As anyone in Hollywood will tell you -- it's not what you know, but who you know. How else could you explain anyone financing Employee of the Month, Lucky You or Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium? This is why it's important to attend networking functions and, if you get to met an executive, have your pitch ready.
"But what would I - a lowly assistant - have to say at a networking event?" you ask. "What can I possibly say that would get an exec to put down their free drink and spicy tuna roll and make them want to take a meeting with me?"
Never underestimate the power of a good pitch and never overestimate the thought process of a Hollywood exec. A good pitch equals money. Money equals power. Power means good looking people to have sex with. And if I learned anything in Psychology 101, it all comes down to sex.
With this in mind, I offer you a Mad Lib as the basis for your pitch. Just fill in the blanks and memorize it. Before you know it, you'll have that house in the Hollywood Hills with an Infiniti pool and a Prius. Mazel Tov!
The Blockbuster -- I've got a spec that's a surefire hit. It's a lot like (Michael Bay movie) meets (Will Smith movie other than "Hitch"). Morgan Freeman voices the animated (insect).
The Ben Silverman -- I'm in negotiations to acquire the rights to a top-rated TV show in (South American country). We just need about (number) thousand more dollars and connections to make a distribution deal with (non-cable network). (Second Tier Comic) will play the lead.
The Critically Acclaimed -- I just finished up a pilot. Think "The Wire" but set in (city other than Baltimore). It's gritty but with some (emotion).
The Pollyanna -- This project is about making a statement like (Julian Schnabel film) or "Maria Full of Grace." Something that addresses social injustice and sheds a light on those less fortunate who don't have a (basic human right).
The Judd Apatow -- It's a movie about two (socially acceptable drug) addicts. One night they're watching TV, waiting for (TV show stoners like) to come on, when the news breaks in and reports a major drug bust at their supplier's (term for run-down residence). At the exact same moment, they realize they're out of (socially acceptable drug). The two spend the rest of the movie trying to find a new supplier. Hijinks ensue. It'll star Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen
The Guarantee -- I'm related to (big named celebrity, director or producer). So when do we start shooting?
If none of these idea work, you can bypass this step and simply offer sex in exchange for a meeting.