Today is "A Very Special Episode" of the Hollywood Dictionary. In TV terms this means turning a show that's supposed to be funny but isn't into a show that's not supposed to be funny but is. For the Hollywood Dictionary "A.V.S.E." means defining one word, over and over and over and over again. This can only be one word. The word that everyone in Hollywood uses to describe himself/herself. I know this because even I -- Temp X, King of Hollywood, Hero to the Underemployed -- have described myself as such. That word is PRODUCER.
No one knows what "Producer" means and there are countless ways to define it. It's the occupational equivalent of "Fugeddaboutit." It can be defined as any of the following...
Producer -- The son of a Saudi oil sheik and with a net worth of $3.2 billion. This person drives an Audi R8, goes to Sundance, Venice, Toronto, Cannes, Tribeca, SXSW and E3 but never actually attends a screening because he's hung over from P. Diddy's party. When his father threatens to cut him off (a relative term) if he doesn't start making movies, he options the rights to a random graphic novel he saw at Comic-Con. After throwing $10 million at Robert Rodriguez to direct it and Gerard Butler to star, the flick makes $500 million and spawns three sequels and a spin off.
Producer -- This person has already made it in Hollywood as an actor but wants to prove they're more than a modern day Christian de Neuvillette. So in exchange for one more season on a show that'll typecast this person for life, they're given this title but with no real power. It's like an honorary doctorate or Ambassador to the UN. The truth is the EP is paying this person more just to stay away.
Producer -- This person wears a uniform of a blue blazer, an over-priced vintage concert t-shirt (today it's Motley Crue's "Theatre of Pain") and True Religion jeans. He also has well-groomed facial hair, a faux-hawk (FYI -- that's so 2007), drives a BMW 325 and spends too much of his parents' money at the pool at The Roosevelt. He has recently perfected the art of the man hug.
Producer -- This person is just smart and convincing enough to bullshit enough people to look at their project. Never mind that they have no cast, no studio, no distribution and no financing. All it takes is one person to believe this lie. Then the real selling can begin.
Producer -- This person does the boring and tedious work the other producers have neither the time, interest nor intellectual capacity to do. This includes activities like developing the creative direction of a project, working with writers, determining cast and crew, creating a marketing strategy and figuring out budgets.