Every hack newspaper columnist in America will write a column about what they're thankful for this Thanksgiving season. Not to be outdone, and because I couldn't think of anything better to write, here's the list of things I'm thankful for...
Ben Silverman...If it wasn't for you and your gross incompetence, I wouldn't have material for a good 20 percent of my postings. Good luck with that Rosie O'Donnell variety show. It can't do any worse in that time slot than Knight Rider.
Spherion...My main pimps. I'm on pace to make $20k this year, and I can thank them for about $12k of it.
YouTube...For having any music video I want, any time I want. On that note, how about some Ratt.
My co-worker...For just saying the dumbest thing ever. God, I wish I could tell you. But then my cover might be blown. Just laugh for about the next half hour. It'll accomplish the same thing.
Warner Bros TV...For always having leftovers from the weekly staff meetings. But please speed these meetings up. All your assistants are hungry.
Canon...For making copiers that don't jam. Did I just say that? Ugh. I've been temping too long.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...For proof that sitcoms aren't dead, they just need strong writing, interesting characters and funny stories. Hmmm. What a novel idea!
Hunter S. Thompson...For teaching me that writing drunk is a skill that requires a lot of practice.
Mac...For developing an operating system that doesn't crash while running a virus scan.
That prick who robbed me...For not shooting me.
Dog X...For keeping my feet warm.
Bill Fox...For offering the best advice ever for an aspiring comedy writer, "Think of all the people you know and make fun of them."
Brick Tamland...No reason. Ok, maybe a couple reasons.
Hollywood Executives...For being oblivious to your own idiocy.
You...If it weren't for you, my loyal fans, I'd be writing this blog any way, making no money and...wait a second....Screw you guys! You've done nothing but sponge off me...Fine, I'll let it go.
Me...For just being my normal, self-absorbed genius.
Happy Thanksgiving! Oh, and if you're a Temp, you won't get paid for these days off.