Monday, April 5, 2010

Hollywood Assistant Beer Pong Tournament Team Haiku competition: The Results

After weeks of a literary thrill ride not seen since Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, the Temp Diaries is pleased to announce the winners of the Hollywood Assistant Beer Pong Tournament Team Haiku competition.

It was an exciting time for our favorite 17-syllable Japanese poem.  Each line, nay, each word, nay, each beat was more beautiful than the one preceding it.  The four winners are official members of the Hollywood Temp Diaries Beer Pong Team.  Or as I will now dub them, "The Fighting Nobodies."  The rest of the entries get "attaboys" but little else.  

Congrats and thank you to all who participated.  Hope to see you there...


Reverse the axis
Reanimate the deceased
Live for box office

Why it won: Because this entrant identified the only frontier Hollywood has yet to needlessly explore -- that is reanimating the dead to star in a movie.  Sure they did it for a couple scenes in The Crow, but that's because most of the movie was already in the can.  What about putting a CGI Bella Lugosi in the next Twilight movie?  I'd pay to see that.

Learn development!
Is what I was told I'd do...
I bought his ass cream.

Why it won:  How could I deny an opportunity to someone who can use the term "ass cream" in a haiku?  And if this person really did have to purchase the aforementioned cream, well, all the more reason to let this person drink on my dime.

Condescending bitch
Thank god I quit this shit
Now find boss I can respect

Why it won: Pure venom combined with incorrect syllable count -- 5-6-7.

Film School, Hollywood,
Temp, Agency, Assistant,
Complacency, Death.

Why it won: According to sender, he wrote it while at work at his temp assignment.  That fact, combined with the impressive amount of self-pity, deserves a spot on the roster.


Abandon logic.
Regular jobs are for schmucks.
Come to Hollywood.

Why it lost:  Honestly, I'm not sure.  I'm thinking like a Hollywood executive now.  Rejecting perfectly good ideas based on nothing.

Panic in PR
Manohla hates the movie
Hiss, Manohla. hiss.

Why it lost: The author is gonna be out of town.  Otherwise, it would have won based on its frighteningly accurate portrayal of life in PR.  That is to say, the publicists freak out because they can't dupe the NY Times' film critic Manohla Dargis into liking the cinematic turd that is Clash of the Titans.
Season of pilots
Tender temps young and hopeful
Hurry up and wait

Macking on Hulu
Interrupted by my boss
I'm doing research

Undaunted dreamer
Becomes undaunted runner
And Hollywood laughs

Why these lost:  The author of these three admitted that he'd just gotten a full time job.  Those who succeed in Hollywood learn to lie better.  Consider this a lesson.

I'm an optimist
Trying to work in LA
My soul is half full

Why it lost:  No real reason.  Maybe if this person had somehow worked in the term "ass cream" the results would be different.
Fights are legendary
The truth over flows by beer cup
Tradition remains

Why it lost: Too poemy.  Incorrect syllable count -- 6-8-5. 
Boulevard in the rain
What boulevard
What matter

Why it lost: Not poemy enough.  Incorrect syllable count -- 6-4-3-2.

The Vapors - Turning Japanese


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