Monday, May 18, 2009

Hollywood Dictionary: Part 10 -- Poopy Jokes

The more time I spend in Hollywood, the more I forget nothing out here makes sense. So before I completely lose any sense of perspective, here's more from the Hollywood Dictionary...

#2 -- Hollywood Execs are very status conscious. The more an Exec has of any one thing (cars, houses, mistresses, assistants), the higher he is on the Formosan Termite-infested Totem Pole that is Hollywood. This construct hearkens back to Ancient Egypt where slaves, monuments and funny hats indicated Pharaoh's perceived power. The "#2" is a Hollywood Exec's second assistant. It's also known in assistant circles as the "Shit Spot," because it does all the shit work that #1 assistant doesn't want to do.

[Note: If your boss commissions (and expenses) artwork that offers major similarities to Thutmose's famed Bust of Nefertiti, he might be taking this comparison between Egyptian tyrants and Hollywood tyrants a little too far.]

Series Regular -- This has nothing to do with the effects of a consuming caffeine, cigarettes and Caesar Salad (dressing on the side) is a specific order. Although now that I mention it, I might have just come up with the new Hollywood Miracle diet -- that is if you can have time to audition between runs to the john. A "Series Regular" is a cast member of a particular show who is signed on for an extended period of time, or until they view themselves as too important and their character gets killed. See Katherine Heigl or Jorja Fox.

Master Cleanse -- This "Roto-Rooter diet" is supposed to clean out your innards by drinking a melange of maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water. It is a very popular weight loss program among celebs who have an aversion to bulimia (too messy) or diet & exercise (too sweaty). Beyonce dropped 20 pounds with it before Dreamgirls. Jaret Leno shed 62 pounds before starring in some unknown flick called Chapter 27. [Hollywood Rumor: The local grocery chain Trader Joe's has a special section where they sell all these items together.] And if the Master Cleanse doesn't work, there's always the Dual-Action Cleanse as brought to you by John Waters doppelganger.

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