I got a 'C' in macro-economics in college. So it's clear I'm a little daft. But you'd think in today's tough financial times HR would respond to the Temp request with, "Geez [Executive Name Redacted], I know your normal assistant isn't feeling well, but since you're...well...7,000 miles away and 10 time zones ahead, could you save us a couple bucks and live without one for the next few hours?"
But no. What a Hollywood Executive wants, a Hollywood Executive gets. And this executive wanted me, Temp X, to sit there and...well...this is what I did:
- Read Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. Saw that they're making Heathers into a TV show and felt a trickle of bile work its way into my throat.
- Read Us Weekly and some other celebrity gossip magazine. Saw that Octo-mom and Kate (of Jon and Kate plus 8) are having a spat. Wondered where my life went wrong such that I have the time or inclination to read about this.
- Saw that Nikki Finke had a mild screw-up but decided to leave the old bird alone. (You owe me!)
- Considered applying for work in my former career. Then I read the job description and began to lose consciousness.
- Had a cup of decaf just for the sugar rush.
- Translated my own handwritten scribble into a script I'm working on.
- Found a pastry that wasn't too old to eat.
- Ate the pastry.
- Looked for interesting office supplies to steal. It was all crap. Stole some anyway.
- Cleaned out my email inbox. Started planning my trip to Nigeria to recoup my €30 million.
- Watched part of the Dodgers game. Began to lose consciousness.
- Ate a couple of mini-candy bars just for the sugar rush.
- Went to the john a couple times. That wasted at least 15 minutes.
- Answered the phone each of the seven times it rang. Each call was for the assistant.
- Made a couple photocopies for an insurance claim I need to file.
- Listened to six hours of hair metal on iTunes Big R radio.