Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Bennie Awards

Live from a crappy apartment near the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, it's the second annual Bennie Awards.  Tonight's the night we honor television's worst from 2010 with the famed Golden Trashcan.  So sit back, relax, throw down a sizable cocktail and enjoy this star-studded affair.  And now, because he'll never get a job hosting a real awards show again, Ricky Gervais.

Thank you so very much.  Before I begin, I feel I need to clear the air.  There's been a lot of discussion of my hosting at the Golden Globes.  Some critics said my jokes fell flat.  Others said it was mean spirited humour.  We don't need to review all that was trifled about, but I did want to apologize.  I'm sorry I wasn't clear that ... those weren't jokes.  Let me be direct  - YOU ARE ALL LOATHSOME, HORRIBLE PEOPLE.  I hate you.  Lucky for me The Office is on in seven countries.  Every time an episode airs anywhere in the world, $50k goes right into my pocket.  I'm richer than all of you.  So kiss my pale, white butt.  And with that as a segue, the ultimate ass kisser Larry King and a woman who kisses every other body part Bree Olson.

My guest tonight is a true Hollywood beauty and an industry legend.  She does everything and does it with class.  Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Heatherton.

Larry, you do know you haven't had a talk show since December, right?  And my name is Bree Olson.  I'm one of Charlie Sheen's lady friends.  But you did get one thing right.  I do EVERYTHING.  Maybe later you, me and your suspenders could, you know...

...get some matzoh brei at Canter's?  My head says "No" but my pupik says "Yes."  The nominees for Worst Female in a Reality Program are: Camille Grammer (The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills), Kim Kardashian (Keeping up with the Kardashians), Sarah Palin (Sarah Palin's Alaska), Shanna Moakler (Bridalplasty) and Snooki (Jersey Shore).  And the Golden Trashcan goes to...Wasilla, Alaska hello!  It's Sarah Palin!

Oh geez.  This is such an honor, you betcha.  You know the Former First Dude and I were just saying not enough people recognize my tremendous contribution to the arts.  Heck, I was the one responsible for Picasso's Blue Period.  But do I get any credit?  No.  Anyway, I can't wait to put this trophy up on the mantle right between my 2nd runner-up award for Miss Alaska and my two-year-old son Trig.

Well isn't that the bee's knees.  Seeing Sarah Palin reminds me of this joke I heard.  You know what the difference is between a pit bull and a hockey mom?  Pit bulls can tell you the name of a newspaper.  And now for our next presenters.  She thinks the world is flat and he has a flat top.  Cheers all around for Sherri Shepherd and Simon Cowell.

Hello Simon.  I see your nipples are in full force.

No thanks to you.

Darling, you wouldn't know what to do with me anyway.  I'd need to teach you...

Teach me what?  That the moon is made of green cheese and thunder is simply God farting?  The nominees for Worst Male in a Reality Program are: David Hasselhoff (The Hasselhoffs), Randy Jackson (American Idol), Kevin Pollack (Million Dollar Money Drop), Ryan Seacrest (American Idol) and The Situation (Jersey Shore).

And the Golden Trashcan goes to...in quite the upset, my old chum Ryan Seacrest.

Unfortunately Ryan Seacrest couldn't be here tonight because he's getting his weekly teeth buffing.  Accepting on Ryan's behalf is his former American Idol co-host, Brian Dunkleman.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.  Waitress, get me another Popov Vodka and Fresca.

I ain't no damn waitress.

Fine.  Hey, nipple guy.  Get me a...

Shouldn't you be leaving?  Third shift at the Burger King drive thru is about to start.

Well, wasn't that charming.  To think, I passed up a colonoscopy for this.  I'm quite the fool.  And now, let's meet our next two presenters.  One's a loudmouth blowhard and the other is also a loudmouth blowhard.  Ladies and gentlemen, the modern day Martin and Lewis, Bill O'Reilly and Keith Olbermann.

Keith, I read you signed a deal with Current TV.

You can read?  Looks like I owe Maddow a 10-spot.

What's it like going to the only cable news station with ratings lower than CNN?  Current TV's ratings are so low, you can count their viewers on one hand and have enough fingers left over to wipe away your tears of regret.

Oh zing.  The truth is Bill you're actually quite funny when you want to be. But stick to your A-material.  You know, making up global conspiracies and then blaming Muslims.  And with that, the nominees for Worst Female in a Scripted Program: Aly Michalka (Hellcats), AnnaLynne McCord (90210), Blake Lively (Gossip Girl), Elizabeth Mitchell (V) and Jada Pinkett Smith (HawthoRNe).

And the Golden Trashcan goes to...AnnaLynne McCord.

Wow I'm like so totally excited to be here.  Hold on.  Gotta push my tits up.  Mr. O'Reilly told me every time I do, my quote goes up $100k.  Is that better Mr. O'Reilly?

Oh God yes! You know what darling, you can call me Mr. O for reasons that will soon become obvious.

It could have been worse.  O'Reilly could have offered to DO IT LIVE!  Hang in there folks.  I want to get out of here as much as you do.  The next two presenters are both triple threats -- they can't sing, dance or act. Ladies and gentlemen, the stars of Glee Lea Michele and Cory Monteith.

Uh, hi Lea.

Hi Cory.

You know we're both a lot more interesting when Ryan Murphy writes our lines.

Tru dat.

The nominees for Worst Male in a Scripted Program are: Jim Belushi (The Defenders), David Caruso (CSI: Miami), Charlie Sheen (Two and Half Men),  Blair Underwood (The Event) and Ed Westwick (Gossip Girl).

And the Golden Trashcan goes to...Ed Westwick.

Thank ... you.  Now I will ... reclaim ... what is rightfully ... mine ... Bass Industries.  But first ... I will ... explain ... my ... speaking cadence.

That's enough lad.  We need to finish up before next year's awards.  When you win again next year -- and you probably will -- consider breaking character.

New to the Bennies this year is the Pushing Daisies category. This coveted award recognizes the show that was pulled off the air much too soon.  It pays homage to the short-lived but quite clever program Pushing Daisies that got sacked after a scant 22 episodes.  While these nominees will never get the true recognition they deserve, a Bennie will have to suffice.  Yes.  Hollywood truly sucks. Anyway, there were five finalists for the Pushing Daisies award this year: Better off Ted, Caprica, Huge, Lone Star and Terriers.

And Golden Trashcan goes to...Better off Ted.

The producers of Better off Ted couldn't be here tonight because they had the common sense to leave the entertainment industry entirely.  I will accept this award on their behalf and promptly put it in the rubbish.

Our next presenters have just come off tremendous performances at Super Bowl XLV.  Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome MVP quarterback Aaron Rodgers and Christina Aguilera.

What so proudly we watched at the twilight's last reaming!

So Christina, I see you're still practicing the Star-Spangled Banner?

Wait.  I've got it Aaron.  Check this out.  How loudly I wept while I watch Twilight last evening!

Not getting any closer.  And the nominees for Worst Reality Program are: 16 and Pregnant, Bad Girls Club, Bridalplasty, Jersey Shore and Sarah Palin's Alaska.

And the Golden Trashcan goes to...Sarah Palin's Alaska.

Oh geez.  Wow.  What an honor.  You see the "lamestream media" wants you to believe Sarah Baracuda was just a flash in the pan.  But with two years as governor and now two Bennie Awards, I'm obviously the GOP front-runner.  And Christina, I thought your version of the Star-Spangled Banner was beautiful.  Don't let people refudiate you.  It just inboldens them.

Well that was confusing.  Perhaps it's because I'm a bit juiced up.  But I doubt it.  One thing I'm certain of is it's our last award of the evening.  So allow me to introduce our final presenters -- one's a box office draw responsible for an iconic haircut and the other is Jennifer Aniston.  Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber and Jennifer Aniston.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny oooh.

Do you make any other noises?

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny oooh.

I'll take that as a "no".  And the nominees for Worst Scripted Program are: Chase, Happy Town, Hellcats, Outsourced and Sh*t My Dad Says.

And the Golden Trashcan goes to...Holy sh*t.  It's Hellcats.

Tom Welling and Kevin Murphy couldn't be here tonight because they are feverishly working with network censors to see if they'll approve a nipple slip.

Wow.  Well, that's it folks.  Party's over.  What an incomprehensible waste of time.  You'd think I'd learn, but I end up getting so bladdered at these things, I forget how awful they are.  Let's pretend this never happened.  Time to go count my money again.

Drive home safely.

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