Hollywood movie execs have stopped trying to do anything creative, so I'm just gonna follow their lead. No witty repartee. No stories from my youth. Not even anything made up. Just a list of announced remakes soon coming to your multiplex.
(For a list of other remakes soon to be clogging your theaters, click here or here or here.)
Karate Kid -- Nepotism doesn't exist in Hollywood. So take comfort in knowing every actor, director or writer who gets a gig that you didn't is actually very talented. It has nothing (pause...Excuse me while I hold down some bile) to do with...who...they're...(gag)...related...to. Anyway, Will Smith's kid is gonna play the lead in this needless remake. I'll say this, if 11-year old Jaden Smith can make the love story part convincing, maybe he deserves this role. But I doubt it.
The Warriors -- Proving that not all remakes come from the early 1980s, this 1979 martial arts cult classic is getting a spit polish courtesy of MTV Films and Tony Scott. I've never seen it, so I can't even offer some scathing analysis. Ok, just one. It'll suck.
Greatest American Hero -- "Look at what's happened to me. I can't believe it myself." I've become another Hollywood remake (I know, it used to be a TV show, but close enough). Sadly William Katt will be unable to join the cast as he's too busy reprising his role as Richard Sullivan in the direct-to-Cinemax classic Distant Cousins. Oh, and before you greenlight this, remember that Mystery Men lost $35 million and The Meteor Man and Blankman made only $8 million.
Footloose -- Metrosexual hero of the moment Zac Efron (sorry Ryan Seacrest, your throne has been usurped) is set to star in this remake of the 1984 Lori Singer vehicle. Will we soon play "6 degrees of Zac Efron?" Will Kenny Loggins resurface on the soundtrack? Nobody puts baby in a corner.