I hate milestone postings. Like birthdays and calls from my mother, they remind me I've accomplished nothing, I'm still single and the only thing I have to look forward to is watching whatever DVD I stole from my most recent gig (Best of Crank Yankers: Uncensored). But it's here, Number 300. So I might as well enjoy it. And you better enjoy it too.
Because California's unemployment rate in January was 10.6%, I used my 200th posting to provide recommendations on what to do with Unintended Time Off (UTO). Sadly, I've had a lot of time to put these ideas into practice.
Following are updates on what I've learned...
Recommendation: Use your computer for something other than checking out Facebook, Defamer, Deadline Hollywood or TMZ.
Update: Check out the much racier Egotastic. They offer "nip slips."
Recommendation: Write the great American novel.
Update: A review of the NY Times Best Seller List indicates it's better to focus on being a pompous ass (Bill O'Reilly's A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity), an unstable ninny (Glenn Beck's 'Common Sense' and An Inconvenient Book) or cupcakes (Martha Stewart's Cupcakes). Oh, and how is it that O'Reilly's or Beck's books qualify as non-fiction?
Recommendation: Watch every one of the 800+ movies made in the 1990s. Then figure out which one to re-write.
Update: Too late. Scream is gonna be back. So is Total Recall. And don't forget Mission: Impossible. Looks like the best idea is to re-write movies that haven't been made yet.
Recommendation: Calculate the exact date and time at which moving back in with your parents will cause you to go batshit crazy.
Update: Turns out unemployment (combined with the extra boost from the federal stimulus package) delivers just enough to cover rent and utilities. For food -- sneak into Costco and hit the sample trays. No need to call U-Haul yet.
Recommendation: Attempt to resolve Hollywood's ultimate Catch-22, "I can't get an acting job without an agent, but I can't get an agent unless I've booked an acting gig."
Update: Solved. Sleep with every director and agent. This way, you double your chances of getting a break.
Recommendation: Do a little investigating and see if you're related to someone famous.
Update: If you're reading this blog, you're not related to anyone famous. Consider getting plastic surgery.
Recommendation: Try to determine what other marketable skills you have.
Update: California unemployment rate is 11.2%. Skills are irrelevant in a recession.
Recommendation: Review Forbes magazine's list of "recession-proof jobs."
Update: Steve Forbes is an idiot.
Recommendation: Figure out what day of the week it is.
Update: Who cares?