Sunday, January 16, 2011

Golden Blog

I dislike award shows.  I'm certain some of the reason is jealousy.  I want someone to pay for me to get dressed up, get drunk and have countless people from publications I've never heard of heap praise on me.   But I'm stuck at home, barely employed, watching Hollywood's most popular celebrate their popularity.  So yes, I'm a voyeur to those I envy.  My self loathing knows no boundaries.

I've cracked open the first what will certainly be many St. Pauli Girl Special Darks.  If I should happen to finish the remaining nine from my 12 pack, I have some tequila that (this is not a joke) stolen from my former employer that'll serve as back up.  If I write particularly good joke, I might even reward myself with a shot too.

One last thing.  I'm probably gonna get a little tipsy during this.  So please forgive the typos.  I'll fix them later.  And now, on to what's left of the pregame show...

  • Holy crap.  Carson Daly still has a career?  And geez does he look gaunt.  When is the last time he ate?  Meth is a bitch.  Tara Reid and Carson wouldn't be quite as pretty of a couple these days, eh?
  • Sorry.  Got distracted staring at Anne Hathaway's ass.
  • How does Jimmy Fallon get invited to these events?  You'd think I'd get an invite before he does.  Hollywood is so unfair.  Of course you already knew that.
  • And now an ad for a product I'll never be able to afford based on my Hollywood wages - a Cadillac.  On that subject, I'm starting to get my tax documents for 2010.  Looks like I'm well on my way to making less than $20k for the year.  Anyone wanna hire me out of pity?
  • Oh.  Just got reminded that I still want to date Natalie Morales.
  • Beer 1 done.  Clearly talking about my job status drives me to drink quicker.
2 1/2 heads
  • Starting off with a Charlie Sheen joke.  Fish, barrel?  Meet gun. 
  • Clearly Ricky Gervais has gone from being rich, to having "Fuck You" money.  Because he just said "Fuck You" to a whole bunch of people...including Scientology.  Let's hope he has a good investment adviser
  • Christian Bale just started yelling at a member of the HFPA.  Something about wanting to "kick their fucking ass."
  • So much censoring of the show already.  I've heard bad words before.  I went to a public high school.
  • Woah!  There's been a Piper Perabo sighting.  I thought she did Coyote Ugly and then disappeared into oblivion.  Shows what I know.
  • Am I the only one who things Ron Perlman is perhaps the weirdest looking leading actor?  Seriously.  His head is ginormous.
  • Ok.  I'm getting buzzed because I just used "ginormous."
  • And to the announcer, this isn't the "party of the year."  The party of the year is in my apartment watching this mess.
  • And now, for the category no one cares about, "Best Mini Series."
  • Ugh.  I can't understand a word this guy is saying.  I just put on Closed Captions.  It too has no idea what the winner of Mini Series just said. Mercifully they're playing him off.
  • Oh boy,  Chris Noth took his hair in for an extra shellacking today.  And yes, I know first hand that he dyes his hair.  In related news, I know first hand that he's kind of a turd.
  • Wait. The guy from Glee is gay?  I thought he was just a eunuch.
  • Beer 2 is over.  Just in time for Michelle Pfieffer to explain why Alice In Wonderland was good.  I saw it.  It sucked.  
  • Eva Longoria once said she "would never do another TV show after Desperate Housewives."  I just think that's interesting because that's gonna change.   
  • Hey, the funny looking guy from Fargo won for a show no one really likes or watches.
  • Dammit.  I have an eyelash in my eye.
  • And yes.  Mila Jovovovovitch still looks fantastic.  But it appears she's standing at about a 15 degree angle.  How does she do it?  Perhaps she's drunk?  Or perhaps I am and they're standing upright?  I'll never know.
  • Andrew Garfield should stick to the cue cards?  Oh, wait.  He stuck to the cue cards.  And still has a few problems.  Time to call Hooked on Phonics.
  • Alec Baldwin is just trying to get laid.  J.Lo's best days are about 10 years past.
  • The comic team of Baldwin and Lopez makes your average episode of CSI: Miami look damn hilarious.
  • If Matt Damon gets front table seating, where is Affleck? I'm guessing close to the emergency exit. Or in the kitchen?
  • Oh, go Trent!!!!!!!!!!  You go girl!  I saw you back on the Downward Spiral Tour and it ranks as one of the top five concerts I've ever seen.  And you made Bowie look like an amateur.  Score one for the bad asses.
  • And now, Beer #4.  This might even include a look at Nikki Finke and her press release heavy blog.  But first, a musical interlude from Trent.

Not Al Pacino
  • I need more beer in me to deal with Bieber.  Oh.  I also need to pee.  But no one's interested in that.
  • Wait. Annette Bening is still alive?  And more shocking is her husband hasn't cheated on her such that she chooses to leave him.
  • Robert Downey waxes his eyebrows.
  • My friend says The Kids are Alright sucked.  Well, she actually said she was disappointed that a lesbian decided she was straight or falling in love or something. I don't know.  I didn't see it.  Who cares?
  • Fuck, they're back with more awards.  This means I have to write more.  Kill me.
  • Last year the Golden Globes required seven beers.  I suppose this means I'm half way through?
  • Looks like Nikki Finke fell asleep at the switch.  She's still on the Glee award.  Or as I call it, Beer #2.  She's an idiot.
  • I think I've said this before, but I saw Pacino when I was temping at CAA.  He looked exactly like Steve Van Zandt.  Looks like he's lost a few pounds.  Ok, now he can shut up.  Blah blah blah.
  • Hey.  The one who didn't go "full retard" won.  FYI Claire Danes, HBO (a Time Warner company) didn't take a risk making that movie.  That's not living on the edge.  If TWX bought back AOL, that would be living on the edge.
  • Wait.  Unless I'm drunk.  I just saw an ad for NBC's new reality show about forming the next best fast food restaurant.  Antithetical to NBC's other program, The Biggest Loser. Right?
  • I wonder if people in England like Ricky Gervais?
  • Steve Carell's hair is fake.  Just watch Season 1 of The Office.  Then you'll know what I'm talking about.
  • Aaron Sorkin just won.  I just did a line of coke in his honor.  Just kidding.  I can't afford cocaine.
  • Uh oh.  Ed O'Neill's gonna be pissed about Jane Lynch winning.
  • Time for Beer #?  Wait, what beer is this?  Oh, #5.
I need another outfit.
  • How is it that my bladder knew that it was time to pee just as the foreign language film came on.  It's clairvoyant.
  • I thought The King's Speech needed a bit more humanity. Or something. For example, if Geoffrey Rush's son had been a member of the British Army, then there would have been a bit more tension to Colin Firth announcing that they're going to war.
  • Blair Underwood is a robot.  A good looking robot. But a robot nonetheless.
  • When I was a kid, I used to think that when someone accepted an award on someone's behalf it meant they kept it.  Now I'm certain they do.
  • Whoopie f-ing dooo.  It's Jane Fonda.  Who cares?  Plus she looks like Tina Turner from Mad Max.  That's right.  I just gave fashion advice.
  • Hey.  Jim Parsons won. Not that any one cares, but he was my old next door neighbor.  Jim, tell Otis (his dog) I said "Hi." This is as close as I'll get to fame.  Crap.
  • Wow.  Could Jeremy Irons sound more pompous?  The correct answer is "no."
  • Yeah.  I now officially hate Matt Damon.  Or at least his writers.  "I've been too busy making movies."  Now shut up.  Just give him the award and walk away.  #mindlessvessel
  • Too much Chris Noth for my taste.
  • About time to play De Niro off.  No seriously.  Please play him off now.
Howard Stern and some dude.
  • Hi.  So I just realized that Mila Kunis was nominated for Golden Globe.  Somewhere Danny Masterson is super pissed.  My guess is he's working at Astro Burger.
  • I don't know what Glee just won for.  I can only assume it was Best Comedy/Musical for 2009 because it certainly can't be for this season.
  • And if anyone cares, I just dove headlong into chips and salsa.  I guess that means there's nothing for breakfast tomorrow.
  • Does anyone remember than Paul Giamatti was in Howard Stern's movie Private Parts?  Yes. He played Pig Vomit.
  • So, I just spent three hours watching an ad for Rango with a bunch of self-important actors yammering in between.  Luckily beer exists.
  • If I ever call anything I write a "labor of love" please hit me over the head with a tire iron.  When you're done doing that, hit me over the head with a tire iron again. #sanctimonious
  • Hey, you.  Ara Keshishian.  I don't care if Natalie Portman just thanked you. You're still a complete prick.  Just ask anyone.  Especially those who have worked in and around you.  That's right.  I'm drunk and I don't care.
  • Uh. Oh.  I just re-read my previous posts.  I'll never get a job in this town.  Kinda like where I am right now.
  • Time for BEER #7.  Let's hope it's the last one.
Call me?
  • Sandra Bullock is doing her best to look like Lea Michele...if Lea Michele had an incredible amount of Botox.
  • I don't understand the joke that Colin Firth just made. Is it because I'm drunk, or because his joke sucked?  I'm gonna blame him.
  • Oh.  Pinch me.  Or punch me?  They're having a surprise presenter for Best Picture.  Unless it's Cindy Crawford making out with Elle MacPherson, chances are it's not gonna be that great.  Or perhaps it's the Pope.  That would be amusing.
  • And the surprise presenter is...Michael Douglas.  Consider me underwhelmed. 
  • Well, The Social Network won.  About as surprising as the sun rising in the East tomorrow.  What to do with the other half of my beer?  Chug-a-lug.


      Anonymous said...

      Well, you entertained me. Even if you did remove "hey you's" name. xoxo MysteryActress

      Stephanie K said...

      Amazing recap! Piper Perabo... who knew, eh? Fantastic she has emerged from coyote obliivion.

      Re: Ron Perlman: the bigger the head, the bigger the star. Perhaps not entirely true in this case.

      Allison said...

      This made my morning. Thanks.

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