[Name Redacted] came from humble beginnings, a small town outside of [City Redacted]. After graduating from college, [Name Redacted] moved to Hollywood to pursue a career in entertainment. He/She first landed a job at [Agency Name Redacted], working for an agent with a penchant for throwing phones. Or better put, this agent had a penchant for throwing phones at [Name Redacted]. Rather than play "face catch," [Name Redacted] took a job at a competing agency. It is during that time that our winner stole the title of "The Miracle Worker" from Helen Keller and never gave it back.
[Name Redacted] supported an agent who had him/her perform inane tasks including taking an online driver's ed course (to settle the agent's speeding ticket), serving as airport shuttle, dog sitting and securing free tickets/backstage passes for an A-List concert just because the agent wanted to go. And somehow [Name Redacted] did it with a smile. But what happened next elevated our winner from being a stellar assistant to being a Hollywood legend...
This assistant got his/her boss an on-field pass for the Super Bowl. Let me repeat. THIS ASSISTANT GOT HIS/HER BOSS AN ON-FIELD PASS FOR THE SUPER BOWL. Did the agent have a client playing in the game? No. Was he/she working with the NFL or a corporate sponsor? No. Did it have anything to do with this agent's job? Nope. But that's what makes Hollywood what it is -- asking for the impossible for no reason other than YOU CAN. And if that assistant won't do it, you'll get a new one.
And for the ability to achieve the impossible and irrelevant while working in the most abusive of conditions, I bestow these Diamond-Encrusted Boxing Gloves (for punching your old boss) -- autographed by yours truly -- to the winner of the "Tempies Lifetime Achievement Award"...[Name Redacted].
(hold for applause)
[Name Redacted] could not be here tonight because he/she quit the industry.