you're thinking, "But the Bush Administration is out, Saddam Hussein is dead and the stock market is in the tank. How can any of this remind you of 2006? Have you gone mad? Has unemployment finally seized what's left of your brain?"

No. It was looking at the list of movies set for release this Summer that did it to me. These all all sequels, prequels or (let's be honest) repeats of movies that came out in 2006.

So without any further ado, here's my summer movie preview (a.k.a. "Been there, done that.")

Wolverine (May 1) -- Perhaps it's because I was too busy reading MAD magazine when I was a kid, but I'd never even heard of X-Men until the first movie came out. Now they can't stop making them. I'd make a Hugh Jackman sideburns joke, but that's lazy writing and so 2006, 2003 and 2000.
Prediction: See you again in 2012. And if my prediction is accurate, that'll be the same time my Papa John pizza/promotional tie-in will be delivered.

Angels & Demons (May 15) -- The Tom Clancy of Catholicism -- Dan Brown -- turns his lesser-known book into a more-hyped movie. Tom Hanks reprises his role as Dr. Robert Langdon (not to be confused with Connecticut dermatologist Dr. Robert Langdon) to solve the origin of the universe or some equivalent nonsense.
Prediction: Not to be outdone, Disney will sign Nicolas Cage for National Treasure 3: European Vacation. Angels & Demons will make $400 million and the Pope will be pissed.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
(May 22) -- The closest most of America's youth will get to a museum this summer is seeing this movie. But that's ok, our 8th graders are closing the science gap on those pesky kids from Slovenia. Until then, let's just keep on cheering, "We're #11!! We're #11!!"
Prediction: Animated dinosaurs equals box office gold.

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (July 1) -- Climate change is all the rage these days. Priuses (or is the plural of Prius just Prius?) have taken over for the SUV. Duke Energy just tried convincing 60 Minutes they want to be a clean energy company. And I think I saw someone in L.A. riding a bike the other day. So what could be more appropriate than reminding us of days before holes in the ozone layer, melting polar ice caps and the green NBC peacock than Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. If the U.S. agreed to the Kyoto Protocol perhaps these movies would finally stop.
Prediction: More animated dinosaurs equals slightly less box office gold.

Bruno (July 10) -- Gay Borat is back in funniest homo-erotic movie since Top Gun.
Prediction: Someone will sue Sacha Baron-Cohen because they were too dim to recognize that perhaps the guy with neon pink lederhosen and a full camera crew might be part of a joke. The question is, will it be Ron Paul. The movie will make $100 million and SBC will invent a new character based on Ted Haggard.

Cher- ( If I Could )Turn Back Time


Anonymous said...

plural of radius = radii

thus logic dictates
plural of prius = prii

(math humor = oxymoron)

MissNic said...

LOL @ prii

Anonymous said...

You sure the bicyclist wasn't just being dragged by a car after a hit-and-run?

And for the free stuff, there's always L.A.'s libraries/homeless shelters.

Unknown said...

Love, love, love this blog. Just one nit to pick: the correct phrase is 'without further ado' as in, 'much ado about nothing'.

Of course, if you were just setting an irony trap for anal pedants consider it an unbridled success!

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