Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Fake Ari only looks like Real Ari
Welcome to Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.

If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at  And for a full collection of his advice, click on the toolbar above or here.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I moved to LA two months ago and have had a horrible time finding work.  There are jobs posted everywhere but I never get called.  So I thought I would try temping, but WTF?  How do I even get a pimp?  I have a wealth of business experience including industry experience and two overpriced college degrees and I can't even get a freaking interview with a temp pimp.  Can you help? I'm not getting any younger.

First Chicago.  Next, the World!
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  Why do I even bother with you people?  I really have better things to do.   I'm trying to run an agency here.  My brother is running for Mayor of Chicago.  And I have another sibling, but I can't remember what he does because he's not famous.

Let's get one thing straight.  This stupid site you're reading has a list of every popular Pimp in town.  Anyone of those asshats will let you come in an take a typing test.  It's no skin off their balls.  So go in and don't fuck it up.

Got a Low Self Opinion?  Lie!
As for your resume, pimps don't give a rat's turd about your overpriced degrees or your experience before you moved to Hollywood.  You know why?  Because it doesn't matter.  So there's only one thing left to do -- LIE.  Yes.  Lie about everything you've accomplished.  Make yourself look stupider and less skilled.  Pimps don't like to give gigs to someone who realizes they're too smart to dig paper out of a photocopier.  Dumb yourself down -- at least on paper.  And for the love of God, keep your resume to one page.  Pimps don't know what to do with a two-page CV, so they typically throw them out.

Now let's discuss your point about not getting any younger.  Clearly you haven't figured out Hollywood.  People get younger in this town all the time.  Sandra Bullock interrupted the space/time continuum.  Jennifer Lopez can't work a calendar.  And Eminem obviously needs Flava Flav's oversize clock necklace.  Oh.  I also have two words for you "BO-motherfuckin'-TOX."

Now get out of my face.  You're bothering me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I had to clap on this one. pimps are not here to help you get a job they are here to provide people to help a business and on your end they are here to help you get paid. you may gain something but that is not the goal just a perk. so why waste time with someone who can leave. if its specialize temping then maybe show off but other then that no.

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